She can do it!

Yesterday I wrote about how I need to get back on track and really give these baby rearin' strategies that I've been reading about a chance to work. So since I found yesterday that every single little thing I do to get Alia to sleep is a big fat No-No, I thought I'd try things the right way.

First of all, there's a reason Alia has been sleeping with me...she would not, could not sleep alone in her crib. In fact, in the early days, if you wanted to make Alia cry, you put her in the crib. But yesterday I was all about challenging myself...I don't want to be one of "those Moms" that unbeknownst to them, helps to create situations with their kids by automatically assuming that they know things that may not be the case anymore...example..."no, Suzy won't eat carrots, don't even try it"...you get what I'm saying...I want to keep an open mind and try my best not to fall into that. On the other hand, since Alia turned purple with tears and tantrums the last time I tried to put her in the crib, I suppose I did make a note to self that Alia won't be sleeping in the crib anytime soon. But Alia's preferences are moving targets these days.

Anyway, I am proud to say that yesterday, Alia took a 45 minute nap in her crib. I put her down, rubbed her belly, stroked her hair, said nice things to her, and as she began to drift off, I stepped away. When I came back to check on her 15 minutes later, here's what I found...can you believe it? The crib actually does function as a place to sleep!

Fueled by this success, I challenged both of us to try sleeping apart last night, and to my mixed emotions, I can report that Alia did in fact sleep in her crib last night. And after feeding every 3 hours? She went right back to her crib!

Duh!!!!

Alright, alright, maybe my last blog was a bit too over the top. Books aren't evil...the people who write them are. No, no, no...I don't mean that either. I'm just a frustrated Mom getting a truckload of differing opinions from different authors...from pediatrician authors to nurse authors to Mom authors to child behaviorist authors...all of them say different things and it's hard to know what to believe.

Take Babywise, for example. I've been following this strategy since Alia was born. I try to maintain a 3 hour cycle throughout the day with Eat-Play-Sleep being the order of things. I read this book while I was pregnant, and know that my sister in law Lena followed this strategy with her first born. So I gave it a shot...in my head I thought I was doing it right. But this darn baby of mine just wasn't cooperating. She'd Eat, then we'd Play, and then she'd Sleep...the goal being that her nap would take her through to the beginning of the next cycle...Eat. Only she won't sleep that long...and when she wakes up unexpectedly after 25 minutes, you guessed it! She knows the cycle and she's ready to eat! Forget that she just ate an hour and a half ago. So then Mommy (me) gets to bring her in off the ledge and soothe her and calm her and try my best to convince her that it isn't time to eat and to just get the baby back to sleep. Then the bargaining begins. Then I start pulling out the stops...rocking her...lying down with her...putting her in the vibrating pod chair...that's right...using all the "crutches" that Babywise warns against. See, the author of this book thinks babies sleep magically by themselves. Ooops, sorry, my bitterness leaked out. Or maybe it was my exhaustion that leaked out. Regardless...

I decided this morning to re-read this book in hopes of finding what I'm doing wrong. After all, if the author touts that you don't need sleep aids or "crutches", he must offer a solution...right? Not just "cry it out", right? Because that's out of vogue, right? Right????? Well, I made it to page 110 this morning before Little Miss interrupted by waking up 25 minutes into her nap, and the alternate cycle detailed above began again...no, not the Eat Play Sleep cycle...the cycle that includes bargaining and talking out loud to Baby Jesus...begging him for some Baby insight to make it stop...to make it work...to make it easier like the book says! So now that she's back to sleep (yes, in her new sing that rocks from side to side, not front to back...genius by the way) I've decided to reflect on what I've done wrong.

For starters, it says that your day should begin at the same time every day...ie., if you set your wakey wakey time at 6:15, and Alia wants to sleep til 8, and Mommy wants to sleep til 8, that's not okay...the day should begin at 6:15 regardless if the girls are tired from being up every 2.5 hours all night long. Okay, guilty. If I can get Missy back to sleep in the morning, I'm all about that. Bad Mommy.

I also found that it's not just Eat, Play, Sleep uniformly all day long...the activity and activity level should change throughout the day. The early morning feeding should be followed by awake time just lying in her crib (up until now, her expensive toy box that has yet to house her for a single nap), looking at the mobile or other low-key, ease-into-it type things. Then the next feeding should step up the activity just a bit...she can be nearby on a blanket while I read or sew (Babywise's example, not mine since sewing has never occurred to me). Then from there, maybe an outing follows the next feeding, etc., etc. See, I haven't been doing that at all...I've been killing myself to give her lots of stimulation throughout the day (with no time for myself, to say, read a book, or stretch my body). My Play-time with Alia begins with the activity jungle mat, with me singing along with the songs it plays and shaking the mobile to engage her...she loves it. From there we go to Tummy Time...then we go to the other mobile, where I shake it and sing her songs...then we go outside for a walk...then we do a fashion show where I put on the cutest outfit I can find and take lots of pictures of her. By then, an hour has passed and she's yawning and exhausted...no wonder I can't keep her up for a whole two hours...I've just packed a whole day's activity into one freaking hour! Duh! Spread it out, for God's sake! A little down time is a good thing!

Also beginning now, I'm challenging myself to think more about US (baby and me) and less about BABY (singular). I know this, and I knew this before reading this...I knew this before having the baby, even. It just reminded me that an out of balance Mommy is not the best Mommy. So I need to read on to see what else they suggest and figure out how I can apply some of these things to help me get back on track...

Great Expectations

Many of the child rearing and baby strategy books I've read tout that our little 9 week old should be sleeping through the night for the most part. However, our little one has done a bit of a U-turn this week, and is back to sleeping maybe two and a half hours at a time, meaning that I'm sleeping at most two hours at a time when you consider bottle prep and the time it takes to get back to sleep. Sure, she has slept as much as 5 hours at a stretch once, and four and a half hours several times, but I want the consistent results that these books speak of!

Reading these opinions is a little disheartening for me. Before reading such expectations, (which in my mind, might as well be asking Alia to wash the car and earn a 7 digit income while she's at it) I thought Alia was doing really well...sure we often take two steps forward and one step back, but what do you expect from a 9 week old, right? I mean, she does really well with knowing the difference between night and day, and goes right back to sleep after she eats every time at night.

Would I like her to sleep through the night? Of course...for God's sake, sign us up, pronto! But is it realistic that every baby will have that capability precisely at the same time? I don't know. On one hand, I feel that I know my baby better than anyone else, and have tried this, that, and everything else that the authors suggest to accomplish longer sleep. On the other hand, I ask myself, am I too close? Do I not see the forest through the trees? Would some one else be able to get different (and better) results by trying something that I haven't thought of, or trying something again in a different way?

For example. Most people agree that reducing nap time during the day is the key to longer sleep at night. In my weeks caring for Alia, I've learned that one yawn is a warning sign, and the second yawn means you are in a very tight window of opportunity to put her down for her nap. If you don't? Little Miss will quickly go from tired to tantrum and you'll spend 3 hours trying to calm her down. So I ask, how do you extend her awake hours when doing so will be the kiss of death in your so-far-pleasant-day? Anyone?

And by the way, since we follow a schedule of eat-play-sleep, waking her up early, before it's time to eat is a sure way to lead to a complete and utter melt down, only to be cured with giving in and feeding her. Why not do that, you may ask? Well, Mom's little best eater is already eating what a six month old should be eating...at 9 weeks! There's no room for feeding her more often...in fact, we're already feeding her more than recommended by the AAP. So I'm stuck.

Anyway, that just goes to show you shouldn't read books. Before reading what Alia should be capable of, I was happy. Tired, but happy. Now that I have this new expectation in the back of my head, I feel useless as a Mom and incapable of doing my job right. Thanks, books!

Here we go...again!

Yesterday I prepared Alia to meet her maker. NO, silly, not God...Dr. H! Our fertility doctor!!! Don't you know by now I'm an atheist?

So, we finally got it together to meet with Dr. H and talk about IVF, Round Deux. We figured it was time to discuss Alia's little frozen siblings, and how to make them into playmates for her.

First of all, can I just say how cute Alia looked? She was a real head turner yesterday, and Dr. H said it was possible that Alia is the cutest she's ever had a hand in creating. I bet she says that to all her patients, but I don't care! I'm easy to please!

So Dr. H wasn't altogether clear about why we were meeting, and was wide eyed and happy when I told her I was ready to think about our next baby. Already.

So here's what we learned. Ideally, we should wait til month 5 or 6 post-birth of Alia to begin hormones. Then, month 6 or 7, we'll put in some frozen embryos.

I have four excellent embryos just waiting to turn into babies. We saved the highest quality embryos in hopes of them having a better chance of taking after being frozen. Still, I was a little disheartened to hear that the chances of a baby from these frozen embryos is only 35%...which is better odds than I'd have trying on my own or with IUI. But I was hoping for better odds. I recall that when I went through IVF the first time, the chances were upward of 70% to get pregnant. So I do feel a little skeptical to get my hopes up, but at the same time, I want to think positive and invite only positive thoughts into our little universe.

So we're looking at around December for our first round of drugs...January at the earliest for implantation.

That said, I will be 100% happy and fulfilled if Alia is my only baby. I am so in love with this little girl...she's enough. So whatever happens, I'm a very VERY lucky girl.

Binky in, Binky out

So, I think I've mentioned before that Alia is a sucker...she came out sucking her little lips and anything else that crossed her path. After one night in the hospital nursery, she was returned to me with a big fat binky in her mouth. She was happy. She was content. And all my resignation to keep her from using a binky went right out the window.



So here's the problem with a binky and little tiny babies...they don't stay in. Alia can be suck suck sucking away happily, and then POP, it flies out of her mouth and onto the fuzziest area of the floor.

Okay, so there's that. Also, there's the moment to moment change in Alia's opinion of the binky. One moment, she can't live without it, and her little hands attempt to hold it in her mouth as she suck suck sucks...only to have those same darn hands knock the binky out...leading to a near meltdown....thus the title of today's blog, "binky in, binky out"...when Alia is in love with the binky, you have to be nearby to rescue her from those wiley hands. And if you don't get the binky back in her mouth pronto? Let's just say it's not pretty.

Then, there's the new phenomena of her loathing the binky. Sometimes recently when she's getting huffy and puffy, I'll put the binky in her mouth, and she looks back at me like, "ewwww, what the hell are you doing? why are you putting that disgusting thing in my mouth?" Here...a picture's worth a thousand words...

Physical fitness, or in my case, physical fatness...

It's been 9 weeks since I had our little baby...

It's been 3 weeks since I got the green light to start exercising.

It's been a year since I exercised last.

Bluuuuugh!

Although almost 30 pounds have melted away over the last two months, my body is not in the shape it used to be, that's for sure. Before I had Alia, I did really well working out at home with exercise videos...I know, it sounds gay, doesn't it? But for me, they worked. I was able to really follow the regimen defined  by the program I followed. Unfortunately, the regimen is pretty much impossible to follow without a daily babysitter. 

So for now, I've resolved that I'm just not going to look my best. I don't belong to a gym, and Ajay's gym (which is where I'd join if I did join) won't allow babies under 6 months old in their child care area. But I'm feeling so antsy about getting the rest of the way back to my former self. I want to exercise...I always feel better when I do...not to mention the reward of looking great to go along with feeling great. But honestly, I just don't know how to do it without someone to help care for Alia...

I thought I'd be able to squeeze in some type of workout during Alia's daytime naps...unfortunately, those naps? Usually aren't what one would think of when one thinks of naps. Alia goes down for a nap, and then usually wakes up each and every time I step away from her...requiring another 10 or so minutes to put her back to sleep. And if you just walk away? You don't want to be on the receiving end of what Alia has to say about that! So my little one is a bit of a high maintenance napper...it's not a situation where Mommy naps (or works out) when baby naps around here!

So that's my dilemma. I feel kind of defeated in the physical fitness arena for now. And also knowing that we're considering another round of IVF in the near future makes me even less hopeful for getting in shape since working out is out of the question for much of the month during the process. 

So like I said....Bluuuugh!

Then and Now

Today Ajay is home with me during the day, and will work this afternoon and overnight. This means that we have a two parent household all day long. What a dream! Having Ajay here helping me with Alia really pointed out just how much things have changed around here since we brought the little one home.

For example...my definition of luxury has changed....

Before Alia, luxury was getting a sea salt scrub at a spa.
Now, luxury is taking a full length shower, defined as being able to wash and condition my hair and shave my legs...both of them.

Before Alia, luxury was getting my hair styled.
Now, luxury is being able to blow dry my hair before it dries by itself, which, by the way, is not a stylish option.

Before Alia, I liked to get my nails done maybe twice a month. That was luxurious pampering!
Now, luxury is being able to find a file or nail clippers to take care of some jagged edge nail...the goal being not beauty, but safety...we wouldn't want to scratch the baby with my unpolished, unfiled nail!

Alia is 2 Months Old

Today is Alia's 2 month birthday. We celebrated by taking her to a local sushi restaurant for the first time...not the sushi restaurant for the first time...a restaurant for the first time. You see, me being a nervous first time Mom with somewhat of a temperamental baby makes me nervous to take her places that involve any type of time commitment. Don't get me wrong...the girl has a very active social life...she's taken us to two birthday parties in the past week alone!

What a month it's been. My sweet little girl has really blossomed this month...the difference between the baby we have now and the baby we brought home from the hospital is truly amazing. This month has been all about interaction...she makes direct eye contact with everyone and everything...from Mommy and Daddy to her stuffed toys hanging from the mobile above her play pen. She's also communicating more and doing her best to tell us her feelings about things. What used to be frantic distressed huffy puffy breathing has turned into more of a communicative interaction...or maybe we're just speaking her language more? Whatever the case, we're all understanding one another much better this month.

Alia is also so much stronger this month...she's not the little bug of last month...our girl is lifting her head and is much more stable...we no longer handle her like a china doll...more like a carton of eggs now...she can be easily moved around but you still have to be very careful!



Alia is a very discerning girl. She is not what they call an "angel baby" that smiles all the time. You gotta work for this girl's approval. She lets us know what pleases her and what displeases her. For example, she likes Coldplay, but only the mainstream radio type of songs like Yellow and Clocks and Viva La Vida, but definitely does not like the songs at the end of the CDs of the band rocking out. She loves Colin Hay, particularly his later stuff from his solo Man at Work CD.

When it comes to eating and sleeping, Alia is doing pretty well, I must say. Over the last month, feeding time has gone from full-blown panic and rooting on her part...near hysterics before and after feeding looking for food and more food. Now Alia has learned a little patience and is calmer both before and after eating. Although the volume that she would like to eat is somewhat alarming at times (she is already hoping to eat what a 6-month-old is supposed to eat), our pediatrician says her growth is perfect perfect perfect. She is in the 75th percentile of height, and the 25 percentile of weight, so even though I don't want to create a monster that comforts herself with food throughout her life, I don't' think we have much to worry about given her statistics.

Sleep is also pretty good. I read somewhere that some babies at 10 weeks old will sleep for 5-6 hours at a stretch...Alia has accomplished this once. I would like her to accomplish this more often. However, our little one knows the difference between night and day right now...for the moment...so I can't complain. During the day, we follow a 3-4 hour cycle of eat-play-sleep and then at night we eliminate the play time...she does really well. She's been going right back to sleep after feeding for quite awhile now. That said, she does need to sleep right next to me...no co-sleeper, not in a bassinet next to my bed...we're talking in my bed, snuggled right up to me...this girl thinks her crib is an expensive toy box. But you know what? That's totally consistent with her personality since we first met her...she's always been cuddly, and now more than ever loves to be held and will happily be carried around all day long if my biceps hold up.

This month, Alia also witnessed and helped me through a great deal of sadness. She helped me so much to get past the death and loss of my cat Pooh. I had no choice but to focus my energy on the new light that shines from her eyes. I continue to miss my kitty...only an hour ago I thought about cleaning out the non-existent litter box...but Alia's presence has helped me tremendously.

Alia likes to dress up...I mean, well, she's okay with all the dress up I like to play with her. It is typical for me to put up to 5 or 6 outfits on her per day, just to take pictures of all of her cuteness.

Rest in Peace, Sweet Pooh

Well, it's been a really bad day...unfortunately my worst fears are reality, and the vet had bad news for us.

After two trips to the vet over the past 3 days, multiple labs, Xrays, and other diagnostic tests, Pooh was diagnosed with advanced kidney disease. The only cure for my poor 13 year old baby would have been a kidney transplant, and the only other treatments would have been inhumane...injections every day, weekly trips for dialysis, transfers between this vet and a vet in a nearby city...all way to much to put a little Frady Cat like Pooh through...she doesn't even tolerate a trip in the car without vomiting, so the idea of all of those treatments sounded like hell for her.
So with a very heavy heart, we made the decision to let her go. Today she was put to sleep. I am so sad...she's been such a good little friend and companion for so long. It's amazing just how much space her little self took up in my heart and home.

I just got off the phone with the Vet...

My cat, Pooh, has been acting out since I brought Alia home from the hospital. Or at least I thought she was acting out...

She's been howling all day and all night long. She won't eat. She's obsessed with water....crying at every faucet for me to turn it on so she can drink from it rather than her bowl....but that's nothing new for her---she's always preferred to drink from the tap. Perhaps this is why I didn't even consider that it could be symptoms of an illness...a more serious illness.

Since Alia came home, my hands have been full...literally and metaphorically. If I'm not holding the baby, I'm fixing a bottle, doing laundry, folding laundry...you get the idea...I'm a housewife with a new baby...I'm busy. So for that reason, I haven't really been holding Pooh as much lately. And day before yesterday, when I picked her up, I noticed she'd dropped a serious amount of weight...my cat, who used to weigh around 12 pounds may now only weigh around 6. And since Ajay is the one who feeds her in the morning, I didn't think to ask if he's noticed a decline in the amount of food she's eating. Oh, and Pooh has really long hair, so it wasn't really noticeable.

So like I said...I talked to the lady at the vet. She told me cats don't howl or stop eating because of a new baby...those are symptoms of illness. And animals don't really howl and meow like that for fun or attention...it's a sign of weakness and would attract prey or something like that in the wild...

I feel terrible. I feel like all this time, Pooh has been trying to tell me something and I've been chalking it up to her losing her thrown and being ousted by the baby. And now I feel like a really lousy pet owner, entirely preoccupied with my baby, so much so that I didn't even think about the possibility of her being sick until just now.

So today I'll take her to the vet when Ajay gets home from work. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is not something terrible, but I feel like there's a lot of writing on the wall that I just haven't seen until now.

My reward...

I'm tired. And it's Monday. After having Ajay home for the weekend, I got spoiled with having a hand with the little one. So after today, which wasn't even a particularly trying day with Alia, I feel beat!

But the thing is, I wouldn't trade it. Not the fatigue, not the dark circles, not any of the symptoms that go with being worn out. All I have to do is look at my healthy, lovely little girl and know that I'm very rewarded for this little thing called fatigue.

Tony visits

This past weekend, we had a really nice and unexpected get together at our house. Ajay's brother, sister in law, and two neices were going to be in the area for a kid's birthday party, and Ajay's uncle was in the area, visiting from Kuwait. With that, we called in Ajay's cousin and his wife, and made a really nice party out of it!

Twilight, the series

Twilight...by Stephenie Meyer....have you read this???

A couple of weeks back, a box from Amazon arrived on my doorstep...it contained three of the four books in the Twilight saga. See, my sister Chris, being one of the most enthusiastic people on earth, sent them to me...she didn't believe me when I told her I would "get to them" as soon as I got a chance. Chris, knowing how little free time I have these days didn't trust that I'd make it happen any time soon...and in our family's tradition of leaning on one another until finally you have to give in to whomever is pressuring you and just do what they want you to do, my sister just sent the books because I didn't have enough time to give her to adequately harass me.

Well, let's just say the first book in the series? I  consumed, or devoured, it I should say, within about 5 days. Yes, every time Alia fell asleep on my lap and rendered me utterly trapped, I opened the book. And in no time, I was addicted. Sure it's probably more suited for teenage girls...sure, it's fantasy book about a human/vampire romance....sure, it's somewhat mindless...but it's so good!!!

Now let's talk about vampires. I didn't realize it, but I might be a fan of them. I was a devout groupie of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I have already become addicted to True Blood, HBO's new series about vampires living among us..and they've only shown one episode so far, and I'm hooked. And I'm reading the Twilight series in record time when I feel that I have no free time in my life...

So get on out there and buy that book. And if you hate it and find it cut out for a teenager and find it's mindlessness not your thing, don't say I didn't warn you. However, if you're in the market for something addictive like heroin without the health risks, this might just be your thing!

My Chalupa

When Alia goes to sleep, she is nearly always swaddled. We have dubbed her the Baby Burrito...as in, "Oh, are you tired, Alia? Is it time to make a Baby Burrito?".

I don't think I've explained in full detail Alia's sleeping habits, aside from mentioning that she sleeps better next to me at night so we are co-sleeping for now. Well, that's kind of an understatement. Alia can't sleep without being held, or at least touched, by a human. That's right. During her daytime naps, I'm almost always holding her for the entire duration. I know...you're now totally amazed that I ever manage a shower, aren't you. Okay, now that I've admitted this, I'll take it a step further....

Sometime last week, while holding Alia during a marathon daytime nap, my arms were aching from being improperly supported. So I grabbed a nearby pillow, and put Alia on it. She loved it. She slept and slept and slept in her new setup...wrapped tightly in a blanket, with a pillow wrapped around that...

When Ajay got home that night, I showed him my new contraption that at least freed up my arms during her naps. Smiling he said "wow, Baby Burrito is wrapped in a Taco...I guess that makes her a Chalupa now!"

So now, at nap time, I say "Is Alia tired? Is it time for a Chalupa?"

Am I crazy?

Alia is 7 weeks old.

This week, when I took her to the pediatrician (all by myself...again with the self-praise), she had gained 3 pounds since birth. She's grown 2 inches. She is tracking with her eyes, smiling at Mommy and Daddy, identifying eyes on her favorite toys and looking straight at them. She is cooing and making sweet little sounds, and she's outgrown all of her Newborn sized clothes. Sounds like she's almost an adult, right? Well, maybe not, but all of these early landmarks make me realize just how fast it all happens..so I'm thinking....ummm, maybe we should have another baby?

I know. It's crazy...she's not even 2 months old yet. Let's think rationally, for God's sake! Two babies under two? Two sets of diapers to change? 

So, with that, I made my appointment for September 19th with the fertility doctor! Time to put in more embryos!!!!

Dancing with Myself...

I just published a new short movie I created that I'd like to share. Click here or cut and paste the address below to check it out.

Dancing with myself
http://gallery.me.com/ajlalvani/100140

Since Ajay went back to work, I've been sleeping in Alia's room. There's a crib in her room, as well as a futon that folds out to a really comfy double bed. My thinking was that if we put Alia in the crib and put the baby monitor receiver in our room, sure I'd be able to hear her through the night, but so would Ajay, and what's the point of both of us being awake, especially since he has to take his A-Game to work every day. No one wants a tired anesthesiologist caring for them, right?

So I moved into her room. The first night staying in her room (about 3 weeks ago) I made the futon into a bed, took my book bottle of water, breast pump, fan, and all the other requirements for a good night's sleep. I rocked Alia to a near sleep, put her in the crib, and climbed into my new bed for a little reading before turning out the lights. Only, Alia didn't like that plan. As soon as I got into bed, I heard her fidgeting around, making her little fussy sounds. I waited. Maybe she'd self-soothe. Then the crying began. I jumped up, picked her up, and took her back to the rocking chair, where I repeated the process. And the entire process repeated itself, including ending up with Alia in tears from being put in her crib alone.

Finally, after 14 times of trying to put her down, I climbed into bed with her on my chest...after all, that's how she prefers to nap during the day (which is why my house is no longer kept to the same standard as the pre-Alia house). And to my delight, Alia immediately drifted off to sleep. As my own eyes tried again and again to close, and my brain telling me if I put her down in the crib again it'll be another 20 minute process of calming her just to get her to the current state, I decided to place her next to me and just take a little nap....maybe once she fell into a deep sleep I could put her in the crib without event.

Only, umm, the nap? It ended 4 hours later when she woke me up ready for her bottle. And the nap after that? Ended sometime 3 or 4 hours later when it was time for her next bottle. And now it's 3 weeks later, and the crib? Fresh off the show-room floor...never been used. But it is a great place to put all her toys!!!

Breakfast, I mean Lunch of Champions

Ajay: You must be hungry...you haven't had lunch.

Me: Yes I did.

Ajay: What did you have?

Me: Well, on the way to the store, I ate a chocolate chip cookie. And while I was at the store, I ate a whole bag of Chex Mix while I shopped.

My new toy

Awhile back I wrote about Ajay's new Mac that Maya got him for his birthday. It's a fantastic machine... neither of us have even begun to wrap our brains around all of the cool stuff this thing does! Usually it's parked in our TV room which makes it really convenient for me during the day...if some on rings in on Skype or Yahoo Messenger I can easily get to it.

A couple of days ago, while looking for Skype in the Applications folder, I found an icon called Photo Booth. For all you Mac users out there, you may already know about this. I did not know about this program, so of course began exploring.

Ummm, where do I begin? Could there be a better program for a kid like me? It allows you to take pictures of yourself using the built-in webcam! I sense hours and hours of enjoyment coming on!

6 Week Check Up

Yesterday I took Alia for her 6 week check up...by myself! Yep, I did it...I left the house, in a car, with my baby...and the sky didn't fall!

First of all, the appointment was at 10:15. I spent the majority of the morning before that getting ready for our big voyage...20 minutes in the car! I didn't want to show up like last time with the Baby Sherpa back pack and back up diaper-changer and 67 diapers and a Costco size thing of wipes and 117 bottles and 62 burp cloths and 14 changes of clothes. Sure it was a laughing matter when we looked ourselves over for the 2 week check up, but I was committed to making less of a fool of myself this time.

So I packed a single, slender diaper bag. 6 diapers. 1 burp cloth. 1 bottle. 1 slender pack of wipes. 1 roll of baby powder fresh plastic bags for diaper disposal. 2 extra outfits. 1 car seat. 1 baby. My face powder, lip gloss, sunglasses and wallet. There! That should cover us!

I put Alia in the car, drove like all the other Moms in the world with babies to the doctor. Very uneventful, except for the occasional reach-back-and-put-the-binky-in-the-mouth with my extra long Mom arms.
Alia weighed in at the doctors at 9 pounds 5 ounces. She's 22 inches long. She's in the 75th percentile for height and the 25th percentile for weight, which was exactly how she stacked up last time.

The doctor told me again and again how pleased she was with her growth. She looked in her eyes, ears, looked at her little private parts. Perfect, she said, again and again. I asked her about Alia's veracious appetite...she told me to let her hunger guide me, but to know that the volumes we're talking about giving her (5 ounces at a time every 3-5 hours) is up there with a 6 month old! 

All in all, I gained a lot of confidence in myself and my ability to care for this little chic outside of my predictable little home microcosm. Oh, and how does Alia feel about her new bigger serving size bottles?

...and yes, Mommy spiked Alia's hair....again!

The Transition

Then:
Breast milk is best for Alia... and she will latch on if I just keep trying. If other women and babies can figure it out, so can we!

Later:
Okay, so maybe she won't latch on to my breast. Breast milk is best for her...I'll just pump it out and bottle feed her.

Later:
Wow, this is double duty. I pump for 20 minutes, feed her from the bottle for 20 minutes, then clean all the bottles and sterilize the pump components and set-up for the next pumping for another 20 minutes...oh well, breast milk is best for her...it's worth it...I guess...

Later:
I'm engorged. I have mastitis. I'm taking antibiotics. One nipple is cracked all the way around and the other is bleeding. I can't pump enough volume with my boobs in this shape to sustain her...I guess I'll have to supplement with formula...for now.

Later:
F**K that! I'm weaning. And the sooner the better. Breast milk is best for her...maybe, I mean, seriously, how many calories can my milk contain if I don't have the time to eat anything because I'm always cleaning this bottle or sterilizing that pump piece? And my Mom smoked, drank and fed us formula through a nuclear waste rod bottle while driving me around without a car seat or a seat belt. I think Alia will be just fine.

Fat clothes, here I come!!!

Normally I'm a size 6. Always have been, and I suppose I thought I always would be. Until fertility treatments.

Before starting fertility treatments, I weighed in the mid to high 120's...usually high 120's. Then came the drugs. And the steroids. And the slow-down-the-thyroid medicine. And then more drugs. And different drugs. And my need for an extra glass of wine at night to calm my spinning head from all the drugs pumping through my veins. So in the end, before conceiving, I made it up to around 140. Meaning those size 6's? They slowly became size 8's in my closet.

So last night our neighbors across the street invited our little family of 3 over for a very casual dinner. I was totally up for it...after all, I could tell everyone that I did in fact leave the house with Alia.

I showered, dried my hair, and yes, even put on make up in preparation for my evening with humans other than Ajay and Alia. When it came time to get dressed, I saw the perfect pair of dark denim jeans hanging there...yes, they were my "fat clothes" but nonetheless, it felt like they were taunting me. "Try me on....go ahead" they whispered.

Instead I picked up a pair of jersey knit pants and a cute top. Blaaah. Even 6 weeks post delivery, I know that even I can do better than that. After all, our neighbors had taken the time and energy to cook for us...I could at least wear something that resembled street clothes more and pajamas less.

"Try me on...what are you, chicken?" the dark jeans taunted.

Fine, I thought. Let's just see how bad it is...let's just make my good day a little sad by proving that normal people clothes will never fit over this stretched out belly.

I pulled them off the hanger.

I put in one leg.

I pulled on the other leg.

I pulled them over my voluminous backside.

I....huh???? buttoned them!!!! And zipped them too! My fat jeans fit.

Now here is the disclaimer...yes, they fit. But unlike before pregnancy, they were tight. Do I care? Sure I guess I do in a way, but not enough to deflate my pleasure of fitting into something in my closet that doesn't have an elastic waistband!

Retail therapy

This weekend, I needed to run to Target for some breast pads and a few other equally glamorous items. Knowing that I have absolutely nothing left to wear these days, (maternity clothes too big, old clothes too little, still)  Ajay suggested that I take some time for myself and go shopping for some clothes after Target. 

Reeeeallly? Shopping? For me? Like, for more than 7 minutes? Not online shopping...actually shopping where you try on things and buy what looks the best on you? Where you get to try multiple sizes and multiple colors? Sign me up! I'm in!

Off I went.  I accomplished my Target necessity shopping, and then headed to Anthropologie. My goal in this shopping adventure was to find things that I could wear at home, but mostly things that I can wear when I leave the house...which I haven't been doing much because I have NOTHING to wear! Oh yeah, and because I'm a little bit intimidated to take Alia out, but that's another confession for a different day, okay?

Once inside Anthropologie, I saw to my dismay that the fall clothing line was already in, and since summer runs well into September and sometimes October, I was doubtful that I'd find anything that I could wear now. And then, to my delight, I spotted some summer things....way back behind the wool sweaters and long sleeve everything....in the SALE! room. What could be better! All the things I wanted to buy at sale prices!!!

So after browsing for an hour and collecting armloads....yes, armloads of clothing from both the SALE! room and throughout the store, I was ready to check out...with several new tops and a few pairs of pants as well as a honeysuckle/lemon scented candle and a new wind-up timer for the kitchen (because sometimes you just need a few whimsical purchases) I happily made my way home with all sorts of outfit options for my theoretical trips outside the house...