Friday afternoon I was sitting at the computer minding my own business when I got a really sharp pain on the left side of my abdomen. It was sharp enough for me to stagger to the couch and recline in an attempt to regain my breath....and it took a while to catch my breath. This was around 1:15.
I thought about it...what could it be? It was right in the location where my little boy resides...is my body rejecting him? Trying to expel him? What's going on?
I picked up the phone and called my OB; her office was closed for lunch. After a few minutes, I came to the conclusion that it was probably just indigestion or something like that. No big deal. Ajay called from work shortly thereafter and I told him what had happened. He said to definitely call the doctor again after the lunch hour.
I talked with one of Dr. K's nurses who was familiar with my history, and considering what we've been through, she didn't want me to take any chances and told me to go to the hospital. I'm thinking, okay, should I be worried? Because I'm feeling like this is a little bit of an over-reaction. I mean, it happened awhile ago and didn't happen again.
Ajay calls again and tells me he's done with his day early and heading home. I ask him to Guess what? They want me to go to the hospital! After his long week of gruelingly long days, the moment he's sprung from the hospital, I'm asking him to turn around and go back. So he picked me up, and back to the hospital we go.
When I arrived to L&D, they treated me like a real patient...they had me change into their butt-flashing gown. I had an ID bracelet and everything. Now I'm really feeling like this is silly and I want to go home...but they were taking it so seriously that I felt that I should stay. And not to mention, the whole time Ajay is telling me, hey, don't worry about it...the best thing that could happen is that nothing is wrong, and they can confirm that for us.
So they draw blood, have me pee in a cup, order an ultrasound. We wait. I take in the beautiful ocean view from the room. We wait. I turn on the TV...did you know you have to pay an extra $7 per day for cable in the hospital? Like, seriously!!! And nothing is on network television, of course. We wait. I read some of my book. And then the ultrasound lady shows up...she tells me they've ordered a full abdominal scan as well as a full baby scan.
She starts with scanning the baby. Everything is A-okay. At 22 weeks, she's measuring 23 weeks, and weighs a pound and a half. She looks healthy and very cute. They continue to scan my little boy, but I still can't handle looking at the screen...it's still too sad for me to see him, and I can tell by looking at Ajay's face that I don't want to see the screen during this part.
She has me sit up and continues scanning---this time of my abdomen....checking out my liver, gall bladder, kidneys, etc., etc., etc. She changes in between probes to look at different depths---everything checks out okay. Again she asks me to point to where the pain was...I pointed to it, and she put the ultrasound probe right on top of the area I pointed to.
She turned the screen so I could see it.
She enlarged the image.
I saw a foot.
I had been kicked. Hard.
Now I call my little girl Ronaldino.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Retail Therapy
My sister came to California for a visit over her Easter/Spring Break break from school (she's a teacher), so I've been tied up most of the week. She visited from Indiana, and we had a really good time together...mainly focused on retail therapy.
My sister and I shop well together. She's a tiny little thing...size 0, so it's fun to try things on her like a little doll---all the clothes that I couldn't, shouldn't, or wouldn't dare look fantastic on her little frame. So from store to store we went....me more looking than trying on because regular clothes don't really fit me anymore, and it's just no fun to try on my old size 6 (no prayer), then an 8 (still too tight), then a 10 (now we're getting somewhere, but still tight in the belly) a 12? still doesn't fit---too big in the shoulders and hanging on me in some places and then tight on the belly...and then the final realization that my body isn't shaped like a normal girl and none of the clothes will fit...until I make my special trip to the maternity store.
We walked into the Maternity Gap store and all the clothes looked like bed sheets compared to the tiny little cute things I'd been harvesting from the racks for my sister. No longer am I a XXL in this store...I'm a petite little Medium...my normal size! Forget that all the tops have enough fabric to cover an elephant...I'm just happy that some one is calling me a "medium"!
Finally in the end we hit Bloomingdale's Private Sale. Equipped with my Private Sale coupons, we browsed around awhile. I have a weakness for nice sunglasses, and to my utter surprise, sunglasses still fit the same!!! What a perfect product!!! I can try them all on and they all fit and none of them require me to ask the lady if they come in any larger sizes!!! So blissfully, I ended up not only with a fashionable pair of new designer glasses, but I also was able to take advantage of the Private Sale...so really I saved money...if you really think about it!!!
My sister and I shop well together. She's a tiny little thing...size 0, so it's fun to try things on her like a little doll---all the clothes that I couldn't, shouldn't, or wouldn't dare look fantastic on her little frame. So from store to store we went....me more looking than trying on because regular clothes don't really fit me anymore, and it's just no fun to try on my old size 6 (no prayer), then an 8 (still too tight), then a 10 (now we're getting somewhere, but still tight in the belly) a 12? still doesn't fit---too big in the shoulders and hanging on me in some places and then tight on the belly...and then the final realization that my body isn't shaped like a normal girl and none of the clothes will fit...until I make my special trip to the maternity store.
We walked into the Maternity Gap store and all the clothes looked like bed sheets compared to the tiny little cute things I'd been harvesting from the racks for my sister. No longer am I a XXL in this store...I'm a petite little Medium...my normal size! Forget that all the tops have enough fabric to cover an elephant...I'm just happy that some one is calling me a "medium"!
Finally in the end we hit Bloomingdale's Private Sale. Equipped with my Private Sale coupons, we browsed around awhile. I have a weakness for nice sunglasses, and to my utter surprise, sunglasses still fit the same!!! What a perfect product!!! I can try them all on and they all fit and none of them require me to ask the lady if they come in any larger sizes!!! So blissfully, I ended up not only with a fashionable pair of new designer glasses, but I also was able to take advantage of the Private Sale...so really I saved money...if you really think about it!!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
22 week development
Here's what Baby Center has to say about this week's development....
How your baby's growing
Your baby now looks like a miniature newborn, checking in at 10.9 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound. Her skin will continue to appear wrinkled until she gains enough weight to fill it out, and the fine hair (lanugo) that covers her head and body is now visible. Her lips are becoming more distinct, and the first signs of teeth are appearing as buds beneath her gum line. Her eyes are developed, though the iris (the colored part of the eye) still lacks pigment. Eyelids and eyebrows are in place, and her pancreas, essential for hormone production, is developing steadily.Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.
How your life's changing
You may start to notice stretch marks on your skin as your abdomen expands to accommodate your growing baby. Some pregnant women never get stretch marks, but at least half do. These small streaks of differently textured skin can range from pink to dark brown (depending on your skin color), and they become more apparent as pregnancy progresses. They can appear not only on your tummy, but also on your buttocks, thighs, hips, and breasts. Lotions won't prevent or eliminate them, but they help with any itching. Also, you may no longer be an "innie" — your navel is flat and may soon pop out. It will revert to its usual shape after birth.Another interesting skin quirk you may notice during pregnancy is something called vascular spiders. These are little areas of raised, reddish skin, with tiny branches. Commonly found on the face, neck, upper chest, and arms, they're caused by the higher levels of estrogen in pregnancy, and they usually disappear after delivery.
How your baby's growing
Your baby now looks like a miniature newborn, checking in at 10.9 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound. Her skin will continue to appear wrinkled until she gains enough weight to fill it out, and the fine hair (lanugo) that covers her head and body is now visible. Her lips are becoming more distinct, and the first signs of teeth are appearing as buds beneath her gum line. Her eyes are developed, though the iris (the colored part of the eye) still lacks pigment. Eyelids and eyebrows are in place, and her pancreas, essential for hormone production, is developing steadily.Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.
How your life's changing
You may start to notice stretch marks on your skin as your abdomen expands to accommodate your growing baby. Some pregnant women never get stretch marks, but at least half do. These small streaks of differently textured skin can range from pink to dark brown (depending on your skin color), and they become more apparent as pregnancy progresses. They can appear not only on your tummy, but also on your buttocks, thighs, hips, and breasts. Lotions won't prevent or eliminate them, but they help with any itching. Also, you may no longer be an "innie" — your navel is flat and may soon pop out. It will revert to its usual shape after birth.Another interesting skin quirk you may notice during pregnancy is something called vascular spiders. These are little areas of raised, reddish skin, with tiny branches. Commonly found on the face, neck, upper chest, and arms, they're caused by the higher levels of estrogen in pregnancy, and they usually disappear after delivery.
Friday, March 21, 2008
A new baby!
Congratulations to my brother Kevin and sister in law Merfe on their beautiful baby girl, Alison.
3-21-08
3-21-08Prenatal yoga
Okay....what was my post just a few days ago? About enjoying the now? And appreciating the present? Yeah, as you can see from my last post, there's a reason I need to go to yoga class to remind myself of that. I keep living in the future rather than the now. I guess I can't be blamed too much to be so excited to have our baby here at home with us...outside my body that is.
So...I went to my first prenatal class since Baby Boy died yesterday. I was happy to go to class, happy to be there, but once I got there I had second thoughts...and thirds...and fourths. See, the thing about yoga, especially prenatal, is that it forces you to slow down, breath, reflect, get in touch with yourself and where you are and what you're feeling.
My whole life, I've coped with various things by keeping busy, doing projects, being productive. Maybe that's my own way of pushing the pain away until it's softened enough to deal with. I am a Midwestern girl...I was taught to have a stiff upper lip. Growing up, our family didn't do so well at expressing emotion. My Mom expressed most emotions with anger...sadness, frustration, loss, impatience, you name it...they all came out as anger. My Dad was much more tender, but being a man raised in the 50's, it's not like he had much of a desire to help us explore and process and articulate our feelings. I mean that with no judgement or disrespect, it was just how people dealt with things in those times.
Yesterday during class, while searching for my yogic bliss, I came across a lot of sadness. I wanted to leave class within the first 20 minutes. My teacher guided us through calm, soothing breaths, and had us focus on expanding the space around our babies, giving them new space to enjoy...."focus on connecting with your baby", she said. My mind immediately went to "which one? the one that's kicking me or the one that's floating and decomposing?" Yes, a graphic thought, but I'm just being honest.
It's so sad. It's just so sad that there is that conflict in my mind and heart. I can be so happy one moment...all it takes is a thick kick in the ribs to make me smile. And at the same time, I realize Alia lies wholly on my right side, causing that side to stick out noticeably more than the left, because Baby Boy is still occupying the left side. His portion of my abdomen will continue to shrink, and I'm sure this detail isn't noticeable to the outside person, but it's painfully obvious to me.
I feel like mentally, I've accepted things...I've made it past denial, and I don't feel so angry anymore. But when I slow down and focus on everything, like in yoga class, I realize there is a lot of grief, and this is going to take a long time to get past.
So...I went to my first prenatal class since Baby Boy died yesterday. I was happy to go to class, happy to be there, but once I got there I had second thoughts...and thirds...and fourths. See, the thing about yoga, especially prenatal, is that it forces you to slow down, breath, reflect, get in touch with yourself and where you are and what you're feeling.
My whole life, I've coped with various things by keeping busy, doing projects, being productive. Maybe that's my own way of pushing the pain away until it's softened enough to deal with. I am a Midwestern girl...I was taught to have a stiff upper lip. Growing up, our family didn't do so well at expressing emotion. My Mom expressed most emotions with anger...sadness, frustration, loss, impatience, you name it...they all came out as anger. My Dad was much more tender, but being a man raised in the 50's, it's not like he had much of a desire to help us explore and process and articulate our feelings. I mean that with no judgement or disrespect, it was just how people dealt with things in those times.
Yesterday during class, while searching for my yogic bliss, I came across a lot of sadness. I wanted to leave class within the first 20 minutes. My teacher guided us through calm, soothing breaths, and had us focus on expanding the space around our babies, giving them new space to enjoy...."focus on connecting with your baby", she said. My mind immediately went to "which one? the one that's kicking me or the one that's floating and decomposing?" Yes, a graphic thought, but I'm just being honest.
It's so sad. It's just so sad that there is that conflict in my mind and heart. I can be so happy one moment...all it takes is a thick kick in the ribs to make me smile. And at the same time, I realize Alia lies wholly on my right side, causing that side to stick out noticeably more than the left, because Baby Boy is still occupying the left side. His portion of my abdomen will continue to shrink, and I'm sure this detail isn't noticeable to the outside person, but it's painfully obvious to me.
I feel like mentally, I've accepted things...I've made it past denial, and I don't feel so angry anymore. But when I slow down and focus on everything, like in yoga class, I realize there is a lot of grief, and this is going to take a long time to get past.
A new baby!!!!
This morning at 12:12 my niece, Alison, my brother's first child, was born. She weighed just under 7 pounds and is perfect. I can't wait to see her...my brother's wife is from the Philippines, and he's Caucasian, so I just know she's going to be gorgeous. I love Asian/Caucasian mixes...probably a good thing since our little girl will also be Asian Indian mixed with Caucasian!
While her birth is technically about them, I can't help but to get even more excited for my daughter to be born. Yesterday during checkout at a store, the cash register lady asked "when is your baby due?" When I told her July, she said, "oh, that's just around the corner!".
After leaving the store, I was thinking...."no, if this were June, or even July, that would be "just around the corner", but this is March...hellllo? I mean, if I could grow a marsupial pouch and deliver her kangaroo-style right now I would...just so I could see our little girl whenever I want and make sure she's safe and alive.
I am anxious....with what seems to be a long way to go. And seriously, my first trimester flew by. I was 12 weeks in the blink of an eye. But here I am in the middle...of the longest 2nd trimester ever! I still have a long way until I crack into the third trimester.
Okay....what was my post just a few days ago? About enjoying the now? And appreciating the present? Yeah, as you can see, there's a reason I need to go to yoga class to remind myself of that.
While her birth is technically about them, I can't help but to get even more excited for my daughter to be born. Yesterday during checkout at a store, the cash register lady asked "when is your baby due?" When I told her July, she said, "oh, that's just around the corner!".
After leaving the store, I was thinking...."no, if this were June, or even July, that would be "just around the corner", but this is March...hellllo? I mean, if I could grow a marsupial pouch and deliver her kangaroo-style right now I would...just so I could see our little girl whenever I want and make sure she's safe and alive.
I am anxious....with what seems to be a long way to go. And seriously, my first trimester flew by. I was 12 weeks in the blink of an eye. But here I am in the middle...of the longest 2nd trimester ever! I still have a long way until I crack into the third trimester.
Okay....what was my post just a few days ago? About enjoying the now? And appreciating the present? Yeah, as you can see, there's a reason I need to go to yoga class to remind myself of that.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Baby Changing Table Project
Yesterday the crib and changing table/dresser arrived. I couldn't wait to get started, so I chose to start on the dresser....seemed logical...it was the smaller of the two boxes.
Here's the crib box:
And the dresser/changing table:
The top removable baby changing station went together in a snap...the rest should be a breeze...right?
Except...holy crap! Look at all those pieces...I sense I might actually have to concentrate and follow the instructions!
I assembled the feet to the base of the dresser...
Assembled the side walls of the dresser to the back braces, and then installed the top two drawer guide gliders (note, I was tempted to install all three drawer gliders, but the directions said only the top two...and because I committed to following the directions, all of them, I did what they said and stopped with the top two)
Then I attached the top of the dresser to the sides, and then installed the backing to the dresser.
Then I installed the bottom drawer glider...why it was important to do this later rather than before, I have no idea...but look who's following the directions like a good girl!!!
I assembled the drawers, minding there were slots to slide in the base of the drawer...miraculously not a single side drawer component was assembled facing the wrong way, so everything slid right together.
I installed the drawer gliders to the drawer, again, miraculously they all ended up facing the right way, so that when it was time to put the drawers in the dresser....
the drawers all worked! Voila! The baby's first piece of furniture!
Here's the crib box:
And the dresser/changing table:
The top removable baby changing station went together in a snap...the rest should be a breeze...right?
Except...holy crap! Look at all those pieces...I sense I might actually have to concentrate and follow the instructions!
I assembled the feet to the base of the dresser...
Assembled the side walls of the dresser to the back braces, and then installed the top two drawer guide gliders (note, I was tempted to install all three drawer gliders, but the directions said only the top two...and because I committed to following the directions, all of them, I did what they said and stopped with the top two)
Then I attached the top of the dresser to the sides, and then installed the backing to the dresser.
Then I installed the bottom drawer glider...why it was important to do this later rather than before, I have no idea...but look who's following the directions like a good girl!!!
I assembled the drawers, minding there were slots to slide in the base of the drawer...miraculously not a single side drawer component was assembled facing the wrong way, so everything slid right together.
I installed the drawer gliders to the drawer, again, miraculously they all ended up facing the right way, so that when it was time to put the drawers in the dresser....
the drawers all worked! Voila! The baby's first piece of furniture!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
21 week development
Babycenter.com says the following about this week's progress:
How your baby's growing:
Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long, the length of a carrot. If you're having a girl, her vagina is formed now, though it will continue to develop until birth. Your baby is really on the move now. Fetal researchers say babies move about 50 times an hour even while sleeping. All that movement helps stimulate your baby's physical and mental development. You may not notice 50 kicks, punches, and twirls during the day, but as you're settling down at night, don't be surprised if your little guy seems ready to dance the night away.
How your baby's growing:
Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long, the length of a carrot. If you're having a girl, her vagina is formed now, though it will continue to develop until birth. Your baby is really on the move now. Fetal researchers say babies move about 50 times an hour even while sleeping. All that movement helps stimulate your baby's physical and mental development. You may not notice 50 kicks, punches, and twirls during the day, but as you're settling down at night, don't be surprised if your little guy seems ready to dance the night away.
How your life's changing:
You're probably feeling pretty comfortable these days. You're not too big yet, and the usual aches and pains associated with early pregnancy are, for the most part, gone. Relax and enjoy it while you can — the third trimester will bring some mild discomfort from carrying a baby who is nearly full-term.That's not to say you don't have some minor glitches to deal with now. Increased oil production may have given you a mild case of acne, for example. If that's the case, be diligent about washing well with a gentle soap and water twice a day, but don't take any oral acne medications — or even use any topical acne products — without checking with your practitioner first.You're also prone to varicose veins now (especially if your mom has them). That's because pregnancy puts added pressure on the veins in your legs. (Your blood volume is increased and your uterus puts pressure on the inferior vena cava, the large vein that returns blood from the lower half of your body to your heart.) As if that's not enough, an increase in the hormone progesterone causes the walls of your blood vessels to relax, so as your baby and uterus grow, the veins can become more and more prominent. Varicose veins tend to worsen with each pregnancy, and while they're most likely to show up in your legs, they can also appear on your vulva.If your legs ache, put maternity support hose on first thing in the morning. Increasing your circulation with a brisk walk each day can also help, as can elevating your legs and sleeping on your left side with your feet propped up with a pillow.
Living in the Now
I'm doing better. The flowers that people sent us when we lost Baby Boy have started to die, and I think it might be time to consider tossing them. Strange thing about flowers that mark a sad event...flowers are inherently cheerful and brighten up your house, but when they are tied to mourning, it's different...they remind you of the people who care about you in your life, and they remind you of why they are there in the first place. I hesitate to throw them away for all of those reasons. I realize that throwing away wilted flowers is not setting aside my grief, but in a way, maybe that's what I'm hoping for.
Yesterday after my ultrasound, I spent some time walking around Fashion Island, which is our outdoor mall. It was such a pretty day, and I just felt like having some nice quiet me-time. I bought some more baby books for Alia, books that will teach her animals and colors. I like to imagine reading to her, and asking her, what color is the horse? And what does a horse say? I can't wait for her to get here.
At the same time, if I've learned anything from years of yoga classes, it's to live in the moment. Enjoy the now. Don't pin your happiness to the future, but enjoy the present, every breath of it. Don't dwell in the past. Focus on now. Appreciate where you are. Well, okay, let's see if I can reel myself in and stop projecting forward....focus on the now.
Well, I do like my big belly. I am so amused to look at it and to feel the warm tender spot where I know she lies. I do enjoy eating cookies and frozen yogurt, which is a new indulgence that I allow myself. I like being pregnant (especially now that I am beyond the morning sickness and headaches for the most part)...I love to think of Alia floating around in her little sac of fluid. I like to wonder what she's thinking, and if she's thinking yet. I love that I'm the one who gets to carry her around all day every day. I love that I'm her protector and in charge of her completely.
I love that when we sit on the couch at night and I raise my shirt to look at the roundness of my belly, Ajay puts his hand on my belly to share that time with his daughter. I love to wonder with Ajay what she'll look like, if she really will have his big ears like the ultrasound projects. Will she have Indian features and my skin tone? Or will she have my European features and Ajay's lovely skin tone? I love that I have started to feel her kick on the lateral and medial sides, beyond where her placenta lies. I love the tiny little socks that have cat's faces on the toes that my Mom sent. I love that we are so fortunate to have Alia, and I think I realize that even more after losing Baby Boy. I love that Alia has cousins on the way that she'll get to grow up with.
Here are some other things about the present that I struggle with...First and foremost and most obviously, I hate that we lost Baby Boy, and I hate that Alia lost her brother and possibly her best friend. I hate that my pregnancy happiness is conflicted and polarized between elation and devastation. I don't like that at any point I can have a trigger that brings tears to my eyes. I don't like that Baby Boy won't get to be a part of our family...I feel sorry for him. It's like he doesn't get to come with us on vacation...left behind while we move forward in our lives and grow our family. I hate that losing him could quite possibly ruin me if I let it.
I don't like the butt print on my couch when I get up...I mean, who's ass was that sitting where I was sitting??? Santa Claus? I don't like that my pants are a size (or two) bigger...even in maternity clothes---sure they say they're adjusted for pregnancy, but who are they? I don't like that I now fear buying baby things...after losing Baby Boy, and I had to return the double-strollers, the extra car seat, and the extra crib, crib bedding, and crib mattress, I became scared to buy anything. I still haven't decided on a single-stroller...I still can't bring myself to even begin looking again after all the Consumer Reports research and looking from store to store to find people that carried to elusive twin stroller (sure they have lots of strollers that will hold two, but not two newborns at a time, so they weren't truly twin strollers...a very deceptive characteristic that Mom's of twins have to focus in on.) I don't like that Ajay still has daily reminders at work of just how sad our loss is...just Friday one of the nurses who hadn't heard about Baby Boy asked him how the twins were doing...Ajay told her what happened, and she burst out in tears on the spot. When I heard this story, I thought that we shouldn't have told anyone...we should have waited longer to spread the word that we were expecting twins...but then I realize that we didn't do anything wrong...no one expects to lose a baby at the pregnancy's half way mark. I think that's the mind's way of trying to learn something from the pain, trying to prevent it in the future...but in reality we couldn't have known, and it's normal to share your happiness with friends and family and co-workers.
All in all, like I said, I'm doing better. I do my best to focus on the positives every day, and I still allow myself to love Alia more every day. I like that my fear of loss hasn't tempered my raw emotion for our baby girl. I do understand that our loss will take time to recover from, and who knows if you ever fully recover. But all in all, I'm doing pretty good in the present.
Yesterday after my ultrasound, I spent some time walking around Fashion Island, which is our outdoor mall. It was such a pretty day, and I just felt like having some nice quiet me-time. I bought some more baby books for Alia, books that will teach her animals and colors. I like to imagine reading to her, and asking her, what color is the horse? And what does a horse say? I can't wait for her to get here.
At the same time, if I've learned anything from years of yoga classes, it's to live in the moment. Enjoy the now. Don't pin your happiness to the future, but enjoy the present, every breath of it. Don't dwell in the past. Focus on now. Appreciate where you are. Well, okay, let's see if I can reel myself in and stop projecting forward....focus on the now.
Well, I do like my big belly. I am so amused to look at it and to feel the warm tender spot where I know she lies. I do enjoy eating cookies and frozen yogurt, which is a new indulgence that I allow myself. I like being pregnant (especially now that I am beyond the morning sickness and headaches for the most part)...I love to think of Alia floating around in her little sac of fluid. I like to wonder what she's thinking, and if she's thinking yet. I love that I'm the one who gets to carry her around all day every day. I love that I'm her protector and in charge of her completely.
I love that when we sit on the couch at night and I raise my shirt to look at the roundness of my belly, Ajay puts his hand on my belly to share that time with his daughter. I love to wonder with Ajay what she'll look like, if she really will have his big ears like the ultrasound projects. Will she have Indian features and my skin tone? Or will she have my European features and Ajay's lovely skin tone? I love that I have started to feel her kick on the lateral and medial sides, beyond where her placenta lies. I love the tiny little socks that have cat's faces on the toes that my Mom sent. I love that we are so fortunate to have Alia, and I think I realize that even more after losing Baby Boy. I love that Alia has cousins on the way that she'll get to grow up with.
Here are some other things about the present that I struggle with...First and foremost and most obviously, I hate that we lost Baby Boy, and I hate that Alia lost her brother and possibly her best friend. I hate that my pregnancy happiness is conflicted and polarized between elation and devastation. I don't like that at any point I can have a trigger that brings tears to my eyes. I don't like that Baby Boy won't get to be a part of our family...I feel sorry for him. It's like he doesn't get to come with us on vacation...left behind while we move forward in our lives and grow our family. I hate that losing him could quite possibly ruin me if I let it.
I don't like the butt print on my couch when I get up...I mean, who's ass was that sitting where I was sitting??? Santa Claus? I don't like that my pants are a size (or two) bigger...even in maternity clothes---sure they say they're adjusted for pregnancy, but who are they? I don't like that I now fear buying baby things...after losing Baby Boy, and I had to return the double-strollers, the extra car seat, and the extra crib, crib bedding, and crib mattress, I became scared to buy anything. I still haven't decided on a single-stroller...I still can't bring myself to even begin looking again after all the Consumer Reports research and looking from store to store to find people that carried to elusive twin stroller (sure they have lots of strollers that will hold two, but not two newborns at a time, so they weren't truly twin strollers...a very deceptive characteristic that Mom's of twins have to focus in on.) I don't like that Ajay still has daily reminders at work of just how sad our loss is...just Friday one of the nurses who hadn't heard about Baby Boy asked him how the twins were doing...Ajay told her what happened, and she burst out in tears on the spot. When I heard this story, I thought that we shouldn't have told anyone...we should have waited longer to spread the word that we were expecting twins...but then I realize that we didn't do anything wrong...no one expects to lose a baby at the pregnancy's half way mark. I think that's the mind's way of trying to learn something from the pain, trying to prevent it in the future...but in reality we couldn't have known, and it's normal to share your happiness with friends and family and co-workers.
All in all, like I said, I'm doing better. I do my best to focus on the positives every day, and I still allow myself to love Alia more every day. I like that my fear of loss hasn't tempered my raw emotion for our baby girl. I do understand that our loss will take time to recover from, and who knows if you ever fully recover. But all in all, I'm doing pretty good in the present.
21 week scan
Yesterday I had an ultrasound...the technician was surprised to see me for yet another week in a row, but when I explained that it really helps me to see her, she said, "hey, whatever it takes after all you've been through!"
She scanned over Alia, and she was wiggling away. At first she was lying in her signature pose, using my pelvic floor as a hammock. Then during the scan she flipped over into fetal position. She looked so much like a little baby! Her little legs were tucked up beneath her, and her ankles were crossed...such a little lady.
I asked about Baby Boy, and from her answer, I gather that he's still in there but nature is beginning to take it's course with him. I still can't look at the screen when she scans him. She said he still takes up half of my uterus, which is why I'm so much bigger than your average girl at 21 weeks. She told me at the `9 week anatomy scan, when we discovered he had died, he measured 17 weeks, which means that he was a little small for his age, considering they felt that he died 2 days before that scan, somewhere around 18 1/2 weeks.
She sent me home with two little ultrasound photos, but neither are very clear...and what did I do with them, anyway....hmmmm...uh oh. I have no clue what I did with them after I showed Ajay last night. Seriously...they're nowhere to be found...did I eat them?
Nope, here they are!!!
She scanned over Alia, and she was wiggling away. At first she was lying in her signature pose, using my pelvic floor as a hammock. Then during the scan she flipped over into fetal position. She looked so much like a little baby! Her little legs were tucked up beneath her, and her ankles were crossed...such a little lady.
I asked about Baby Boy, and from her answer, I gather that he's still in there but nature is beginning to take it's course with him. I still can't look at the screen when she scans him. She said he still takes up half of my uterus, which is why I'm so much bigger than your average girl at 21 weeks. She told me at the `9 week anatomy scan, when we discovered he had died, he measured 17 weeks, which means that he was a little small for his age, considering they felt that he died 2 days before that scan, somewhere around 18 1/2 weeks.
She sent me home with two little ultrasound photos, but neither are very clear...and what did I do with them, anyway....hmmmm...uh oh. I have no clue what I did with them after I showed Ajay last night. Seriously...they're nowhere to be found...did I eat them?
Nope, here they are!!!
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Spring Pea Salad
I made this recipe yesterday and it was really tasty. Lots of fresh springtime flavors (I guess that's why they named it Spring Pea Salad).
If you're out of capers (like I was), you can sub an equal amount of green olives finely chopped, although I do prefer the capers. And Chris, I know Tim doesn't like mint too much, so maybe sub fresh Italian Parsley? Just an idea....
Spring Pea Salad
1/2 cup fresh mint leaves, torn
1 tablespoon capers, roughly chopped
1 small shallot, thinly sliced
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/8 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 pound green peas, blanched (if fresh) or thawed (if frozen)
1/2 cup (4 ounces) crumbled goat cheese
In a medium bowl, combine the mint, capers, shallot, zest, oil, salt, and pepper. Add the peas and goat cheese and toss gently. Serve at room temperature.
Yield: Makes 4 servings
CALORIES 357 (63% from fat); FAT 25g (sat 9g); SUGAR 7g; PROTEIN 15g; CHOLESTEROL 30mg; SODIUM 228mg; FIBER 6g; CARBOHYDRATE 19g
Real Simple, JUNE 2006
If you're out of capers (like I was), you can sub an equal amount of green olives finely chopped, although I do prefer the capers. And Chris, I know Tim doesn't like mint too much, so maybe sub fresh Italian Parsley? Just an idea....
Spring Pea Salad
1/2 cup fresh mint leaves, torn
1 tablespoon capers, roughly chopped
1 small shallot, thinly sliced
1 teaspoon grated lemon zest
1/4 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/8 teaspoon kosher salt
1/4 teaspoon black pepper
1 pound green peas, blanched (if fresh) or thawed (if frozen)
1/2 cup (4 ounces) crumbled goat cheese
In a medium bowl, combine the mint, capers, shallot, zest, oil, salt, and pepper. Add the peas and goat cheese and toss gently. Serve at room temperature.
Yield: Makes 4 servings
CALORIES 357 (63% from fat); FAT 25g (sat 9g); SUGAR 7g; PROTEIN 15g; CHOLESTEROL 30mg; SODIUM 228mg; FIBER 6g; CARBOHYDRATE 19g
Real Simple, JUNE 2006
Friday, March 14, 2008
Welcome to the '70's
Here are some photos that I found while cleaning out closets this week.
Here I am on the swing...I'm guessing this is Easter 1974.
Here I am on the swing...I'm guessing this is Easter 1974.
Here is my sister on what appears to be her birthday, but you may notice that there's a smaller child on the right? That's me...weaseling my way into yet another photo. Our family albums contain an embarrassing amount of photos that are clearly supposed to be of someone else, but there I am...like a moth to a flame. I couldn't resist a flash bulb. Say "Cheese"? Glad to! I'm your girl!!! Kind of reminds me of Ajay's Uncle Hiroo, but that's another story entirely.
And this photo was taken at my Grandma's house...okay, clearly my sister is up to something...and I'm just too young to know what. What has she dressed me in? And why are we in the broom closet (or whatever that strange room was between Grandma's kitchen and family room that had the weird outside entrance)? Why were those walls brick? And see how petite my sister is? She still looks like this, only about 30 years later.
And who could forget the 1st grade portrait...don't you just love the autumn leaves background? I had my first professional haircut that year---it used to be long like the pictures above, but I made a crown out of Silly Putty and wore it on my head...as the Putty heated up from my body temperature, it got stuck in my hair...forcing me to loose inches off my locks. My Mom took me for what I remember to be my first salon haircut at her salon...Roger's at the Evansville, Indiana mini-mall (it had a toy store called Woolsey's right next door, and I never understood why I couldn't take the toys from Woolsey's to show my Mom at the salon while she was getting her haircut...it's not like I was stealing them...I was going to take them back...what's the big deal?) At that time, my little brain couldn't decipher the difference between a mall and a department store....I mean, at Sears I was allowed to take toys from one area to another to beg....why not at the mall too? The year of this hair cut, Captain and Tonnelle were very popular, so I wanted my hair cut like hers....singing Love Will Keep Us Together while trying to hold still in the chair---I mean, for Godsake...the chair swivels!!! How am I supposed to not swivel back and forth!?
And finally my brother makes an appearance in this one...well kind of...in fact, no amount of Photoshop could retrieve his face. This was taken at my Grandma and Grandpa's house. I don't remember the story of where the tree house came from, but I do know that my sister and Keven were able to get up in it by themselves, but I had to be lifted up to be in this picture...and once I was up there I realized that I would also have to come down...why hadn't I thought this through. I'm sure this day ended up with buckets of tears. My poor parents.
Denial
I feel surprised to find myself in denial again...or maybe still. I told Ajay last night that I look forward to seeing Alia on ultrasound again on Monday, and that my mind tells me that maybe Baby Boy will surprise us all and wake up. Maybe his heart will be beating again to everyone's surprise...he'll make medical history as the only baby to be gone this long and still be okay...I keep hoping he’ll wake up and live again. Miraculously, he bounced back.
When I lost him, I was 19 weeks, but in my mind I might as well have been full term…that’s how attached I am to our little guy and the idea of him being an integral part of a twin set. For the past 5 months, we've seen our family in our mind, and that included Baby Boy. Twins. A station wagon? Sharing a bedroom. Two cribs. Two car seats. Not having enough hands. Chasing one naked baby around the house, only to find that I caught one, but the other one took off. I looked forward to the joy of that kind of chaos. Being an organized person, I looked forward to my whole world being shaken up and turned completely upside down.
And why, with this sudden and unpredictable horror have I spent this entire week pulling out everything in our closet, sweeping out dust bunnies, organizing like there’s no tomorrow. I've found old photo albums, scanned the old photos into my computer, doctored them up with Photoshop. All day every day I have focused on projects that revolve around putting things in order...clinging to order to try to attempt to control what doesn't have order in my mind....what can never have order or make sense to my emotion filled mind.
I've mentioned before that my tummy that used to be round and hard is now flabby and yucky. I lost one of two babies, so unfortunately I’ll continue carrying our baby boy who died until his sister is born in July. They can't do a D&C. The space he occupies is no longer firm….as his amniotic sac shrinks, his spot in my tummy gets flabbier and flabbier. I am so thankful to still have our daughter and at the same time find this grieving very conflicting. I know I'm not alone in this loss, it happens to other women...and most women don't have another baby to focus on. They have to face the baldness of their loss head on with no redeeming baby to focus on.
In a way, I feel like the loss of Baby Boy has strengthened my relationship with my husband. I feel as if this is something that the two of us share wholly and together. We cling to each other in a way that we haven’t before. I feel like I need him like I haven’t felt before. And that's not to say I didn't need him before, it's just different now.
I fear not remembering enough as the memory of our would-be twins fade in our minds and are replaced with new images of having a little girl...just one child, at least for now. We were going to have twins. Now there’s somebody who will forever be missing from that picture. On one hand my mind needs to move on from the pain of loss, and focus on our little girl and how fortunate we are to still have her, and on the other hand I feel like it’s not fair to him to divert attention away from losing him. And I am constantly afraid of losing our daughter, too.
I have two sister-in-laws that are pregnant…I had also imagined in great detail these kids growing up together…our Baby Boy being surrounded by girls...his twin sister, and three little girl cousins all very close in age. Now the picture is incomplete…there won’t be a little boy to chase the little girls with slimy things.
Our babies were conceived through IVF. I find myself already thinking of next time, and I hope for a miracle for lack of better word...conceiving on our own without having to go through all that again.
I feel concerned about Baby Boy’s twin sister, Alia. Do we tell her about her twin? If yes, when? Will she feel cheated that she doesn’t have him? Guilty because she survived? Or do we not tell her and find out in 30 years she's always felt like she was missing something or someone.
What will come of our Baby Boy’s things that we had bought…can our little girl wear a brown onesie with a puppy on front? Could I add a cardigan to it to make it more feminine? Or will it be a painful reminder of the fact that she’s wearing the clothes of a little guy that isn’t there.
When I lost him, I was 19 weeks, but in my mind I might as well have been full term…that’s how attached I am to our little guy and the idea of him being an integral part of a twin set. For the past 5 months, we've seen our family in our mind, and that included Baby Boy. Twins. A station wagon? Sharing a bedroom. Two cribs. Two car seats. Not having enough hands. Chasing one naked baby around the house, only to find that I caught one, but the other one took off. I looked forward to the joy of that kind of chaos. Being an organized person, I looked forward to my whole world being shaken up and turned completely upside down.
And why, with this sudden and unpredictable horror have I spent this entire week pulling out everything in our closet, sweeping out dust bunnies, organizing like there’s no tomorrow. I've found old photo albums, scanned the old photos into my computer, doctored them up with Photoshop. All day every day I have focused on projects that revolve around putting things in order...clinging to order to try to attempt to control what doesn't have order in my mind....what can never have order or make sense to my emotion filled mind.
I've mentioned before that my tummy that used to be round and hard is now flabby and yucky. I lost one of two babies, so unfortunately I’ll continue carrying our baby boy who died until his sister is born in July. They can't do a D&C. The space he occupies is no longer firm….as his amniotic sac shrinks, his spot in my tummy gets flabbier and flabbier. I am so thankful to still have our daughter and at the same time find this grieving very conflicting. I know I'm not alone in this loss, it happens to other women...and most women don't have another baby to focus on. They have to face the baldness of their loss head on with no redeeming baby to focus on.
In a way, I feel like the loss of Baby Boy has strengthened my relationship with my husband. I feel as if this is something that the two of us share wholly and together. We cling to each other in a way that we haven’t before. I feel like I need him like I haven’t felt before. And that's not to say I didn't need him before, it's just different now.
I fear not remembering enough as the memory of our would-be twins fade in our minds and are replaced with new images of having a little girl...just one child, at least for now. We were going to have twins. Now there’s somebody who will forever be missing from that picture. On one hand my mind needs to move on from the pain of loss, and focus on our little girl and how fortunate we are to still have her, and on the other hand I feel like it’s not fair to him to divert attention away from losing him. And I am constantly afraid of losing our daughter, too.
I have two sister-in-laws that are pregnant…I had also imagined in great detail these kids growing up together…our Baby Boy being surrounded by girls...his twin sister, and three little girl cousins all very close in age. Now the picture is incomplete…there won’t be a little boy to chase the little girls with slimy things.
Our babies were conceived through IVF. I find myself already thinking of next time, and I hope for a miracle for lack of better word...conceiving on our own without having to go through all that again.
I feel concerned about Baby Boy’s twin sister, Alia. Do we tell her about her twin? If yes, when? Will she feel cheated that she doesn’t have him? Guilty because she survived? Or do we not tell her and find out in 30 years she's always felt like she was missing something or someone.
What will come of our Baby Boy’s things that we had bought…can our little girl wear a brown onesie with a puppy on front? Could I add a cardigan to it to make it more feminine? Or will it be a painful reminder of the fact that she’s wearing the clothes of a little guy that isn’t there.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Who's there?
I read somewhere that some women feel their baby's movement as early as 14 weeks, especially if they've had babies before---they recognize the sensations for what they are better than a first time Mom. I haven't been so lucky... I'm over 20 weeks, and still not feeling much of anything.
I think I may have mentioned before that my little girl has an anterior placenta, meaning it's located between my baby and my abdominal wall and acts as a cushion for her many kicks and movements. So I haven't been feeling much....until the past few days, that is.
I spend a lot of time at my computer, and maybe it's just the sheer amount of time I sit in front of the computer, or maybe it's that I'm sitting still, but I notice her moving around the most while I'm at my desk. I'll be working away and I'll feel the faintest little tapping. She's on my right side, in a head down position, so her little feet kick about two inches below my ribs. I've heard a lot of Moms lightly (and not so lightly) complain about being kicked in the ribs, but for me, it fills me with happiness and optimism. After losing Baby Boy, I am ecstatic for every single sign of life. Maybe my tune will change when she's bigger and kicking harder, but I doubt it. I'll let you know.
When I feel her kicking, I immediately stop everything and focus on my globe of a belly and hope she does it again. And if she doesn't, I tap back to try to stimulate her. If she still doesn't do it again, I've been known to jiggle my whole belly back and forth just to feel her tap back at me again.
I think I may have mentioned before that my little girl has an anterior placenta, meaning it's located between my baby and my abdominal wall and acts as a cushion for her many kicks and movements. So I haven't been feeling much....until the past few days, that is.
I spend a lot of time at my computer, and maybe it's just the sheer amount of time I sit in front of the computer, or maybe it's that I'm sitting still, but I notice her moving around the most while I'm at my desk. I'll be working away and I'll feel the faintest little tapping. She's on my right side, in a head down position, so her little feet kick about two inches below my ribs. I've heard a lot of Moms lightly (and not so lightly) complain about being kicked in the ribs, but for me, it fills me with happiness and optimism. After losing Baby Boy, I am ecstatic for every single sign of life. Maybe my tune will change when she's bigger and kicking harder, but I doubt it. I'll let you know.
When I feel her kicking, I immediately stop everything and focus on my globe of a belly and hope she does it again. And if she doesn't, I tap back to try to stimulate her. If she still doesn't do it again, I've been known to jiggle my whole belly back and forth just to feel her tap back at me again.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
The nursery...after paint
My goal in the nursery was to create something bright! and cheerful! and happy! I decided on spring green for the walls---but it kind of got a little...well....bright. Like, too bright. Like hideous bright. I hesitate to even post the before and after shots because I'm afraid the before is better than the after...with a whole lot of effort to make it....worse.
I've shown the room to Ajay of course, and I've shown the photos to my sister. Both assure me that they actually like the brightness, and that I should just leave it. Ajay says once the furniture is in place and the rug is on the floor and the pictures on the walls that it won't be so bright. I'm skeptical. So here's a disclaimer...if you plan to be a house guest of ours, please bring your sunglasses and perhaps some tums or the stuff you take for sea sickness.
Here is the room before....
Here is the room with the walls done (before refinishing the floors and painting them white):
And here is the completed job:
Again, before:
And after:
And finally, here's the closet in progress:
You may be thinking, "maybe it's the lighting...it's probably not as bad as she thinks"...I assure you, it's not the lighting, and it is that bad!!!
I've shown the room to Ajay of course, and I've shown the photos to my sister. Both assure me that they actually like the brightness, and that I should just leave it. Ajay says once the furniture is in place and the rug is on the floor and the pictures on the walls that it won't be so bright. I'm skeptical. So here's a disclaimer...if you plan to be a house guest of ours, please bring your sunglasses and perhaps some tums or the stuff you take for sea sickness.
Here is the room before....
Here is the room with the walls done (before refinishing the floors and painting them white):
And here is the completed job:
Again, before:
And after:
And finally, here's the closet in progress:
You may be thinking, "maybe it's the lighting...it's probably not as bad as she thinks"...I assure you, it's not the lighting, and it is that bad!!!
Our house...again in progress
It's time for me to turn my attention elsewhere...I don't want my blog to become a big bag of downers that readers are afraid to check out for fear of me turning their happy day into a sad one. So without further ado, I'm focusing today on the progress we've made over the past couple of weeks with the painters.
As you might know, my home addition that consumed my life this past year added a media room to our house so we have the option of converting the old media room to a bedroom as our family grows. The last step to complete the project was to have the built-in below the TV painted...it was delivered in it's raw state.
Finally, we have paint! we have doors on the cabinet!
We have....need of an audio guy!!! I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to do about all those wires under there???
And just in case you're thinking Wow! The house looks completely done, here's a picture of what's going on behind the couch---I guess I am a master of deceit! (this is all the stuff that we removed from the nursery to make way for the painters...)
And here is the hallway leading to the baby's room...we painted the floor white so it would flow into the baby's room.
As you might know, my home addition that consumed my life this past year added a media room to our house so we have the option of converting the old media room to a bedroom as our family grows. The last step to complete the project was to have the built-in below the TV painted...it was delivered in it's raw state.
Finally, we have paint! we have doors on the cabinet!
We have....need of an audio guy!!! I mean, seriously, what am I supposed to do about all those wires under there???
And just in case you're thinking Wow! The house looks completely done, here's a picture of what's going on behind the couch---I guess I am a master of deceit! (this is all the stuff that we removed from the nursery to make way for the painters...)
And here is the hallway leading to the baby's room...we painted the floor white so it would flow into the baby's room.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Yesterday's ultrasound-20 week scan
While I was sitting at the computer yesterday, I felt somebody tapping me...in my tummy. Immediately I pulled up my shirt and looked to see if it would happen again, which it did. I felt a relief that maybe I'll start being able to feel her more and maybe this will ease my mind just a little bit.
Yesterday I had another ultrasound...my normal ultrasound stenographer wasn't there so I let her know to just focus on Alia, and not to show me Baby Boy. It's just too sad to see him in there floating around lifeless.
I pointed to the area where I felt Alia---at this point it's more of a hardness and maybe warmth that tells me where she is. That and I had already checked her heartbeat on the Doppler once before heading over.
She zeroed in on our little girl...she was very active...legs moving, arms moving, and actually in a head down position. Only four days ago she was completely the opposite, head up and feet down. The stenographer was a little surprised at just how active this little one was. Over and over she said she looked great. Everything looked perfect. She gave me a few fuzzy pictures of her to take home with me.
Then I felt the probe scanning over to the left side with no warning. I turned to face Ajay because I knew she was focusing in on Baby Boy. She asked if we knew why this happened, and continued to scan over his little body. When we told her they couldn't tell why it happened, she agreed and said that she couldn't see anything wrong either. Sad.
Yesterday I had another ultrasound...my normal ultrasound stenographer wasn't there so I let her know to just focus on Alia, and not to show me Baby Boy. It's just too sad to see him in there floating around lifeless.
I pointed to the area where I felt Alia---at this point it's more of a hardness and maybe warmth that tells me where she is. That and I had already checked her heartbeat on the Doppler once before heading over.
She zeroed in on our little girl...she was very active...legs moving, arms moving, and actually in a head down position. Only four days ago she was completely the opposite, head up and feet down. The stenographer was a little surprised at just how active this little one was. Over and over she said she looked great. Everything looked perfect. She gave me a few fuzzy pictures of her to take home with me.
Then I felt the probe scanning over to the left side with no warning. I turned to face Ajay because I knew she was focusing in on Baby Boy. She asked if we knew why this happened, and continued to scan over his little body. When we told her they couldn't tell why it happened, she agreed and said that she couldn't see anything wrong either. Sad.
Monday, March 10, 2008
20 weeks development
Here's what Babycenter.com has to say this week about how our little girl is doing in there....
How your baby's growing:
Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. She's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom, and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, we use measurements taken from the top of the baby's head to her bottom — known as the "crown to rump" measurement. After that, we use measurements from head to toe. This is because a baby's legs are curled up against her torso during the first half of pregnancy and are very hard to measure.)
A greasy white substance called vernix caseosa coats her entire body to protect her skin during its long submersion in amniotic fluid. (This slick coating also eases the journey down the birth canal.)
Your baby is swallowing more, which is good practice for her digestive system. She's also producing meconium, a black, sticky substance that's the result of cell loss, digestive secretion, and swallowed amniotic fluid. This meconium will accumulate in her bowels, and you'll see it in her first messy diaper (although a few babies pass it in utero or during delivery).
Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.
How your life's changing:
You've made it to the halfway mark — Congratulations! The top of your uterus is at the level of your belly button now, and you've likely gained about 10 pounds. Expect to gain an average of about another pound each week from now on. (If you started your pregnancy underweight, you may need to gain a bit more; if you were overweight, perhaps a bit less.) Make sure you're getting enough iron, a mineral that's used primarily to make hemoglobin (the part of your red blood cells that carries oxygen). During pregnancy, your body needs more iron for your developing baby and the placenta, and to keep up with your expanding blood volume. Iron-rich foods include lean red meat, poultry, fish, lentils and other legumes, spinach, and iron-fortified cereals.
How your baby's growing:
Your baby weighs about 10 1/2 ounces now. She's also around 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom, and about 10 inches from head to heel — the length of a banana. (For the first 20 weeks, we use measurements taken from the top of the baby's head to her bottom — known as the "crown to rump" measurement. After that, we use measurements from head to toe. This is because a baby's legs are curled up against her torso during the first half of pregnancy and are very hard to measure.)
A greasy white substance called vernix caseosa coats her entire body to protect her skin during its long submersion in amniotic fluid. (This slick coating also eases the journey down the birth canal.)
Your baby is swallowing more, which is good practice for her digestive system. She's also producing meconium, a black, sticky substance that's the result of cell loss, digestive secretion, and swallowed amniotic fluid. This meconium will accumulate in her bowels, and you'll see it in her first messy diaper (although a few babies pass it in utero or during delivery).
Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.
How your life's changing:
You've made it to the halfway mark — Congratulations! The top of your uterus is at the level of your belly button now, and you've likely gained about 10 pounds. Expect to gain an average of about another pound each week from now on. (If you started your pregnancy underweight, you may need to gain a bit more; if you were overweight, perhaps a bit less.) Make sure you're getting enough iron, a mineral that's used primarily to make hemoglobin (the part of your red blood cells that carries oxygen). During pregnancy, your body needs more iron for your developing baby and the placenta, and to keep up with your expanding blood volume. Iron-rich foods include lean red meat, poultry, fish, lentils and other legumes, spinach, and iron-fortified cereals.
Shades of Gray
When I was at the doctor last week, one of my questions was how do I regulate my pregnancy from here. I had carefully watched my weight, and was doing a good job of staying on course for a twin-pregnancy weight gain....typically women will gain 40-60 pounds. At my halfway mark, I had gained about 15 pounds.
But now I have a singleton pregnancy. And according to what I've read, I should gain between 25 and 30 pounds. Which means I'm more half way there on weight gain, and usually the majority of the weight gain comes in the late 2nd or 3rd trimesters. I also look much bigger than your typical 20 week pregnancy. I look like I'm 7 months pregnant...but I still have a long way to go.
So I asked Dr. K how to best proceed from here. I don't want to diet while I'm pregnant, obviously, but I don't want to have to lose 60 pounds after having my little baby either. I also mentioned that before, my belly was round and really hard, and now it feels more flabby and just stretched out. When will it be a hard basketball again? I'm in an in-between spot with no guidelines; it seems that no one has written the sad book called "I was pregnant with twins, but now I'm not...what next?".
Dr. K said that I don't need to give it any thought...at all. She said I probably won't do much growing between now and 28 weeks; as Baby Boy is resorbed, Alia will take his space. So basically right now my stomach is feeling loose and pre-stretched for her upcoming months' growth. I'll have my hard basketball tummy again in no time. On the weight gain side, again, she said not to be concerned. She said my body will even itself out.
I still feel a little alien...like I don't quite fit in to either category of pregnancy. While we were in L.A. this weekend, I bought a Bella Band, recommended to me by the prenatal yoga instructor for support. On the package, it showed the different stages of pregnancy and how the product could be used. The packaging showed 4 women...one at 18 weeks, one at 25 weeks, one at full term, and one post-partem. Beneath the 18 week pregnancy, it said to use Bella Band with your regular pre-pregnancy jeans---just leave them unbuttoned and wear the band for closure in the front. Ummm, yeah, right...I haven't worn my pre-pregnancy jeans since....before IVF!!! And then below the woman at 25 weeks, is says to use Bella Band for those too loose maternity jeans. Ummm, hello? I'm already thinking I might outgrow my maternity jeans...and I'm 20 weeks.
But under closer analysis, I'm realizing that I haven't just gone from a twin pregnancy to a single pregnancy overnight like my mind seems desperate to adapt to. I've gone from a vital twin pregnancy to a 1/2 vital twin pregnancy. I'm still carrying around two babies, two amniotic sacs, and a uterus big enough for two. This isn't a black-or-white, this-or-that situation. My mind struggles with being in this new shade of gray...the in-between. My mind looks for a new defined space to reside, a new label to put on my situation; it wants to belong somewhere other than than this sad place. Maybe it's an escape mechanism---maybe my mind finds where I'm at too painful and alien, so it's searching for a new place to land. So really, it makes sense to want to begin identifying with the parameters of a singleton pregnancy...it's unfortunately just not a reality with regard to my size and weight right now.
But now I have a singleton pregnancy. And according to what I've read, I should gain between 25 and 30 pounds. Which means I'm more half way there on weight gain, and usually the majority of the weight gain comes in the late 2nd or 3rd trimesters. I also look much bigger than your typical 20 week pregnancy. I look like I'm 7 months pregnant...but I still have a long way to go.
So I asked Dr. K how to best proceed from here. I don't want to diet while I'm pregnant, obviously, but I don't want to have to lose 60 pounds after having my little baby either. I also mentioned that before, my belly was round and really hard, and now it feels more flabby and just stretched out. When will it be a hard basketball again? I'm in an in-between spot with no guidelines; it seems that no one has written the sad book called "I was pregnant with twins, but now I'm not...what next?".
Dr. K said that I don't need to give it any thought...at all. She said I probably won't do much growing between now and 28 weeks; as Baby Boy is resorbed, Alia will take his space. So basically right now my stomach is feeling loose and pre-stretched for her upcoming months' growth. I'll have my hard basketball tummy again in no time. On the weight gain side, again, she said not to be concerned. She said my body will even itself out.
I still feel a little alien...like I don't quite fit in to either category of pregnancy. While we were in L.A. this weekend, I bought a Bella Band, recommended to me by the prenatal yoga instructor for support. On the package, it showed the different stages of pregnancy and how the product could be used. The packaging showed 4 women...one at 18 weeks, one at 25 weeks, one at full term, and one post-partem. Beneath the 18 week pregnancy, it said to use Bella Band with your regular pre-pregnancy jeans---just leave them unbuttoned and wear the band for closure in the front. Ummm, yeah, right...I haven't worn my pre-pregnancy jeans since....before IVF!!! And then below the woman at 25 weeks, is says to use Bella Band for those too loose maternity jeans. Ummm, hello? I'm already thinking I might outgrow my maternity jeans...and I'm 20 weeks.
But under closer analysis, I'm realizing that I haven't just gone from a twin pregnancy to a single pregnancy overnight like my mind seems desperate to adapt to. I've gone from a vital twin pregnancy to a 1/2 vital twin pregnancy. I'm still carrying around two babies, two amniotic sacs, and a uterus big enough for two. This isn't a black-or-white, this-or-that situation. My mind struggles with being in this new shade of gray...the in-between. My mind looks for a new defined space to reside, a new label to put on my situation; it wants to belong somewhere other than than this sad place. Maybe it's an escape mechanism---maybe my mind finds where I'm at too painful and alien, so it's searching for a new place to land. So really, it makes sense to want to begin identifying with the parameters of a singleton pregnancy...it's unfortunately just not a reality with regard to my size and weight right now.
My New Addiction
Last week, Ajay ran into my OB, Dr. K at the hospital. He told her that I had been having anxiety about our baby girl...a reasonable thing. She recommended getting an at-home Doppler so we'd be able to listen to Alia's heartbeat at home; when Ajay got home from work, he ordered one from a home health company. It should arrive in a week.
I had my first OB appointment since the 19 week scan. I had an appointment with my obstetrician, but didn't have an actual appointment for an ultrasound. More than anything, I just wanted to see my little girl in there.
Everybody in the office was so nice...they created a little time for me to squeeze in for an ultrasound so I could see little Alia. As we walked in the room, Ajay told the stenographer that I wanted to see our little girl, but please just focus on her...it's just too sad to look at our little guy.
When she gave me the okay, I looked at the screen and saw our little girl kicking away. She was facing us, so it looked like she was looking right back at us. The stenographer told us I have an anterior placenta, meaning it's located between the baby and my abdominal wall, and that explains why I don't feel her kicking yet. She says in another few weeks, I'll miss the peace of not feeling it.
As we left the appointment, Dr. K sent me home with her own personal Doppler to take home for the weekend while we waited for ours to arrive...talk about the nicest doctor ever. As she gave it to me, she recommended trying to listen once a day...don't go too crazy. I kind of took her advise...I've been listening three times a day to Alia's heartbeat...once when I get up, once in the afternoon, and once before bed. I feel happy hearing her heartbeat.
I had my first OB appointment since the 19 week scan. I had an appointment with my obstetrician, but didn't have an actual appointment for an ultrasound. More than anything, I just wanted to see my little girl in there.
Everybody in the office was so nice...they created a little time for me to squeeze in for an ultrasound so I could see little Alia. As we walked in the room, Ajay told the stenographer that I wanted to see our little girl, but please just focus on her...it's just too sad to look at our little guy.
When she gave me the okay, I looked at the screen and saw our little girl kicking away. She was facing us, so it looked like she was looking right back at us. The stenographer told us I have an anterior placenta, meaning it's located between the baby and my abdominal wall, and that explains why I don't feel her kicking yet. She says in another few weeks, I'll miss the peace of not feeling it.
As we left the appointment, Dr. K sent me home with her own personal Doppler to take home for the weekend while we waited for ours to arrive...talk about the nicest doctor ever. As she gave it to me, she recommended trying to listen once a day...don't go too crazy. I kind of took her advise...I've been listening three times a day to Alia's heartbeat...once when I get up, once in the afternoon, and once before bed. I feel happy hearing her heartbeat.
Friday, March 7, 2008
Another day down
Today Ajay's secretary was able to get his shift at the hospital covered, so we decided to mix business with pleasure and spend the day in L.A. Before we lost Baby Boy, we had bought a double stroller while we were in the city for my birthday. I wanted to return it before it was too late, and I also wanted it out of the house, to reduce the reminders that seem to be everywhere. I looked forward to spending the day together; Ajay made a reservation for lunch at Luques, one of our favorite restaurants, so we both looked forward to the little day trip.
As I got ready, I thought about maybe heading over to Melrose after lunch and checking out some shops. Or maybe we head over to Robinson...or we could walk around Rodeo Drive after lunch. We had a whole free day together so I tried to focus my mind on the positives. It was sunny, warm, and the perfect day to get out the house and occupy our minds with something else.
As we were getting ready to go, I saw Ajay carrying the big box with the photograph of the stroller on the front to the trunk. Within seconds, all my hopeful, positive thoughts had vanished and I was in tears. And not just a few...actual boo-hooing. The switch in emotion and feeling was shocking. One moment I was looking at the sky and thinking it would be a nice day for a drive. And the next reaching for tissues. The reminder that we were in the middle of the process of letting go of much more than a stroller had punched me in the face out of nowhere.
After getting a grip, we headed out. The drive up to Los Angeles was easy, and we figured we'd take care of business first. Once we got to the store, again, Ajay pulled the double stroller out of the trunk, and this time I managed to keep my mind on the task at hand. Ajay said he'd take care of the transaction if I wanted to look around for a single stroller. While I was fine with looking, I'm nowhere near buying anything again. I still have a lot of anxiety about losing our little girl.
As I got ready, I thought about maybe heading over to Melrose after lunch and checking out some shops. Or maybe we head over to Robinson...or we could walk around Rodeo Drive after lunch. We had a whole free day together so I tried to focus my mind on the positives. It was sunny, warm, and the perfect day to get out the house and occupy our minds with something else.
As we were getting ready to go, I saw Ajay carrying the big box with the photograph of the stroller on the front to the trunk. Within seconds, all my hopeful, positive thoughts had vanished and I was in tears. And not just a few...actual boo-hooing. The switch in emotion and feeling was shocking. One moment I was looking at the sky and thinking it would be a nice day for a drive. And the next reaching for tissues. The reminder that we were in the middle of the process of letting go of much more than a stroller had punched me in the face out of nowhere.
After getting a grip, we headed out. The drive up to Los Angeles was easy, and we figured we'd take care of business first. Once we got to the store, again, Ajay pulled the double stroller out of the trunk, and this time I managed to keep my mind on the task at hand. Ajay said he'd take care of the transaction if I wanted to look around for a single stroller. While I was fine with looking, I'm nowhere near buying anything again. I still have a lot of anxiety about losing our little girl.
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
Anger
It's not fair.
I followed the letter of the law on bed rest after my IVF transfer. I didn't shower for those 3 days because my doctor said not to. I didn't leave the house for a week after the transfer because she told me not to. I gave up my exercise regimen and followed the modified bed rest routine for 12 more weeks. I gave up alcohol. I drank water instead of Diet soda. I switched from regular to 1/2 caff and limited myself to one cup like the doctor said. I added 2 hours of extra sleep to my nightly routine. I gave up Advil. I suffered through migraines. I gave up sushi altogether, and ate fish once a week or less to avoid mercury poisoning, like the doctor said. I ate throughout the day so my babies never experienced sugar highs and lows. I gave up flying. I don't do drugs. We gave up having sex for the first trimester because the doctor told us to. I had my blood drawn and tested at least 40 times since the beginning of my pregnancy---they tested me for everything under the sun. I took prescription iron supplements in addition to my daily prenatal vitamin. I added a calcium supplement just to be sure. I never missed a doctor's appointment. I gave up my skin care regimen. I can't think of a single thing that I didn't choose to do for my babies...I can't think of a single risk I took.
During the scan, Dr. A told me that short of doing a bucket of cocaine, there was nothing I could have done to cause this. Well, the day after we found out about our loss, wouldn't you know that Ajay's first patient of the day on Labor and Delivery was there because she did do a bucket of cocaine the night before and had caused a placental tear...the baby would have to be delivered at 8 months rather than 9...but even this baby would make it. And her Mom did a bucket of cocaine while pregnant. And this Mom doesn't have to experience the loss of her child?
And what about the lesser offenders? What about Mom's that go on smoking? That have that occasional drink? The ones that justify eating sushi, or flying in the last trimester? What about the ones that just don't pay attention to what the doctors are telling them? I know that no one thinks it will happen to them, and frankly, it probably won't...but it's still not fair. Women choose their own selfish desires over the safety of their babies, and they don't have to experience the loss of their baby?
Yes, I get it. Life isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. I know all that. But it doesn't take away the sting of knowing that I'm in pain and tried really really hard to do everything right. This is my anger talking....noticing the unfairness like a child. I am smarter than this, I am more experienced than this, and I've coped with some pretty painful stuff. But a loss of this magnitude sends me right back here to the anger and unfairness of it all.
I followed the letter of the law on bed rest after my IVF transfer. I didn't shower for those 3 days because my doctor said not to. I didn't leave the house for a week after the transfer because she told me not to. I gave up my exercise regimen and followed the modified bed rest routine for 12 more weeks. I gave up alcohol. I drank water instead of Diet soda. I switched from regular to 1/2 caff and limited myself to one cup like the doctor said. I added 2 hours of extra sleep to my nightly routine. I gave up Advil. I suffered through migraines. I gave up sushi altogether, and ate fish once a week or less to avoid mercury poisoning, like the doctor said. I ate throughout the day so my babies never experienced sugar highs and lows. I gave up flying. I don't do drugs. We gave up having sex for the first trimester because the doctor told us to. I had my blood drawn and tested at least 40 times since the beginning of my pregnancy---they tested me for everything under the sun. I took prescription iron supplements in addition to my daily prenatal vitamin. I added a calcium supplement just to be sure. I never missed a doctor's appointment. I gave up my skin care regimen. I can't think of a single thing that I didn't choose to do for my babies...I can't think of a single risk I took.
During the scan, Dr. A told me that short of doing a bucket of cocaine, there was nothing I could have done to cause this. Well, the day after we found out about our loss, wouldn't you know that Ajay's first patient of the day on Labor and Delivery was there because she did do a bucket of cocaine the night before and had caused a placental tear...the baby would have to be delivered at 8 months rather than 9...but even this baby would make it. And her Mom did a bucket of cocaine while pregnant. And this Mom doesn't have to experience the loss of her child?
And what about the lesser offenders? What about Mom's that go on smoking? That have that occasional drink? The ones that justify eating sushi, or flying in the last trimester? What about the ones that just don't pay attention to what the doctors are telling them? I know that no one thinks it will happen to them, and frankly, it probably won't...but it's still not fair. Women choose their own selfish desires over the safety of their babies, and they don't have to experience the loss of their baby?
Yes, I get it. Life isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. I know all that. But it doesn't take away the sting of knowing that I'm in pain and tried really really hard to do everything right. This is my anger talking....noticing the unfairness like a child. I am smarter than this, I am more experienced than this, and I've coped with some pretty painful stuff. But a loss of this magnitude sends me right back here to the anger and unfairness of it all.
Coping
It's a really weird thing. I woke up today feeling better...I got some sleep last night. Ajay found some one to cover his shift today at the hospital so he's off today...he got up and decided to go to a yoga class. He's trying to do healthy things for himself. He's so sad---and that made me feel awful for being just a little bit better today...like I'm not supposed to feel better....like my grief is supposed to match his.
But not to fear---within an hour the "better" feeling faded and I turned sad again. I think I might be on this roller coaster for awhile. We've told our family and friends. I'm really hoping that I don't hear anything close to "well, Jesus just thought it was his time" from the crazy Christian brood out there, because that is not comforting...I don't care that it is supposed to be...it's not.
My mind wanders....I've thought okay, we'll just have twins the next time...but that's so unfair to Alia. She was the one that was supposed to have a twin...to have twins after her wouldn't provide her with companionship nearly as much as a single baby would, because twins tend to keep to themselves. And then there's fact that Ajay wanted to stick to 2 kids...so here I am being selfish...feeling like, but I wanted twins! I really fell in love with the idea of them having instant companionship and life long friendship. Everything about having the little twins had become what I anticipated having in my heart. I feel like I'm not only grieving the loss of Baby Boy, but also the loss of what he would mean---twins, instant family of four, never having to go through infertility again, having that chapter behind us, having a little dude to spice things up, needing a no rough-housing in the house rule....all those things that your mind just creates. I imagined them wearing matching little plain white onesies (not that I'd dress them alike on purpose) in their cribs, sitting up looking at each other and reaching for each other. But now there's a whole new picture to create...unfortunately there's that lag time where you have to re-teach your mind...it doesn't just shut off what it's been programming itself to think.
Today my painters are here painting the nursery...I've had previously decided on a 70's yellowish green, and they're painting the inside of the closet yellowish orange. But now that the paint is going on the walls, I wonder...should I make it more of a girl's room now? Or is the unisex thing still okay. All these things just racing around in my head...coming to terms with the new reality is exhausting.
But not to fear---within an hour the "better" feeling faded and I turned sad again. I think I might be on this roller coaster for awhile. We've told our family and friends. I'm really hoping that I don't hear anything close to "well, Jesus just thought it was his time" from the crazy Christian brood out there, because that is not comforting...I don't care that it is supposed to be...it's not.
My mind wanders....I've thought okay, we'll just have twins the next time...but that's so unfair to Alia. She was the one that was supposed to have a twin...to have twins after her wouldn't provide her with companionship nearly as much as a single baby would, because twins tend to keep to themselves. And then there's fact that Ajay wanted to stick to 2 kids...so here I am being selfish...feeling like, but I wanted twins! I really fell in love with the idea of them having instant companionship and life long friendship. Everything about having the little twins had become what I anticipated having in my heart. I feel like I'm not only grieving the loss of Baby Boy, but also the loss of what he would mean---twins, instant family of four, never having to go through infertility again, having that chapter behind us, having a little dude to spice things up, needing a no rough-housing in the house rule....all those things that your mind just creates. I imagined them wearing matching little plain white onesies (not that I'd dress them alike on purpose) in their cribs, sitting up looking at each other and reaching for each other. But now there's a whole new picture to create...unfortunately there's that lag time where you have to re-teach your mind...it doesn't just shut off what it's been programming itself to think.
Today my painters are here painting the nursery...I've had previously decided on a 70's yellowish green, and they're painting the inside of the closet yellowish orange. But now that the paint is going on the walls, I wonder...should I make it more of a girl's room now? Or is the unisex thing still okay. All these things just racing around in my head...coming to terms with the new reality is exhausting.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Anatomy scan
It's been about 24 hours since my ultrasound yesterday. We had our 20 week anatomy scan. Ajay got someone to relieve him at the hospital so he could join me...he wasn't able to attend our last big scan at 12 weeks, and I really wanted him to be able to experience all the little movements and hiccups and dances that the twins have been doing for awhile now.
First they checked my cervix....everything's a-okay at 5 cm. Looks like everything's snug as a bug. Then changing gears, the stenographer began scanning back and forth as I chatted away happily as my babies appeared on the screen. She scanned them both back and forth, and being high on babies, I didn't pay really close attention. Then she said the words..."I've got bad news for you". This is when my outer body experience began. She went on to tell us that Baby B, our little boy, didn't have a heartbeat. He had taken on fluid. He had died.
The stenographer asked the last time I had seen his heartbeat. I couldn't even comprehend that she was speaking to me, let alone was asking me for information...I struggled to find the answer...not that long ago...just the other week...maybe two weeks ago? Yes, it was on February 21, my birthday. He looked fine on my birthday.
She continued to scan Alia, our little girl. Her heart was beating away at 143 beats per minute, basically the same as it always was. She measured her leg bones, arm bones, scanned her organs, and projected her weight. She looked great. The stenographer told me Dr. A would be in shortly to discuss this more.
As she left, the tears that I had somehow managed to hold in began to flow. Ajay stood up and came over to the table and held my hand and tried to comfort me but it was all just too much. I couldn't believe this was happening...it was surreal. I began to think about the flu I had come down with last week and the antibiotics I had taken for the resulting sinus and ear infection, the accidental diet Sprite I had, the Tylenol I had taken to help with the misery of the flu symptoms. I thought of all the things that I thought I had done wrong and asked Ajay, "did I do this? is this my fault? did my flu kill him? Did the medicine kill him? how is this happening? Yesterday I just figured out that I'm half way to my 38 week projected due date...this isn't supposed to happen now." Ajay shook his head and reassured me that I didn't cause this.
Dr. A entered...he works at the hospital with Ajay. They shook hands, introduced himself to me, and apologized. He scanned our baby boy, and located a sac of water collecting around his brain and spinal cord. He said based on what he was seeing he died a couple of days before...March 1. I kept waiting for it to be a mistake. I kept looking at his little body hoping for a heartbeat or hoping for any type of movement. I hoped and hoped that this wasn't going to end this way. But it did.
Dr. A went on to tell me that at this stage, there was no real way of telling what went wrong. Maybe a clot in the cord. Maybe something wrong with the placenta. Maybe his heart wasn't strong enough. I asked him if I caused this...I've been sick and took antibiotics...I took Sudafed sparingly, just like the doctor said. I asked him if it was my fault. He told me that I couldn't think that for a moment. Short of doing a bucket of cocaine, there was no way I could have caused this. No way. I asked him if the cord had clotted, could that have been because I lied on it? Again, he told me to stop thinking that way, and there was no way.
He continued the scan by focusing on Alia...he assured us that she looked good. She didn't fully cooperate, though, and he couldn't get a good look at her face...we'd have to check back in 3 weeks to make sure that her face had fused properly.
In the end, I asked Dr. A what next...do they take Baby Boy out? what happens to him? He told me that my body would eventually resorb most of him....but no, they don't remove him. By the time Alia is delivered, he will be an unrecognizable mass. Poor little Baby Boy.
I thought about so many things at once as we were walking to the car...I decided to leave my car at the hospital and ride home with Ajay. I thought maybe it's because we didn't come up with a name for him. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something when I ordered 2 infant car seats and only one arrived....or when I ordered two cribs and they were back ordered until March 28th. Could I have seen this coming? How much shock can a person take? How do you get past something like this?
First they checked my cervix....everything's a-okay at 5 cm. Looks like everything's snug as a bug. Then changing gears, the stenographer began scanning back and forth as I chatted away happily as my babies appeared on the screen. She scanned them both back and forth, and being high on babies, I didn't pay really close attention. Then she said the words..."I've got bad news for you". This is when my outer body experience began. She went on to tell us that Baby B, our little boy, didn't have a heartbeat. He had taken on fluid. He had died.
The stenographer asked the last time I had seen his heartbeat. I couldn't even comprehend that she was speaking to me, let alone was asking me for information...I struggled to find the answer...not that long ago...just the other week...maybe two weeks ago? Yes, it was on February 21, my birthday. He looked fine on my birthday.
She continued to scan Alia, our little girl. Her heart was beating away at 143 beats per minute, basically the same as it always was. She measured her leg bones, arm bones, scanned her organs, and projected her weight. She looked great. The stenographer told me Dr. A would be in shortly to discuss this more.
As she left, the tears that I had somehow managed to hold in began to flow. Ajay stood up and came over to the table and held my hand and tried to comfort me but it was all just too much. I couldn't believe this was happening...it was surreal. I began to think about the flu I had come down with last week and the antibiotics I had taken for the resulting sinus and ear infection, the accidental diet Sprite I had, the Tylenol I had taken to help with the misery of the flu symptoms. I thought of all the things that I thought I had done wrong and asked Ajay, "did I do this? is this my fault? did my flu kill him? Did the medicine kill him? how is this happening? Yesterday I just figured out that I'm half way to my 38 week projected due date...this isn't supposed to happen now." Ajay shook his head and reassured me that I didn't cause this.
Dr. A entered...he works at the hospital with Ajay. They shook hands, introduced himself to me, and apologized. He scanned our baby boy, and located a sac of water collecting around his brain and spinal cord. He said based on what he was seeing he died a couple of days before...March 1. I kept waiting for it to be a mistake. I kept looking at his little body hoping for a heartbeat or hoping for any type of movement. I hoped and hoped that this wasn't going to end this way. But it did.
Dr. A went on to tell me that at this stage, there was no real way of telling what went wrong. Maybe a clot in the cord. Maybe something wrong with the placenta. Maybe his heart wasn't strong enough. I asked him if I caused this...I've been sick and took antibiotics...I took Sudafed sparingly, just like the doctor said. I asked him if it was my fault. He told me that I couldn't think that for a moment. Short of doing a bucket of cocaine, there was no way I could have caused this. No way. I asked him if the cord had clotted, could that have been because I lied on it? Again, he told me to stop thinking that way, and there was no way.
He continued the scan by focusing on Alia...he assured us that she looked good. She didn't fully cooperate, though, and he couldn't get a good look at her face...we'd have to check back in 3 weeks to make sure that her face had fused properly.
In the end, I asked Dr. A what next...do they take Baby Boy out? what happens to him? He told me that my body would eventually resorb most of him....but no, they don't remove him. By the time Alia is delivered, he will be an unrecognizable mass. Poor little Baby Boy.
I thought about so many things at once as we were walking to the car...I decided to leave my car at the hospital and ride home with Ajay. I thought maybe it's because we didn't come up with a name for him. Maybe the universe was trying to tell me something when I ordered 2 infant car seats and only one arrived....or when I ordered two cribs and they were back ordered until March 28th. Could I have seen this coming? How much shock can a person take? How do you get past something like this?
Monday, March 3, 2008
19 weeks development
Here's what BabyCenter has to say about 19 weeks....
Our babies weigh about 8 1/2 ounces, and they measure 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. Their arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of their bodies now. Their kidneys continue to make urine, and the hair on their scalp is sprouting. This is a crucial time for sensory development: our baby's brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Alia has an astonishing 6 million eggs in her ovaries. They'll dwindle to fewer than two million by the time she's born.
BabyCenter also reminded me that I'm just a week shy of being half way there. Then I realized...hang on...these babies are coming out at 38 weeks...that means I AM half way there! Woooohoooooo!
Our babies weigh about 8 1/2 ounces, and they measure 6 inches, head to bottom — about the size of a large heirloom tomato. Their arms and legs are in the right proportions to each other and the rest of their bodies now. Their kidneys continue to make urine, and the hair on their scalp is sprouting. This is a crucial time for sensory development: our baby's brain is designating specialized areas for smell, taste, hearing, vision, and touch. Alia has an astonishing 6 million eggs in her ovaries. They'll dwindle to fewer than two million by the time she's born.
BabyCenter also reminded me that I'm just a week shy of being half way there. Then I realized...hang on...these babies are coming out at 38 weeks...that means I AM half way there! Woooohoooooo!
Saturday, March 1, 2008
Sara Silverman and Matt Damon
I don't typically post too many You Tube videos on my blog, but thought that these were worth posting.
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And what kind of person would I be if I didn't let you, dear readers, have both sides of the story. Here's what Jimmy has to say about that:
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And what kind of person would I be if I didn't let you, dear readers, have both sides of the story. Here's what Jimmy has to say about that:
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