Hillary and the Democratic Convention

Last night Ajay and I tuned in to the second night of the Democratic National Convention. Ajay is a liberal democrat, and I'm independent when it comes to political parties (and I like to think outside of political parties, too). Both of us were interested to see to what degree Hillary would back Obama's nomination.

Before watching the convention, I had been online shopping for Alia's Halloween costume. Our fertility doctor has a Halloween party every year for all the little ones that she helped to bring into the world, and unlike my own Halloween costumes that are consistently left to the last minute and scraped together, I wanted Alia's costume to be chosen rather than sorting through what everyone else didn't want.

At this point, there are so many cute costumes to choose from. After looking through hundreds...well, maybe not hundreds, but quite a few baby costumes, I decided this one was the cutest for Alia....

Okay, what does this have to do with the Democratic National Convention? Patience, friends, patience. But isn't this the perfect segue back the the Democratic National Convention?

So we're watching the convention, and after much speculation and commentary, Hillary enters the jam packed stadium. She looks great...only, what's with the orange pant suit? I mean, we all know by now to expect nothing but pant suits from Hillary, but orange? Now, know that this critique is coming from a person who cannot, I repeat, cannot wear orange, so for me, orange is never an option...so perhaps this is why my mind immediately challenged the choice. But also, having spent all day looking at Halloween costumes, rather than this....

I saw this....

So I told Ajay that I had seen a much cuter suit than the one Hillary was wearing, but considering it was a pumpkin outfit maybe she wouldn't be taken seriously enough...

...which lead me to another alternative...Alia's costume...she totally should have worn the elephant outfit!!! And then I couldn't get the image out of my head, and laughed through her entire speech and missed the whole thing!

Booger Management

This morning I was sitting with Alia facing me on my lap, leaning against my thighs and knees. Looking at my little beautiful girl, I heard a whistling coming from her teeny tiny button nose. I investigated...and to my dismay, my poor little girl had quite the booger-filled nose...on the right side it was completely packed shut with boogers.

So, me being me, I had to see what I could do to make this better...poor little girl! But what could I do...it's not like I could blow her nose for her, right?

Then I thought of the handy dandy bulb syringe in my Safety Kit. I had seen nurses used this handy little tool while still in the hospital to clear spit up out of Alia's mouth. So I squeezed the bulb, put the tip in Little Miss's nose, and schluuuuuurp!!! out came a bucket full of boogers. 

The look on Alia's face was beyond hilarious...it was full of emotion, confusion, thought, panic, relief, and an overall "what the hell?" But then a hint of a little smile crept out and turned into a full smile. The whistling sound from her nose was gone... she could breathe again. What a good day for both of us!

Heaven

This weekend, Ajay was first call on Saturday, which meant he went in on Saturday morning for a 7:30 AM  case and didn't come home until the following morning at 7:30. This was the end to his first week back to work after having three weeks off... not quite the "welcome back" one would hope for, right?

Earlier in the week, Ajay had reminded me to take care of myself in addition to taking care of Alia. While I was thinking to myself "what? I think I took a shower most of the days this week, and I'm pretty sure my clothes are clean...or cleanish", Ajay went on to say that I needed to make sure that I find a little bit of time for myself.  After thinking about it a little more, I replied with "maybe I could get my nails done when you're home next?"

So Sunday morning, Ajay got back from the hospital and reminded me that I should go get my nails done like I wanted to. After many "are you sure?s" and "I don't have to go today..." Ajay assured me that I should go and take a few hours for myself.

I went up to the nail salon near my local Trader Joe's  thinking I could make the most out of my outing and drop by and pick up groceries on the way back. When I entered, I picked my color for my nails and toes very carefully, thinking this might be the last manicure I get....ever. Then, off to the big massage chair. I soaked my feet....ahhhhhh. They filed my nails....ahhhhhh. Then they asked if I would like the "Luxury Spa Package"....why....of course I would!!! A minty mask for my hands and feet plus exfoliation plus paraffin? How could I live without that? And then they asked "would you like shoulder massage?" Hmmmm, let me think...hell yes I would like shoulder massage...I want two shoulder massage!!!!

So when all was said and done, my little manicure had turned into nearly two hours of rubbing, scrubbing, massaging, de-callousing, and overall mental pampering. Never had I appreciated a mani-pedi so much. I felt like a new woman. It was the first time I had all to myself without one ear listening for Alia's cries in almost 6 weeks....what a wonderful day.

One Month Later...

Yesterday marked one month that Alia's been a part of our lives. It seems like yesterday that I went to the hospital to have her, but it also seems like she's always been a part of our lives.

In the last month I've really learned a lot. First, I've learned a lot of things about myself. Before having Alia, I didn't know what kind of Mom I could expect myself to be. I've always hoped that I could be patient, loving, sweet, and understanding. I've wanted to be empathetic, sympathetic, supportive and kind. 

These things stand out because they are things that I didn't always feel from my Mom growing up. She was a very young parent with all the limitations associated with that, and while my Mom took great care of us...we never missed a dentist appointment or doctor's appointment, and always made sure that we could bring a snack on our birthday for all of our classmates, I felt that she didn't have much in the patience area by the time I came around. Again, we're talking about a lady who had 3 kids by the time she was 26, and I was the last of them...no wonder she was maxed out. And the reason I bring this up isn't resentment or to point out shortcomings that may or may not be only my perception. I bring it up because I've focused on wanting to be more of a soft spot to land for my own children. And although we've only had Alia in our lives for a month, I've found that so far, my role as a parent is whatever I want it to be. 

I've always heard that we turn into our parents. I suppose in some way I've been afraid of that. And again, that's not to say that my parents were bad parents...I just think as an adult with a new child, I'd be completely alone in my peers if I didn't reflect on what I'd like to do better.  

I've learned that I get to choose who I will be to my daughter. I can be all the things I want to be...it's my choice. I've learned that when it comes to this new little helpless and completely dependant little person, I can find sweetness to respond to her cries with, no matter what time of night it is or how little sleep I've had. 

I have learned that I really don't need 8 hours of sleep a night, preferably 9. I've learned that my cleaning lady is completely capable of changing the sheets on our bed, and that it's not the end of the world that she doesn't understand the importance of using fabric softener. I've learned that there are a lot of things can be delegated, and it's not the end of the world if some one brings home the wrong kind of milk. I've learned that a clean kitchen is still and will probably always be a non-negotiable for me; but it might be 8 PM before I can get around to making everything to my liking. I've learned that my husband is pretty great when it comes to our new BBQ grill. I've learned that make up is not a requirement; it is a luxury. I've learned when in doubt, brush your teeth...you may have done it this morning when you got up, but that might have been yesterday that you're remembering. I've learned to make the full pot of coffee rather than 6 or 8 cups...you never know when a little re-heated coffee or iced coffee will come in handy.

Regarding Alia, I've learned a lot about her in a month, too! I've already mentioned that she hates to have a dirty diaper changed, but doesn't mind a pee-pee diaper change. She likes her hair washed but hates baths. She has a primal need to have her hands near her face and something to suck on. Alia is a very cuddly girl. She can be wide awake and fussy and resisting a nap, and then if she's placed on my chest on her belly, she'll fall right to sleep (sometimes:)). Alia has a very intense little scowl when she's trying to figure things out. Alia has very limited patience when it comes to feeding time...if she wakes up, there better be a plan or a bottle very nearby! Alia doesn't like her feet or legs covered or swaddled...no matter that they feel cool to the touch. I used to think she was just active and the blankets got kicked off by accident but now I know better. 

Our little baby is changing so fast. I noticed yesterday that she is developing the typical baby double chin. Her little thighs that were once tiny like little insect legs are now becoming chunkier. She's turning into a real baby! 

I have mixed feelings about this transition from newborn floppy baby to the more chunky Gerber baby...as if my mind has grasped just how fast these changes have happened and is trying to warn me to drink every drop of this time with her because before we know it she'll need her own gas card and postage for her college applications!

Over the last month, I feel like I've grown more and learned more than any prior month.....ever. Learning to care for a baby and learning that the reason I'm here is to care for our next generation is a huge thing to really comprehend. It's been an amazing month.

The Photo Shoot Collection

Okay, without further delay, here's the link from Alia's 3 Week photo shoot...

If that doesn't work for you, cut and paste the address below...

www.rebecairenephotography.com/logon/Lalvani/

Hope you enjoy them as much as I did! Oh, and if you're on a Mac, you may not be able to see the slide show...sorry! Haven't figured out why! Oh, and also, this slide show is only hosted for 10 more days so don't delay!

Damn you, boobies!

Yesterday, on Ajay's first day back to work and my first day caring for Alia on my own, I made a mental note to self that maybe I should try to get Alia to latch on again...I hadn't tried in a week or so, and now that I'm on my own during the day, pumping is just a whole lot more work than I realized when I had an extra set of reliable hands. With Ajay back to work, cleaning all the pump pieces and bottles in addition to the pumping itself and feeding Alia is very labor intensive and time consuming. And if she would just latch on...I could enjoy all the lovely bonding benefits of breast feeding in addition to the decrease in workload!

Then, late in the afternoon, I felt it happening again...engorged boobs. Great. It felt like both boobs were in a vice. I put warm compresses on them (which, here's a hint for anyone needing a quick warm compress...put wet and wrung-out wash cloths in the microwave for 40 seconds...voila....warm compress!). I pumped. And to my dismay, not much came out. Which means not only was there no relief of the pressure in my boobs, but the pain of pumping engorged breasts was enough to send me to tears while pumping.

The day went on, and the engorgement didn't let up. I tried everything they told me to do while I was in the hospital the first time I was engorged...I iced after pumping, I heated before pumping, I massaged both breasts before beginning pumping. Nothing helped. And the pain continued to get worse. At one point, I looked at these boobs and saw visible lumps where the ducts were backing up. Total misery. And just when I thought it couldn't get worse...I realized mastitis had set in....an infection related to backed-up milk ducts which leads to even more pain, fever, chills and sweating.  And I thought the pain was pretty bad before. I am not exaggerating when I say my c-section was less painful than this. All I could do was lie on the couch and cry. 

At this point, Ajay pulled out the remaining percocettes and Advil from my c-section and told me to take them. Nothing could be worth this much pain. I have never felt anything so miserable in my life...it was that bad.

So when my doctor's office opened today, I called and tearfully explained to the nurse practitioner that breast feeding wasn't working for me, that I had mastitis and needed to know the best, least painful way to stop breast feeding. She walked me through how to wean, and I put the plan on file in my brain. She prescribed an antibiotic to clear up the infection in my ducts, which will hopefully relieve the pressure and pain. 

Once I made the decision to take the steps toward throwing in the towel on the whole breast feeding thing, I felt mixed emotions. 

On one hand, I feel like, "what the f*ck? Can't anything go easy for me when it comes to babies?"...I guess I could file that under self pity. 

On the other hand, I feel like, "I pumped for a month solid, and provided everything I could for our little one, and that's good enough...I really gave it every effort, sought help from every source I could (from nurses at the hospital to lactation consultants to the breast feeding clinic at the hospital).  I really have tried hard". 

On still the other hand, I feel like, "other people can do it, why can't I seem to be able to?...I mean, our species survived for millions of years based on our babies getting milk from their moms...".  

I still ask myself why I feel the need to justify my decision to begin weaning. When I talk to other Moms that didn't breast feed, they tell me their reason why they decided not to...from "my milk wasn't enough" to "my baby didn't tolerate my milk" to "it just wasn't for me". These Moms may or may not express feelings of guilt, but I was always first to defend their decisions and support them. My thoughts were "whatever is best for Mom is best for the baby...who wants a miserable stressed out Mom when it doesn't have to be that way". Yet, when it comes to myself, I have a hard time applying my same thoughts and support. I beat up on myself, challenge myself, ask myself again and again "did I really give it all I could?" It's hard to be so hard on myself...why can't I just let it go? 

A letter from Ajay to Alia...

During one of his late nights with Alia, Ajay took some time to write down a few thoughts for his new little daughter...Here's what he had to say to her...

Try to look past the rough edges in people. Know that most are just doing the best that they can.

Know that not everyone is as smart as you, so have some sympathy for that. Other people may say or do things that seem mean to you. That is just becausethey may not understand themselves, let alone understand how to relate to you.

Try not to get too frustrated when things don't come easily or quickly. With your smarts, with a lot of work, and with time you will be able to do anythingyou want.

Never panic, you will be able to solve the problem.

Don't panic, at best you'll just annoy those around you. At worst, they will panic too.

Try not to complain. No one (other than your family) will really care, or even listen. Work out your own solutions to your problems, and put them in place.

Be as independant as you can.

Remember to laugh. There are a lot of really funny things out there.

Focus on things you enjoy, and then work to become good at them. If you are lucky then these will be things that society values, and you will be rewarded.

On my own!

Today is Ajay's first day back to work since taking leave for three weeks. Today is also the 4th Monday we've had Alia...I can't believe that we've already had her for four weeks.

With Ajay heading back to work, and hurting his back during a workout, last night was the first night that I've covered the entire night by myself...with his back ache, it was important for him to get the rest to heal, not to mention he needs to be rested for his job...it's not like anyone wants to think about their anesthesiologist being sleep deprived from having a newborn at home, right?

So last night, Alia and I slept in the TV room on the couch... she was a doll. She woke up every three hours like clockwork to eat, and with a few diaper changes, she was back to sleep each time in no time. A Mom couldn't ask for more of a new little one! I was a little nervous about taking over all of the Alia responsibilities with Ajay's return to work, but if nights go as well as this first one does, I think I'll actually be able to pull it off like all the other moms out there.

When morning came, I remembered a conversation Ajay and I had... after giving it thought, he mentioned he thought the best strategy for me in caring for Alia would be to do one of a few things when she sleeps... if she sleeps, I should 1) sleep or 2) shower or 3) pump or 4) eat. Remembering his idea has really helped me to stay focused today. I was actually able to accomplish all those things on this first day...so far.

Anyway, here's Alia chillin' first thing this morning....again, this is not posed...this is just how our little one rolls!

And this is how I accomplished taking a shower today..

A winning combination

Lately, Miss Alia has had wonderful mornings, decent afternoons, and then the sun goes down. That's when things change...our sweet little smiley baby of the morning turns into a red-faced, inconsolable little sun-downer baby. 

Yesterday morning, Ajay came back from the gym and surprised me by telling me that I had a massage appointment at 6:00 p.m. and the day spa near Costco. Perfect! I could pick up more baby wipes, get a massage, and then pick up some take out for dinner on the way back. Woo hoo! Mommy's getting a massage!

So off I went. First, I hit Costco, because who wants to contend with a big box store after a massage? I accomplished my tasks. Next, I hit the day spa. I was rubbed. I was massaged. I was happy. Then I called home to check in, and ask Ajay what he wanted me to pick up for dinner.

The voice on the other end of the line was in a way typical of Ajay...calm, cool, collected, and methodical... but a bit too calm and cool. That's when I heard the wailing in the background. "Is everything okay", I asked. Ajay responded, again, with his very calm I-have-it-under-control-voice with  "yes, pick up whatever you'd like, I have to go". As I continued to drive homeward bound, I rethought what his level of frustration may possibly be at this point, and called back...this time the machine answered. So I told the machine that if it's better for Ajay, I can come directly home and help with Alia, and he can go out and pick up dinner and have a little time out for himself if he'd like. Just as I was finishing the message, Ajay picked up, again, with his calm voice, and said to go ahead and pick up dinner. Okay. 

So I picked up dinner and headed home at the speed of sound. I brought in only the essentials from the car, headed inside, and Ajay and Alia were nowhere to be found. Not in her room with the white-noise machine going, not in the bathroom with the exhaust fans and the shower running, not in the laundry room with the dryer going, not in the vibrating magic chair, not in the swing, not in the vibrating pack-'n'-play... they weren't in any of her favorite calming spots. I thought maybe he took her for a ride in the car, but realized the base of the car seat was in my car so that wasn't likely. So I headed to the back yard. Nope, not by the fireplace, not by the wall that has the vines growing on it that Alia becomes mesmerized by...I rounded the corner, and there, in sitting on the base of the Buddha fountain was Ajay....wearing the Baby Bjorn front pack, with Alia inside, binky in mouth, staring at the big Buddha. And the kicker? Ajay was holding his iPhone by her ear playing techno...the latest Buddha Bar playlist to be exact...and all was calm. Who knew?

Could someone please hold my arms down?

Since Alia was born, we've been thoroughly entertained by what we have dubbed the levitating arms. Outside of her control, her little arms float up to her sides. When she was a brand new baby, she would see her arms floating out there and get startled by them and cry...I think I blogged about her no longer being afraid of her arms awhile back.

Anyway, secondary to the floating arms is her need to always always have 1) something in her mouth to suck on (preferably a bottle but a pacifier or a hand or my finger will do in a pinch) and 2) always have her little hands near her face. In fact, all the ultrasounds of her final 3 or 4 months in utero were difficult to see because her hands were always blocking her face.
Now, if you think this through, you may be able to foresee a problem that gives Ajay and I unlimited entertainment, as well as very sleepless nights. We put the binky in her mouth and get a happy baby. Then her floating arms float up, landing her hands near her face, and at once she bumps the binky out of her mouth, and the crying begins. While it's sad, and yes, during the wee hours of the night, very frustrating, it's still entertaining. 

This issue has advanced even further in the past couple of days...Alia's right levitating hand has learned to grasp...so as opposed to formerly knocking the binky out of her mouth, her little hand now floats up, finds anchor by grasping the binky, and pulls it out of her mouth, and then she begins to cry. The look on her face says, "why does that thing keep taking my binky?". 

Alia's left arm, levitating, and eventually aiming for the binky...

This morning Ajay was lying in bed with Alia propped on his belly, with his knees bent, he leaned her back on his thighs...a favorite position of hers...she looks like a little round Buddha staring back at you.

Alia in her favorite Buddha position on Ajay's lap

She was dressed in her diaper and a long sleeved pink shirt with built in hand covers, which are great for her to sleep in because she always escapes her swaddle over night and scratches her face. As I was leaving the room, Alia's little arms began to float, nearing her binky. I over heard Ajay say, "don't worry, Baby, I'll protect you from those pink things" (meaning her arms). 

It was such a clever assessment of the situation. She has no idea that her arms are responsible for this endless battle of keeping the binky in her mouth, and she really does need to be protected from them at this point!

And while we're at it, could someone please tell me who has my ear???

Dinner with friends...and Alia!

Wednesday, Ajay and I invited our neighbors over for dinner...we've been enjoying time to ourselves since our Moms and my sister left, but thought it was time to exit our little baby-focused microcosm for an evening and have adult conversation and some good wine.

Ajay and I wanted to use our new grill, and we decided on steaks. Ajay had seen some sort of Florentine steak preparation on the cooking channel...Mario Battali cooking huge steaks over open flames in the Italian countryside can be very inspiring. We thought we'd keep it simple and have steaks, roasted potatoes on the grill, salad, some crusty bread, and call it a day.

Ajay volunteered to do the steaks, which is totally not the norm...unlike most men, Ajay didn't inherit the BBQ gene. So, with the main course delegated, I could just focus on the sides, the shopping, the breast pumping, and taking care of the baby...fantastic!

So I headed to the super market, treated us and our guests to some fantastic two-inch New York Strips, and came back home, made the salad and roasted the potatoes. Ajay opened some fantastic wine (but then again, after nine months of no wine, you could seriously feed me two-buck-Chuck and I'd think it was to die for), our friends arrived, and our evening was underway.

Our friends were enthusiastic about Alia, understanding about her needs and my divided attention, and over-the-top helpful when it came time for the evening to end...they rolled up their sleeves and did the dishes!!! It couldn't have been a nicer night or a nicer re-entry into our albeit limited, social circle.

My new high fasion

Since my baby was born, I've lost 25 of the 35 pounds I gained during my pregnancy. While I feel much better than I did at full term pregnancy, I've become a little delusional. Somewhere in my mind, I think that these pounds melting away have left me a size smaller than I was before getting pregnant, but the reality is my fat clothes still don't fit, but my maternity clothes are swimming on me. And frankly, those maternity clothes have all seen better days...I really wore everything to death by refusing to buy more clothes at the end of the pregnancy...I mean, seriously...it's so NOT fun to buy clothes that resemble bed sheets. So anyway, yesterday I volunteered to do the shopping for our dinner, and planned to hit the nearby Gap beforehand and buy a few new things to get me through the last 10 pounds.

Before heading out, I pulled up the Gap online...in the interest of saving time away from Alia and just to get some ideas and do a little previewing of what I'd find in the store. I haven't left the house for anything other than pediatrician and lactation appointments; I feel like I've been in a retail cave.

To my dismay, what I saw online didn't work for my new lifestyle. There were lots of things with sassy necklines, dry-clean tops, pants that looked too narrow for my birthing hips...basically I didn't think I'd find anything in the store that I was looking for...and then I saw it...the "Lounge and Pajama" section. Precisely! I want draw strings. I want washables. I want something that doesn't look like I slept in it so that when a random UPS guy or Postal worker knocks on the door, they won't think I'm wearing my pajamas, regardless of the sub-category my new clothes were found beneath online.

So off to the store I went. On arrival, I was bummed to see that the fall clothes dominated both the regular and the Gap Body section. The things I saw online? Not even on the sale rack! So in the end, I came home with 4 t-shirts that I didn't even bother to try on, and a couple of new tanks, and NO cute track suit made just for new Moms...no draw strings, no washable outfits that can get pooped on. And that was my outing! That was my me-time. I was crushed.

A few hours later, still in a sour mood as I put on my new t-shirt with my old pajama bottoms, I realized that time has a new value in my life...especially any time that is dedicated only to myself. That's why I was so upset...not only did I find the time to shower, put on an acceptable amount of make up, find two articles of clothing that was both clean and fit well enough, work it out with Ajay to watch the baby for the estimated hour and a half that I'd be gone...I'd invested in the hope. The hope of finding just a couple of things for myself..the hope that retail therapy as I had once known it would be there for me in this time of need!

Sushi and White Wine...Benefits of Alia being on the outside

Tonight Ajay picked up sushi and brought it home...

Okay, before pregnancy, sushi was a staple in my life...we ate sushi probably once a week on average. So needless to say, I really missed sushi while being pregnant. I also did my share of drinking wine...which was also off limits for almost a year.

So tonight, Ajay poured a nice crisp sauvignon blanc, put out the tray of sushi, and for at least three and a half minutes, we sat together (with Alia napping in her bassinet nearby), had a little conversation, and enjoyed several bites of sushi and sips of wine. We talked about how our lives have changed so completely...how it's hard to remember not having Alia...how I feel more dependant on Ajay now that my time and focus is 100% on Alia.

What I mean to say is previously, I wasn't working, but in the back of my mind, always knew that I was employable and capable of helping to provide should we ever need me to. But now that Alia is here, there's no way I would sign up for going back to work and having some one else care for her. Not unless there was some sort of major catastrophe in our lives that warranted it.

So while I've been dependent on Ajay since we got married and I stopped working, it's different now. Now we're both more planted in our chosen roles. We're more invested in our lives as a family unit as opposed to our lives as married individuals. We have this beautiful little thing that's moved to the very front of our focus, thoughts, and efforts. I have always felt very close to Ajay. But now I feel that we're one unit.

The Photo Shoot

Today we did Alia's newborn photo shoot. We received a photo package as a gift from Ajay's group at the hospital, and took the opportunity to do the shoot today, while Ajay is still at home on unofficial paternity leave.

Last night, Alia slept pretty well, which mean that I got some much needed sleep...actually 4 straight hours in a row! That's major! So we woke up at around 6:30 a.m., and my goal was to tidy up the back yard by the pool (which we used for Ajay's 40th birthday party last weekend, which means there was still a bucket of beer in water and half empty bottles of wine on no-longer ice)...I figured the photographer would want some outdoor photos. 

I also needed to bathe the little girl, take the covers off the outdoor furniture, take my own shower, pump breast milk, feed the little one, and change her...all before the photographer got here at 9:30....no sweat!

So the photographer showed up on time. She was fantastic. She had a knack for handling newborns, took plenty of time on each setup, allowed for plenty of cuddle-time, breaks for calming, feeding, even pumping. She even calmed Alia when Ajay and I were passing her back and forth trying all of our standard tricks to no avail. So needless to say, we felt really good about the shoot and can't wait to get the results in about a week, which I'll post a link to on the blog.

Ajay snapped a few shots while the stage was set

Again, Ajay took advantage of the setup and fired off his own shots... perhaps a new calling?

What's Alia like, anyway?

It seems that being true to myself, I tend to jump in to task mode when I'm overwhelmed. I focus on Alia's feeding schedule, my breast pumping schedule, the diaper schedule, Alia's nap schedule, our shift change and sleep schedule, and in between, the laundry schedule, the cooking schedule, the cleaning schedule, and yes, even the run-to-Target schedule. 

One of my friends asked me, "so what's Alia like?"

The question really made me stop and reflect. I had become so occupied with getting things done, I hadn't really talked much about my little slice of sweetness. I had communicated my trials with breast-feeding, my newly adapted skill of functioning on 2 hours of sleep at a time, and alot of other insignificant things.

So what is Alia like? Well, first of all, she is sweetness personified. She likes her sneezes...they make her smile. But her yawns scare her and are likely to make her cry. She used to be afraid of her arms...if we un-swaddled her, her arms would levitate out of her control, and then they would startle her. But she's passed that now...now that she's all grown up. Alia isn't crazy about baths, but loves to get her hair washed. She prefers her green binky to her blue one, even though they are the same brand and same size. When she wakes up from a nap and becomes fussy, she likes little pats on her bottom. 

 Alia is a good baby. She only cries when there is something wrong....hungry, wet/dirty diaper, tired and ready for her nap, binky fell out of her mouth...you know, important baby things.

Alia started making eye contact this week. When I feed her, I find her eyes staring right back at me with an intensity that suggests, "Hey, I know you... don't I?" She's gained a pound since her birth, and grown a half an inch. She doesn't look like the same dainty little waif we brought home from the hospital. She looks like a little rounded Buddha. She has a very prominent belly but very narrow butt/hips...she's kind of built like her Uncle Tim in that way. 

Alia is also a prankster. She likes to spit out her binky at the most opportune moments...when we're loading her into the car seat, she shoots it out and under the car. When we're walking by a large and low-to-the-ground piece of furniture, you can bet she'll spit it in the perfect way to make it land beneath the furniture and just out of reach. She also enjoys making a fresh poop just when you've finished changing her diaper and outfit. Oh, and her favorite thing is what she dubs "the yellow fountain" which involves a fantastically timed pee....she waits until the dirty diaper is off, and before I can get the clean one on, it's fountain time!!!! This activity is usually reserved for sometime around 3 a.m.

Alia is a sucker baby...she came out of me with both hands in her mouth. The last months of ultrasounds captured images of her hands either in her mouth or on her face. That hasn't changed. Although I was initially against using a pacifier, my pediatrician basically said "it's either her hands or a pacifier, and at least you can throw a pacifier away at some point". So although her hands are still always looking for her mouth, we're trying to dissuade that... her aim isn't so good and she scratches her face. 

Alia is doing a great job at what babies are supposed to do. She eats well, she sleeps (although her days and nights are mixed up at this point), she poops, and from time to time she throws us a bone and smiles at us. Or at least we think she's smiling at us! She is beautiful, and changes from day to day. I can't believe that we've had her for three weeks already!

Breast Hygiene and Nipple Care....Who knew?

Ummmm, seriously...

I can honestly say I never would have predicted a blog on this topic. This is something that nobody ever told me, but did you know that if you're breast-feeding, you have to be super tuned- in to your nipples? 

The first few days after you've given birth, your breasts produce colostrum, which is the pre-milk product perfect for newborns. No one ever told me that this stuff is kind of sticky...and that you have to make sure to clean it off in the shower every day...and that's not necessarily an easy task, especially if it's built up over a couple of days. And this is very likely to happen. 

Why? You may ask....well, the nurses of post partem will tell you that colostrum has the perfect healing agents for your tattered and torn nipples after your first several days of breast feeding. So they'll tell you "express some colostrum and smear it on your breast, and let it air dry". Which, silly thing, you will do because you're desperate to heal these newly sore nipples. But they didn't tell you to remove it every day so it doesn't build up. Which happened to me...I didn't know what the hell was wrong with my boobs...what was that sticky stuff, and why was it so hard to get off? 

So is this still a problem after the milk comes in? Not nearly so much...however, having developed blocked ducts from this silicone like sealant being smeared all over the very surface designed to be the exit for all that milk, I am now acutely aware of nipple hygiene. 

Sleep Envy

Last night, I was totally wiped out with sleep deprivation and Ajay tucked me in at 8:30. I slept and slept, and finally was awakened by the sound of Ajay bringing the baby to me at 1:00 a.m. Fair enough, I thought...even though our typical change of shift was at 3 a.m., he had in fact taken care of her for quite awhile while I enjoyed getting re-acquainted with the inside of my eyelids.

So just to keep track, I had 8:30 to 9-10-11-12-1...that's like, 5 and a half hours of sleep. Not bad!!!!

Anyway, around 1:15 a.m., Little Miss woke up. And she was wide awake. And unhappy. I fed her. I changed her. I sang her songs. I jiggled her. I told her stories. I checked her diaper again. I fed her a little more. I could not get her back to sleep. She was awake for the long haul. I continued into the night trying to calm her, comfort her, and help her go to sleep. But she wouldn't...she was awake and fussy until almost 6 in the morning.

In this stretch of time...from 1 a.m. to about 5:50 a.m., when she decided to finally go to sleep, I found myself doing sleep comparisons in my head like a score card. I know in the end it all evens out. I know that this is totally silly and infantile behavior. But dammit...Ajay got a four hour nap during the day, and now a totally uninterrupted night of sleep too! He had logged 4 + 5 hours of sleep in one day! That's 9 hours! I only got 5! How is this fair!!!! Why did my little girl decide to sleep on his shift and be awake on mine?

And that's about the time that I wheeled in Alia's bassinet into our bedroom, touched Ajay's leg, and told him "it's your turn". I climbed back in bed, slept 2  hours, and began my day with a new understanding for the need of a good under-eye concealer.

Breast Feeding...finally a decision

On Saturday, one of the nurses that works with Ajay at the hospital, who also happens to be a lactation consultant, came by the house to work with Alia and me. After our success on Friday, I felt optimistic, although I hadn't been able to get Alia to latch on since the day before. 

For over 30 minutes, Nurse Nancy (seriously, her name was Nancy) put Alia against my breast over and over. Alia didn't like that. Again, she turned bright red. She curled up her tongue and blocked the entrance of my boob to her mouth. She cried. She protested. She wore herself out into a frenzy. We tried coaxing her to my breast by squirting bottled breast milk onto my boob. We tried skin-to-skin which involves stripping her to her diaper to keep her from overheating and to encourage her to recognize my smell. We tried the cross-cradle, we tried the football hold. We tried both breasts, including the one that is bubbled up with second degree burn blisters from when I forgot to wrap my ice pack in a towel and froze my boob solid. She cried. I cried. And then she latched on. With 6 hands, and 30 years of breast feeding expertise, we got her to latch on. She even switched breasts after 20 minutes. 

But then I thought... what about when I don't have 6 hands and the lactation expert's nerves of steel? What then? Nurse Nancy told me I didn't have to worry about it any more. She told me Alia had a "good suck" and that it would go fine from here. She offered to follow up with me on the following day. 

Later that night, Ajay and I tried again. Only I don't have Nurse Nancy's detachment or nerves of steel. I caved after about 4 minutes, ending up a crying heap. I tearfully asked Ajay what he thought we should do. He replied, "I think we should give up". Really???? Like for real? I asked him to explain. He told me that all of the misery attached to getting our baby to drink directly from my boob was just silly. I'm pumping. She's taking my breast milk from the bottle. She's getting all the immunities and nutrients. So who cares if she gets it from a bottle or my boob?

Why is this so emotional? I reflected back over the past two weeks of my trials and challenges with breast feeding to try to figure this out. For the first few days, my milk didn't come in. My baby came out hungry and ready to eat. The nurses and even the lactation people at the hospital identified this little one as a girl that needed supplementation. So we supplemented. And  I continued to try to get her to breast feed. After days of trying, I had cracked and bleeding breasts, my right breast engorged and painful to the touch. Upon icing the center of my chest to relieve the engorgement, I gave myself a second degree burn on my left breast because in my sleep deprived state, I didn't wrap the sub-zero ice pack made for coolers in a towel...I put it straight on my breast. I know...smart, right? Anyway, this burn developed into a water filled blister that covered nearly half of my gigantic left breast...meaning that breast was off limits for awhile unless I wanted Alia's curious little roaming fingers to end up in an open oozing sore. So without any use on the left side, I became engorged on the left side. And then I had blocked ducts in both sides. And the nipple on the right side? Still bleeding!

So I reflected on what Ajay said. And in my vulnerable sleep deprived state, it was as if I had heard logic for the first time in my life. So that's it for me...no more forcing my beautiful baby to my tear soaked breast...she's getting my milk from a bottle. Nuff said.

The house empties...

Wow...this being a new Mommy thing keeps you busy! On Thursday, we took my sister to the airport to head back home. Then on Sunday, we took my Mom to the airport. So now it's just me, Ajay,  and Maya (Ajay's Mom) on baby duty. By comparison, it seems like a very small staff for our new girl!

With my Mom and sister already back at home and missing this little beautiful girl, I have to stop and reflect that the brand new baby is less than brand new now. I'm out of the hospital. Two-thirds of the family that came to help me get settled with the new baby have returned to their lives. I've come to feel that Alia has always been a part of our lives...I can't remember what it was not to have her.

Alia had her two-week follow up at the pediatrician today. In the two weeks she's been outside of me, she has gained an entire pound and grew half an inch. She's thriving, healthy, and has a voracious appetite. 

Over the past several days, I've felt a weight lifting from my shoulders. After Alia's twin brother died at 20 weeks gestation, I had been holding my breath, afraid to actually get too attached to her. I was afraid, despite what my doctor told me, to accept that she would actually be born alive and well. Now that it's obvious that the doctor was right, I've noticed that I'm slowly allowing myself to exhale. 

Here Alia is being measured---she grew a half inch in two weeks!

Here Ajay holds our little milk-filled Buddha girl

Sometimes this exhaling comes with some very potent emotions.  I bottled everything up and put a very tight cork in... just waiting for her birth to allow myself to feel anything. Aside from writing about what I'm thinking in my blog, I didn't spend much time processing my fears. But now that she's here, I feel so many things all at once. 

I feel an overwhelming love for this little girl. I feel totally and completely bonded to and in sync (no, not the 90's boy band... you know what I mean) with her. I feel complete... but not in that cheesy Jerry Maguire "You complete me" way...I mean in a nice, healthy way... not a freaky co-dependent way. 

I also feel the sadness of her twin brother not being here...and I feel guilty. I realized just how much work a new baby is, and in a way feel blessed that I only have her to focus my limited energy on. The first time I felt this was on one of those 4 a.m. nights, when she just didn't want to go to sleep. I found my mind thinking, "Oh, my God, I almost had two of these... how would I have managed?" And then immediately I felt guilty and told myself that if I had two, I would have managed any way that I could, and not to think that. But I did think that. I did feel guilty. But now I know that it isn't that I didn't want her twin brother to survive, it was my very tired and fatigued mind trying to make the best out of the situation at hand. It was my mind's way of finally coping with the empty space. Alia was a twin...but her brother just wasn't meant to be here yet.

Maya plans to leave us day after tomorrow...heading first to L.A. to see Ajay's brother, and then another stop here in the U.S., and finally back home to Turkey. Ajay and I have hit our stride and are making our way as new parents. As the house empties, ultimately we'll be left with just the three of us... no longer just the two of us!

Breast Feeding Clinic

On Friday,  I went back to the hospital for a breastfeeding clinic...Alia's first outing since she came home. Here's what it takes to make it out for an hour long private lesson with a lactation consultant.... Ajay's got the Baby Sherpa backpack on his back, full of the reinforcements...change of outfits, pumped breast milk, pacifiers, burp cloths, a whole package of wipes, my vitamin water because I get very thirsty when I pump/nurse, receiving blankets, and Alia's intake/output log, The small green bag in Ajay's right hand is one of my favorite things I received as a gift (from Evelyn and Iman) ...it's a very portable diaper changing station, with a roll-our mat, room for diapers, wipes, and disposable baggies to confine all that extra smelly goodness. And finally, in Ajay's left hand is my Sprite, which keeps me from getting car sick in the event Ajay ends up driving (and no, that's not a comment on Ajay's driving at all...I just get car sick no matter whose driving).

So after packing up all that stuff for about 20 minutes, we borrowed our neighbor Jim's SUV because Maya and my Mom took my car on an over-night adventure. We loaded up the car and set out on our first adventure outside our house since bringing the little one home. We quickly found out that Alia is a very good passenger...she nodded off to sleep almost immediately which was a big relief, because the lady at the Breast Feeding Clinic told me not to give her a full meal, just give her a partial feeding so that she's somewhat hungry when she arrives.

My hope was that the people at this breast-feeding clinic could help me get Alia latched on. I was hopeful, but realistic...she's been bottle feeding my expressed breast milk now for 10 days, with no significant time spent actually latched on to my breast. When I arrived at the Clinic, I found three nurses in their fifties ready to help. We put one of those special pillows around my waist and got ready to attach the little one. She didn't cooperate. Immediately Alia showed them her true colors and turned bright red, began crying and crying, and would not latch on . This continued for about 29 minutes, until we were all defeated and ready to throw in the towel; I told them I was just going to give her some of her bottle because she was too upset to work with us. They agreed.

One of the ladies was late for a meeting. The other lady began helping other struggling Moms. My lady stuck with us. After giving Alia a small taste of her bottle, we tried to place her on my breast again. She struggled. We struggled. We identified that she curls up her tongue and actually blocks the entry to her mouth. In the end, Alia was bright red and upset...tears rolling down her sweet little cheeks. I pulled out my bottle of breast milk that I had brought along and gave her half of it just to calm her down. 

And that's when it happened. Once she calmed down, we slowly placed on the breast feeding pillow in front of me. Within a minute, she was fully latched on and feeding away. Miraculous! After she drained that breast, we successfully switched her to the other side. Again...miraculous. She fed like a champ.

So in the end, we drove home, feeling accomplished. Our girl could in fact do it...you can teach an old dog new tricks!

Here's the little one in the car seat on her first adventure out of the house since being brought home from the hospital.

And here's Ajay, giving me "that look"... suggesting we get on with it and get to the clinic before the little one starts to cry...

Ajay's 40th

This weekend we threw Ajay a birthday dinner party for 30 of our close friends (and their kids). I can honestly say that my involvement in the planning and execution was very minimal. Aside from saying "Lebonese sounds great" and "how about chocolate cake?", my input was hardly up to my previous standard of controlling every single decision. Instead, I've learned since Alia was born that in order to keep your head on, you have to learn to 1) delegate and 2) not care so much.

For example...old Andrea...would have planned the menu, called the caterer (or even cooked it entirely by myself), picked up the food, made sure each and every serving dish was spotless and coordinated perfectly before placing it on the buffet or setting the table. The old Andrea would have been there to open the door for every guest. The old Andrea would have taken part in all of the eating and drinking and mingled the night away, making sure to speak to each and every guest. The old Andrea would have cleared the table at the end of the night. The old Andrea would make sure that the dishwasher was run at least once or twice before bed. The old Andrea would have been up at dawn unloading the dishwasher, reloading it, put away serving pieces, wiped down all the dining furniture, and swept or mopped beneath.

The new Andrea? Not so much. First of all, Ajay called in the order for both the food and the cakes. Yes...for his own party. We asked that his brother pick up the cakes on his way down from L.A., and asked his Dad to pick up the food on his way over. Ajay's brother and Dad both arrived about an hour before the other guests, at which time I was still in the shower....Alia's bath took precedent over my own.
 
The old Andrea...never met a good (or just decent) bottle of wine that I couldn't finish. The new Andrea? Very selective in choosing my very favorite single glass of wine for maximum enjoyment, and times the consumption of said wine to be immediately after my last breast pumping so that I'll have 3 hours for it to clear out of my system before my next pump.

Okay, back to the party...when the first guests started to arrive, I was in my bedroom pumping my breast milk. Yes, another blog on that at another time...she's still not latching on so I'm still pumping about 6-8 times per day. I finally got Alia dressed in her very cute pink and white and yellow dress with matching underpants and a pink cardigan and took her out to the kitchen. it was really fantastic to get to share Alia with all the people that are so important in our lives. Seeing the happiness on everyone's faces was so wonderful.

However, as more people came, I got a little overwhelmed. I felt a little uncomfortable that so many people really wanted to hold her...but she's only 10 days old! And hasn't had her immunizations! Okay, I know that I'm being an overprotective freak, but seriously, the day we brought her home to my Mom, sister, Maya and a couple of close friends, Alia got seriously overly-stimulated by all the noise and attention and being held by different people. So the last thing I wanted to do was start passing the baby from person to person and have a very upset baby on my hands within the hour. So I politely just held on to her and told people "maybe later"...but later is always later, isn't it? 

Okay, so as the night went on, I finally relaxed. My Mom offered to hold the baby in my room and shelter her from the crowd of admirers. I joined the party around 10 PM, enjoyed singing Happy Birthday to Ajay, had a fantastic glass of Plumpjack, which I'd been waiting for for over nine months, and quietly snuck back to my bedroom and went to sleep while the party was still in full force. I know...how things change, right?