After feeling cramping a few days ago, I instantly began bargaining in my mind. I thought, "okay, please don't let this be happening. If this isn't the beginning of a miscarriage, I'll be totally happy if all four embryos took. No complaints. I'll deal with anything. Give me all four. Just please don't make it a miscarriage".
The reason this bargaining is relevant is that while Ajay and I were evaluating how aggressive to be with In Vitro, I asked two of the Moms I know to share some insight with me: Lena, my sister in law, and Tamra, my long time friend. My goal was to determine what would be worse, having triplets or even quads, or having zero kids after this whole process. If we chose one way, there was a better shot of having kids, but also a higher risk of multiples. If we chose the other alternative, there would be a reduced chance of multiples, but also a slightly greater chance of no babies. As a girl with no kids, I needed help understanding what these choices really meant to my life. I asked Lena and Tamra to remember coming home that first day with their brand new first baby, utterly scared and completely inexperienced, and then I asked them to imagine having 3 new babies instead of the one. Then I asked them to describe what they would have felt.
FYI, Lena's daughter (my niece) is a beautiful, wide-eyed, apprehensive little girl. My impression of Haylah is that she is a little girl in every sense of the word. She is the little girl in the pink tutu in ballet class mesmorized with her own reflection. She is the little girl who, when given a toy car, placed her feet up on the wheel wells and looked to you to pull her around.
When approaching stairs, she sits down about 5 feet from the stairs and scoots half way across the room to approach them, and then goes down each step, one at a time, slowly and on her little bottom. These are the things I know about little girls. And I might add that these impressions have been made on me while on holiday with the family, a week or two or three at a time, so I do understand there is more to Haylah than I'm aware.
I haven't spent near the time with Tamra's daughter Morgan, so I've always assumed that she is somewhat like Haylah, because after all, she's a girl, too!
When I asked Lena, mother of Haylah, to imagine the bringing-three-babies-home scenario, she said that all children are a blessing and I would figure out a way no matter how many we had. Tamra, mother of Morgan said, something like, "oh dear God, you've got no idea! I can't imagine!" She said this while smiling wide eyed and shaking her head.
I contemplated both of their perspectives seriously and went back and forth daily. One day, I felt 100% confident that I would choose one route, and the next day I would be equally confident that the other choice was the right one for our lives. In the end, I wanted the best odds to have babies, and went ahead with the option that gave us the best odds for babies, with the higher risk of multiples.
As previously mentioned in former posts, I had four embryos implanted, imagining four little Haylahs attending ballet classes, or maybe three little boy versions of Haylah riding in my newly purchased 1982 Caprice Classic station wagon (with wood paneling...like the one we had growing up)...after all, who can afford a new car with triplets? Nonetheless, I imagined the boys in their car seats sleeping soundly while I'm listening to the John Denver 8-track that came with the car on the daily trip to Trader Joe's. This is where the the gauzy delusion is shattered.
Knowing I'm bordering on cabin fever, my friend Tamra came over yesterday to keep me company, and brought her absolutely gorgeous little girl, Morgan, who is about 18 months old. When they arrive, Morgan is asleep in her car seat. She slowly and pleasantly wakes up. She has a drink. She eats a little string cheese, and then she realizes she's in a different house, and it is by God time to explore.
Morgan is a different type of little girl. Tamra has always told me she is very independant and fearless, but until yesterday, I didn't quite understand what that meant. Reviewing photos I've previously taken of Morgan, I realized what it might mean.
Morgan only knows one speed.....running full speed ahead. She does so with the cutest little backwards glance, just begging to be caught or at least chased. Morgan was told to be careful of my cat (who doesn't particularly love toddlers), and took it as a personal challenge. Morgan openned my eyes to a whole new scenerio. What if I have 3 or 4 of these Little Miss Indepenants? What if I can't catch them all? What if we actually can't afford some sort of help and I literally die trying to keep up with the 3 or 4 little Morgan's? Because, believe me, that could happen.
After a few hours with Tam and Morgan, I totally and completely understand what Tam said before...."oh dear God! I can't imagine!". But then I remind myself of my bargaining.
