Living in the Now

I'm doing better. The flowers that people sent us when we lost Baby Boy have started to die, and I think it might be time to consider tossing them. Strange thing about flowers that mark a sad event...flowers are inherently cheerful and brighten up your house, but when they are tied to mourning, it's different...they remind you of the people who care about you in your life, and they remind you of why they are there in the first place. I hesitate to throw them away for all of those reasons. I realize that throwing away wilted flowers is not setting aside my grief, but in a way, maybe that's what I'm hoping for.

Yesterday after my ultrasound, I spent some time walking around Fashion Island, which is our outdoor mall. It was such a pretty day, and I just felt like having some nice quiet me-time. I bought some more baby books for Alia, books that will teach her animals and colors. I like to imagine reading to her, and asking her, what color is the horse? And what does a horse say? I can't wait for her to get here.

At the same time, if I've learned anything from years of yoga classes, it's to live in the moment. Enjoy the now. Don't pin your happiness to the future, but enjoy the present, every breath of it. Don't dwell in the past. Focus on now. Appreciate where you are. Well, okay, let's see if I can reel myself in and stop projecting forward....focus on the now.

Well, I do like my big belly. I am so amused to look at it and to feel the warm tender spot where I know she lies. I do enjoy eating cookies and frozen yogurt, which is a new indulgence that I allow myself. I like being pregnant (especially now that I am beyond the morning sickness and headaches for the most part)...I love to think of Alia floating around in her little sac of fluid. I like to wonder what she's thinking, and if she's thinking yet. I love that I'm the one who gets to carry her around all day every day. I love that I'm her protector and in charge of her completely.

I love that when we sit on the couch at night and I raise my shirt to look at the roundness of my belly, Ajay puts his hand on my belly to share that time with his daughter. I love to wonder with Ajay what she'll look like, if she really will have his big ears like the ultrasound projects. Will she have Indian features and my skin tone? Or will she have my European features and Ajay's lovely skin tone? I love that I have started to feel her kick on the lateral and medial sides, beyond where her placenta lies. I love the tiny little socks that have cat's faces on the toes that my Mom sent. I love that we are so fortunate to have Alia, and I think I realize that even more after losing Baby Boy. I love that Alia has cousins on the way that she'll get to grow up with.

Here are some other things about the present that I struggle with...First and foremost and most obviously, I hate that we lost Baby Boy, and I hate that Alia lost her brother and possibly her best friend. I hate that my pregnancy happiness is conflicted and polarized between elation and devastation. I don't like that at any point I can have a trigger that brings tears to my eyes. I don't like that Baby Boy won't get to be a part of our family...I feel sorry for him. It's like he doesn't get to come with us on vacation...left behind while we move forward in our lives and grow our family. I hate that losing him could quite possibly ruin me if I let it.

I don't like the butt print on my couch when I get up...I mean, who's ass was that sitting where I was sitting??? Santa Claus? I don't like that my pants are a size (or two) bigger...even in maternity clothes---sure they say they're adjusted for pregnancy, but who are they? I don't like that I now fear buying baby things...after losing Baby Boy, and I had to return the double-strollers, the extra car seat, and the extra crib, crib bedding, and crib mattress, I became scared to buy anything. I still haven't decided on a single-stroller...I still can't bring myself to even begin looking again after all the Consumer Reports research and looking from store to store to find people that carried to elusive twin stroller (sure they have lots of strollers that will hold two, but not two newborns at a time, so they weren't truly twin strollers...a very deceptive characteristic that Mom's of twins have to focus in on.) I don't like that Ajay still has daily reminders at work of just how sad our loss is...just Friday one of the nurses who hadn't heard about Baby Boy asked him how the twins were doing...Ajay told her what happened, and she burst out in tears on the spot. When I heard this story, I thought that we shouldn't have told anyone...we should have waited longer to spread the word that we were expecting twins...but then I realize that we didn't do anything wrong...no one expects to lose a baby at the pregnancy's half way mark. I think that's the mind's way of trying to learn something from the pain, trying to prevent it in the future...but in reality we couldn't have known, and it's normal to share your happiness with friends and family and co-workers.

All in all, like I said, I'm doing better. I do my best to focus on the positives every day, and I still allow myself to love Alia more every day. I like that my fear of loss hasn't tempered my raw emotion for our baby girl. I do understand that our loss will take time to recover from, and who knows if you ever fully recover. But all in all, I'm doing pretty good in the present.