Friday afternoon I was sitting at the computer minding my own business when I got a really sharp pain on the left side of my abdomen. It was sharp enough for me to stagger to the couch and recline in an attempt to regain my breath....and it took a while to catch my breath. This was around 1:15.
I thought about it...what could it be? It was right in the location where my little boy resides...is my body rejecting him? Trying to expel him? What's going on?
I picked up the phone and called my OB; her office was closed for lunch. After a few minutes, I came to the conclusion that it was probably just indigestion or something like that. No big deal. Ajay called from work shortly thereafter and I told him what had happened. He said to definitely call the doctor again after the lunch hour.
I talked with one of Dr. K's nurses who was familiar with my history, and considering what we've been through, she didn't want me to take any chances and told me to go to the hospital. I'm thinking, okay, should I be worried? Because I'm feeling like this is a little bit of an over-reaction. I mean, it happened awhile ago and didn't happen again.
Ajay calls again and tells me he's done with his day early and heading home. I ask him to Guess what? They want me to go to the hospital! After his long week of gruelingly long days, the moment he's sprung from the hospital, I'm asking him to turn around and go back. So he picked me up, and back to the hospital we go.
When I arrived to L&D, they treated me like a real patient...they had me change into their butt-flashing gown. I had an ID bracelet and everything. Now I'm really feeling like this is silly and I want to go home...but they were taking it so seriously that I felt that I should stay. And not to mention, the whole time Ajay is telling me, hey, don't worry about it...the best thing that could happen is that nothing is wrong, and they can confirm that for us.
So they draw blood, have me pee in a cup, order an ultrasound. We wait. I take in the beautiful ocean view from the room. We wait. I turn on the TV...did you know you have to pay an extra $7 per day for cable in the hospital? Like, seriously!!! And nothing is on network television, of course. We wait. I read some of my book. And then the ultrasound lady shows up...she tells me they've ordered a full abdominal scan as well as a full baby scan.
She starts with scanning the baby. Everything is A-okay. At 22 weeks, she's measuring 23 weeks, and weighs a pound and a half. She looks healthy and very cute. They continue to scan my little boy, but I still can't handle looking at the screen...it's still too sad for me to see him, and I can tell by looking at Ajay's face that I don't want to see the screen during this part.
She has me sit up and continues scanning---this time of my abdomen....checking out my liver, gall bladder, kidneys, etc., etc., etc. She changes in between probes to look at different depths---everything checks out okay. Again she asks me to point to where the pain was...I pointed to it, and she put the ultrasound probe right on top of the area I pointed to.
She turned the screen so I could see it.
She enlarged the image.
I saw a foot.
I had been kicked. Hard.
Now I call my little girl Ronaldino.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Friday, March 28, 2008
Retail Therapy
My sister came to California for a visit over her Easter/Spring Break break from school (she's a teacher), so I've been tied up most of the week. She visited from Indiana, and we had a really good time together...mainly focused on retail therapy.
My sister and I shop well together. She's a tiny little thing...size 0, so it's fun to try things on her like a little doll---all the clothes that I couldn't, shouldn't, or wouldn't dare look fantastic on her little frame. So from store to store we went....me more looking than trying on because regular clothes don't really fit me anymore, and it's just no fun to try on my old size 6 (no prayer), then an 8 (still too tight), then a 10 (now we're getting somewhere, but still tight in the belly) a 12? still doesn't fit---too big in the shoulders and hanging on me in some places and then tight on the belly...and then the final realization that my body isn't shaped like a normal girl and none of the clothes will fit...until I make my special trip to the maternity store.
We walked into the Maternity Gap store and all the clothes looked like bed sheets compared to the tiny little cute things I'd been harvesting from the racks for my sister. No longer am I a XXL in this store...I'm a petite little Medium...my normal size! Forget that all the tops have enough fabric to cover an elephant...I'm just happy that some one is calling me a "medium"!
Finally in the end we hit Bloomingdale's Private Sale. Equipped with my Private Sale coupons, we browsed around awhile. I have a weakness for nice sunglasses, and to my utter surprise, sunglasses still fit the same!!! What a perfect product!!! I can try them all on and they all fit and none of them require me to ask the lady if they come in any larger sizes!!! So blissfully, I ended up not only with a fashionable pair of new designer glasses, but I also was able to take advantage of the Private Sale...so really I saved money...if you really think about it!!!
My sister and I shop well together. She's a tiny little thing...size 0, so it's fun to try things on her like a little doll---all the clothes that I couldn't, shouldn't, or wouldn't dare look fantastic on her little frame. So from store to store we went....me more looking than trying on because regular clothes don't really fit me anymore, and it's just no fun to try on my old size 6 (no prayer), then an 8 (still too tight), then a 10 (now we're getting somewhere, but still tight in the belly) a 12? still doesn't fit---too big in the shoulders and hanging on me in some places and then tight on the belly...and then the final realization that my body isn't shaped like a normal girl and none of the clothes will fit...until I make my special trip to the maternity store.
We walked into the Maternity Gap store and all the clothes looked like bed sheets compared to the tiny little cute things I'd been harvesting from the racks for my sister. No longer am I a XXL in this store...I'm a petite little Medium...my normal size! Forget that all the tops have enough fabric to cover an elephant...I'm just happy that some one is calling me a "medium"!
Finally in the end we hit Bloomingdale's Private Sale. Equipped with my Private Sale coupons, we browsed around awhile. I have a weakness for nice sunglasses, and to my utter surprise, sunglasses still fit the same!!! What a perfect product!!! I can try them all on and they all fit and none of them require me to ask the lady if they come in any larger sizes!!! So blissfully, I ended up not only with a fashionable pair of new designer glasses, but I also was able to take advantage of the Private Sale...so really I saved money...if you really think about it!!!
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
22 week development
Here's what Baby Center has to say about this week's development....
How your baby's growing
Your baby now looks like a miniature newborn, checking in at 10.9 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound. Her skin will continue to appear wrinkled until she gains enough weight to fill it out, and the fine hair (lanugo) that covers her head and body is now visible. Her lips are becoming more distinct, and the first signs of teeth are appearing as buds beneath her gum line. Her eyes are developed, though the iris (the colored part of the eye) still lacks pigment. Eyelids and eyebrows are in place, and her pancreas, essential for hormone production, is developing steadily.Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.
How your life's changing
You may start to notice stretch marks on your skin as your abdomen expands to accommodate your growing baby. Some pregnant women never get stretch marks, but at least half do. These small streaks of differently textured skin can range from pink to dark brown (depending on your skin color), and they become more apparent as pregnancy progresses. They can appear not only on your tummy, but also on your buttocks, thighs, hips, and breasts. Lotions won't prevent or eliminate them, but they help with any itching. Also, you may no longer be an "innie" — your navel is flat and may soon pop out. It will revert to its usual shape after birth.Another interesting skin quirk you may notice during pregnancy is something called vascular spiders. These are little areas of raised, reddish skin, with tiny branches. Commonly found on the face, neck, upper chest, and arms, they're caused by the higher levels of estrogen in pregnancy, and they usually disappear after delivery.
How your baby's growing
Your baby now looks like a miniature newborn, checking in at 10.9 inches (the length of a spaghetti squash) and almost 1 pound. Her skin will continue to appear wrinkled until she gains enough weight to fill it out, and the fine hair (lanugo) that covers her head and body is now visible. Her lips are becoming more distinct, and the first signs of teeth are appearing as buds beneath her gum line. Her eyes are developed, though the iris (the colored part of the eye) still lacks pigment. Eyelids and eyebrows are in place, and her pancreas, essential for hormone production, is developing steadily.Note: Every baby develops a little differently — even in the womb. Our information is designed to give you a general idea of your baby's development.
How your life's changing
You may start to notice stretch marks on your skin as your abdomen expands to accommodate your growing baby. Some pregnant women never get stretch marks, but at least half do. These small streaks of differently textured skin can range from pink to dark brown (depending on your skin color), and they become more apparent as pregnancy progresses. They can appear not only on your tummy, but also on your buttocks, thighs, hips, and breasts. Lotions won't prevent or eliminate them, but they help with any itching. Also, you may no longer be an "innie" — your navel is flat and may soon pop out. It will revert to its usual shape after birth.Another interesting skin quirk you may notice during pregnancy is something called vascular spiders. These are little areas of raised, reddish skin, with tiny branches. Commonly found on the face, neck, upper chest, and arms, they're caused by the higher levels of estrogen in pregnancy, and they usually disappear after delivery.
Friday, March 21, 2008
A new baby!
Congratulations to my brother Kevin and sister in law Merfe on their beautiful baby girl, Alison.
3-21-08
3-21-08Prenatal yoga
Okay....what was my post just a few days ago? About enjoying the now? And appreciating the present? Yeah, as you can see from my last post, there's a reason I need to go to yoga class to remind myself of that. I keep living in the future rather than the now. I guess I can't be blamed too much to be so excited to have our baby here at home with us...outside my body that is.
So...I went to my first prenatal class since Baby Boy died yesterday. I was happy to go to class, happy to be there, but once I got there I had second thoughts...and thirds...and fourths. See, the thing about yoga, especially prenatal, is that it forces you to slow down, breath, reflect, get in touch with yourself and where you are and what you're feeling.
My whole life, I've coped with various things by keeping busy, doing projects, being productive. Maybe that's my own way of pushing the pain away until it's softened enough to deal with. I am a Midwestern girl...I was taught to have a stiff upper lip. Growing up, our family didn't do so well at expressing emotion. My Mom expressed most emotions with anger...sadness, frustration, loss, impatience, you name it...they all came out as anger. My Dad was much more tender, but being a man raised in the 50's, it's not like he had much of a desire to help us explore and process and articulate our feelings. I mean that with no judgement or disrespect, it was just how people dealt with things in those times.
Yesterday during class, while searching for my yogic bliss, I came across a lot of sadness. I wanted to leave class within the first 20 minutes. My teacher guided us through calm, soothing breaths, and had us focus on expanding the space around our babies, giving them new space to enjoy...."focus on connecting with your baby", she said. My mind immediately went to "which one? the one that's kicking me or the one that's floating and decomposing?" Yes, a graphic thought, but I'm just being honest.
It's so sad. It's just so sad that there is that conflict in my mind and heart. I can be so happy one moment...all it takes is a thick kick in the ribs to make me smile. And at the same time, I realize Alia lies wholly on my right side, causing that side to stick out noticeably more than the left, because Baby Boy is still occupying the left side. His portion of my abdomen will continue to shrink, and I'm sure this detail isn't noticeable to the outside person, but it's painfully obvious to me.
I feel like mentally, I've accepted things...I've made it past denial, and I don't feel so angry anymore. But when I slow down and focus on everything, like in yoga class, I realize there is a lot of grief, and this is going to take a long time to get past.
So...I went to my first prenatal class since Baby Boy died yesterday. I was happy to go to class, happy to be there, but once I got there I had second thoughts...and thirds...and fourths. See, the thing about yoga, especially prenatal, is that it forces you to slow down, breath, reflect, get in touch with yourself and where you are and what you're feeling.
My whole life, I've coped with various things by keeping busy, doing projects, being productive. Maybe that's my own way of pushing the pain away until it's softened enough to deal with. I am a Midwestern girl...I was taught to have a stiff upper lip. Growing up, our family didn't do so well at expressing emotion. My Mom expressed most emotions with anger...sadness, frustration, loss, impatience, you name it...they all came out as anger. My Dad was much more tender, but being a man raised in the 50's, it's not like he had much of a desire to help us explore and process and articulate our feelings. I mean that with no judgement or disrespect, it was just how people dealt with things in those times.
Yesterday during class, while searching for my yogic bliss, I came across a lot of sadness. I wanted to leave class within the first 20 minutes. My teacher guided us through calm, soothing breaths, and had us focus on expanding the space around our babies, giving them new space to enjoy...."focus on connecting with your baby", she said. My mind immediately went to "which one? the one that's kicking me or the one that's floating and decomposing?" Yes, a graphic thought, but I'm just being honest.
It's so sad. It's just so sad that there is that conflict in my mind and heart. I can be so happy one moment...all it takes is a thick kick in the ribs to make me smile. And at the same time, I realize Alia lies wholly on my right side, causing that side to stick out noticeably more than the left, because Baby Boy is still occupying the left side. His portion of my abdomen will continue to shrink, and I'm sure this detail isn't noticeable to the outside person, but it's painfully obvious to me.
I feel like mentally, I've accepted things...I've made it past denial, and I don't feel so angry anymore. But when I slow down and focus on everything, like in yoga class, I realize there is a lot of grief, and this is going to take a long time to get past.
A new baby!!!!
This morning at 12:12 my niece, Alison, my brother's first child, was born. She weighed just under 7 pounds and is perfect. I can't wait to see her...my brother's wife is from the Philippines, and he's Caucasian, so I just know she's going to be gorgeous. I love Asian/Caucasian mixes...probably a good thing since our little girl will also be Asian Indian mixed with Caucasian!
While her birth is technically about them, I can't help but to get even more excited for my daughter to be born. Yesterday during checkout at a store, the cash register lady asked "when is your baby due?" When I told her July, she said, "oh, that's just around the corner!".
After leaving the store, I was thinking...."no, if this were June, or even July, that would be "just around the corner", but this is March...hellllo? I mean, if I could grow a marsupial pouch and deliver her kangaroo-style right now I would...just so I could see our little girl whenever I want and make sure she's safe and alive.
I am anxious....with what seems to be a long way to go. And seriously, my first trimester flew by. I was 12 weeks in the blink of an eye. But here I am in the middle...of the longest 2nd trimester ever! I still have a long way until I crack into the third trimester.
Okay....what was my post just a few days ago? About enjoying the now? And appreciating the present? Yeah, as you can see, there's a reason I need to go to yoga class to remind myself of that.
While her birth is technically about them, I can't help but to get even more excited for my daughter to be born. Yesterday during checkout at a store, the cash register lady asked "when is your baby due?" When I told her July, she said, "oh, that's just around the corner!".
After leaving the store, I was thinking...."no, if this were June, or even July, that would be "just around the corner", but this is March...hellllo? I mean, if I could grow a marsupial pouch and deliver her kangaroo-style right now I would...just so I could see our little girl whenever I want and make sure she's safe and alive.
I am anxious....with what seems to be a long way to go. And seriously, my first trimester flew by. I was 12 weeks in the blink of an eye. But here I am in the middle...of the longest 2nd trimester ever! I still have a long way until I crack into the third trimester.
Okay....what was my post just a few days ago? About enjoying the now? And appreciating the present? Yeah, as you can see, there's a reason I need to go to yoga class to remind myself of that.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Baby Changing Table Project
Yesterday the crib and changing table/dresser arrived. I couldn't wait to get started, so I chose to start on the dresser....seemed logical...it was the smaller of the two boxes.
Here's the crib box:
And the dresser/changing table:
The top removable baby changing station went together in a snap...the rest should be a breeze...right?
Except...holy crap! Look at all those pieces...I sense I might actually have to concentrate and follow the instructions!
I assembled the feet to the base of the dresser...
Assembled the side walls of the dresser to the back braces, and then installed the top two drawer guide gliders (note, I was tempted to install all three drawer gliders, but the directions said only the top two...and because I committed to following the directions, all of them, I did what they said and stopped with the top two)
Then I attached the top of the dresser to the sides, and then installed the backing to the dresser.
Then I installed the bottom drawer glider...why it was important to do this later rather than before, I have no idea...but look who's following the directions like a good girl!!!
I assembled the drawers, minding there were slots to slide in the base of the drawer...miraculously not a single side drawer component was assembled facing the wrong way, so everything slid right together.
I installed the drawer gliders to the drawer, again, miraculously they all ended up facing the right way, so that when it was time to put the drawers in the dresser....
the drawers all worked! Voila! The baby's first piece of furniture!
Here's the crib box:
And the dresser/changing table:
The top removable baby changing station went together in a snap...the rest should be a breeze...right?
Except...holy crap! Look at all those pieces...I sense I might actually have to concentrate and follow the instructions!
I assembled the feet to the base of the dresser...
Assembled the side walls of the dresser to the back braces, and then installed the top two drawer guide gliders (note, I was tempted to install all three drawer gliders, but the directions said only the top two...and because I committed to following the directions, all of them, I did what they said and stopped with the top two)
Then I attached the top of the dresser to the sides, and then installed the backing to the dresser.
Then I installed the bottom drawer glider...why it was important to do this later rather than before, I have no idea...but look who's following the directions like a good girl!!!
I assembled the drawers, minding there were slots to slide in the base of the drawer...miraculously not a single side drawer component was assembled facing the wrong way, so everything slid right together.
I installed the drawer gliders to the drawer, again, miraculously they all ended up facing the right way, so that when it was time to put the drawers in the dresser....
the drawers all worked! Voila! The baby's first piece of furniture!
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
21 week development
Babycenter.com says the following about this week's progress:
How your baby's growing:
Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long, the length of a carrot. If you're having a girl, her vagina is formed now, though it will continue to develop until birth. Your baby is really on the move now. Fetal researchers say babies move about 50 times an hour even while sleeping. All that movement helps stimulate your baby's physical and mental development. You may not notice 50 kicks, punches, and twirls during the day, but as you're settling down at night, don't be surprised if your little guy seems ready to dance the night away.
How your baby's growing:
Your baby now weighs about three-quarters of a pound and is approximately 10 1/2 inches long, the length of a carrot. If you're having a girl, her vagina is formed now, though it will continue to develop until birth. Your baby is really on the move now. Fetal researchers say babies move about 50 times an hour even while sleeping. All that movement helps stimulate your baby's physical and mental development. You may not notice 50 kicks, punches, and twirls during the day, but as you're settling down at night, don't be surprised if your little guy seems ready to dance the night away.
How your life's changing:
You're probably feeling pretty comfortable these days. You're not too big yet, and the usual aches and pains associated with early pregnancy are, for the most part, gone. Relax and enjoy it while you can — the third trimester will bring some mild discomfort from carrying a baby who is nearly full-term.That's not to say you don't have some minor glitches to deal with now. Increased oil production may have given you a mild case of acne, for example. If that's the case, be diligent about washing well with a gentle soap and water twice a day, but don't take any oral acne medications — or even use any topical acne products — without checking with your practitioner first.You're also prone to varicose veins now (especially if your mom has them). That's because pregnancy puts added pressure on the veins in your legs. (Your blood volume is increased and your uterus puts pressure on the inferior vena cava, the large vein that returns blood from the lower half of your body to your heart.) As if that's not enough, an increase in the hormone progesterone causes the walls of your blood vessels to relax, so as your baby and uterus grow, the veins can become more and more prominent. Varicose veins tend to worsen with each pregnancy, and while they're most likely to show up in your legs, they can also appear on your vulva.If your legs ache, put maternity support hose on first thing in the morning. Increasing your circulation with a brisk walk each day can also help, as can elevating your legs and sleeping on your left side with your feet propped up with a pillow.
Living in the Now
I'm doing better. The flowers that people sent us when we lost Baby Boy have started to die, and I think it might be time to consider tossing them. Strange thing about flowers that mark a sad event...flowers are inherently cheerful and brighten up your house, but when they are tied to mourning, it's different...they remind you of the people who care about you in your life, and they remind you of why they are there in the first place. I hesitate to throw them away for all of those reasons. I realize that throwing away wilted flowers is not setting aside my grief, but in a way, maybe that's what I'm hoping for.
Yesterday after my ultrasound, I spent some time walking around Fashion Island, which is our outdoor mall. It was such a pretty day, and I just felt like having some nice quiet me-time. I bought some more baby books for Alia, books that will teach her animals and colors. I like to imagine reading to her, and asking her, what color is the horse? And what does a horse say? I can't wait for her to get here.
At the same time, if I've learned anything from years of yoga classes, it's to live in the moment. Enjoy the now. Don't pin your happiness to the future, but enjoy the present, every breath of it. Don't dwell in the past. Focus on now. Appreciate where you are. Well, okay, let's see if I can reel myself in and stop projecting forward....focus on the now.
Well, I do like my big belly. I am so amused to look at it and to feel the warm tender spot where I know she lies. I do enjoy eating cookies and frozen yogurt, which is a new indulgence that I allow myself. I like being pregnant (especially now that I am beyond the morning sickness and headaches for the most part)...I love to think of Alia floating around in her little sac of fluid. I like to wonder what she's thinking, and if she's thinking yet. I love that I'm the one who gets to carry her around all day every day. I love that I'm her protector and in charge of her completely.
I love that when we sit on the couch at night and I raise my shirt to look at the roundness of my belly, Ajay puts his hand on my belly to share that time with his daughter. I love to wonder with Ajay what she'll look like, if she really will have his big ears like the ultrasound projects. Will she have Indian features and my skin tone? Or will she have my European features and Ajay's lovely skin tone? I love that I have started to feel her kick on the lateral and medial sides, beyond where her placenta lies. I love the tiny little socks that have cat's faces on the toes that my Mom sent. I love that we are so fortunate to have Alia, and I think I realize that even more after losing Baby Boy. I love that Alia has cousins on the way that she'll get to grow up with.
Here are some other things about the present that I struggle with...First and foremost and most obviously, I hate that we lost Baby Boy, and I hate that Alia lost her brother and possibly her best friend. I hate that my pregnancy happiness is conflicted and polarized between elation and devastation. I don't like that at any point I can have a trigger that brings tears to my eyes. I don't like that Baby Boy won't get to be a part of our family...I feel sorry for him. It's like he doesn't get to come with us on vacation...left behind while we move forward in our lives and grow our family. I hate that losing him could quite possibly ruin me if I let it.
I don't like the butt print on my couch when I get up...I mean, who's ass was that sitting where I was sitting??? Santa Claus? I don't like that my pants are a size (or two) bigger...even in maternity clothes---sure they say they're adjusted for pregnancy, but who are they? I don't like that I now fear buying baby things...after losing Baby Boy, and I had to return the double-strollers, the extra car seat, and the extra crib, crib bedding, and crib mattress, I became scared to buy anything. I still haven't decided on a single-stroller...I still can't bring myself to even begin looking again after all the Consumer Reports research and looking from store to store to find people that carried to elusive twin stroller (sure they have lots of strollers that will hold two, but not two newborns at a time, so they weren't truly twin strollers...a very deceptive characteristic that Mom's of twins have to focus in on.) I don't like that Ajay still has daily reminders at work of just how sad our loss is...just Friday one of the nurses who hadn't heard about Baby Boy asked him how the twins were doing...Ajay told her what happened, and she burst out in tears on the spot. When I heard this story, I thought that we shouldn't have told anyone...we should have waited longer to spread the word that we were expecting twins...but then I realize that we didn't do anything wrong...no one expects to lose a baby at the pregnancy's half way mark. I think that's the mind's way of trying to learn something from the pain, trying to prevent it in the future...but in reality we couldn't have known, and it's normal to share your happiness with friends and family and co-workers.
All in all, like I said, I'm doing better. I do my best to focus on the positives every day, and I still allow myself to love Alia more every day. I like that my fear of loss hasn't tempered my raw emotion for our baby girl. I do understand that our loss will take time to recover from, and who knows if you ever fully recover. But all in all, I'm doing pretty good in the present.
Yesterday after my ultrasound, I spent some time walking around Fashion Island, which is our outdoor mall. It was such a pretty day, and I just felt like having some nice quiet me-time. I bought some more baby books for Alia, books that will teach her animals and colors. I like to imagine reading to her, and asking her, what color is the horse? And what does a horse say? I can't wait for her to get here.
At the same time, if I've learned anything from years of yoga classes, it's to live in the moment. Enjoy the now. Don't pin your happiness to the future, but enjoy the present, every breath of it. Don't dwell in the past. Focus on now. Appreciate where you are. Well, okay, let's see if I can reel myself in and stop projecting forward....focus on the now.
Well, I do like my big belly. I am so amused to look at it and to feel the warm tender spot where I know she lies. I do enjoy eating cookies and frozen yogurt, which is a new indulgence that I allow myself. I like being pregnant (especially now that I am beyond the morning sickness and headaches for the most part)...I love to think of Alia floating around in her little sac of fluid. I like to wonder what she's thinking, and if she's thinking yet. I love that I'm the one who gets to carry her around all day every day. I love that I'm her protector and in charge of her completely.
I love that when we sit on the couch at night and I raise my shirt to look at the roundness of my belly, Ajay puts his hand on my belly to share that time with his daughter. I love to wonder with Ajay what she'll look like, if she really will have his big ears like the ultrasound projects. Will she have Indian features and my skin tone? Or will she have my European features and Ajay's lovely skin tone? I love that I have started to feel her kick on the lateral and medial sides, beyond where her placenta lies. I love the tiny little socks that have cat's faces on the toes that my Mom sent. I love that we are so fortunate to have Alia, and I think I realize that even more after losing Baby Boy. I love that Alia has cousins on the way that she'll get to grow up with.
Here are some other things about the present that I struggle with...First and foremost and most obviously, I hate that we lost Baby Boy, and I hate that Alia lost her brother and possibly her best friend. I hate that my pregnancy happiness is conflicted and polarized between elation and devastation. I don't like that at any point I can have a trigger that brings tears to my eyes. I don't like that Baby Boy won't get to be a part of our family...I feel sorry for him. It's like he doesn't get to come with us on vacation...left behind while we move forward in our lives and grow our family. I hate that losing him could quite possibly ruin me if I let it.
I don't like the butt print on my couch when I get up...I mean, who's ass was that sitting where I was sitting??? Santa Claus? I don't like that my pants are a size (or two) bigger...even in maternity clothes---sure they say they're adjusted for pregnancy, but who are they? I don't like that I now fear buying baby things...after losing Baby Boy, and I had to return the double-strollers, the extra car seat, and the extra crib, crib bedding, and crib mattress, I became scared to buy anything. I still haven't decided on a single-stroller...I still can't bring myself to even begin looking again after all the Consumer Reports research and looking from store to store to find people that carried to elusive twin stroller (sure they have lots of strollers that will hold two, but not two newborns at a time, so they weren't truly twin strollers...a very deceptive characteristic that Mom's of twins have to focus in on.) I don't like that Ajay still has daily reminders at work of just how sad our loss is...just Friday one of the nurses who hadn't heard about Baby Boy asked him how the twins were doing...Ajay told her what happened, and she burst out in tears on the spot. When I heard this story, I thought that we shouldn't have told anyone...we should have waited longer to spread the word that we were expecting twins...but then I realize that we didn't do anything wrong...no one expects to lose a baby at the pregnancy's half way mark. I think that's the mind's way of trying to learn something from the pain, trying to prevent it in the future...but in reality we couldn't have known, and it's normal to share your happiness with friends and family and co-workers.
All in all, like I said, I'm doing better. I do my best to focus on the positives every day, and I still allow myself to love Alia more every day. I like that my fear of loss hasn't tempered my raw emotion for our baby girl. I do understand that our loss will take time to recover from, and who knows if you ever fully recover. But all in all, I'm doing pretty good in the present.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)