Heaven

This weekend, Ajay was first call on Saturday, which meant he went in on Saturday morning for a 7:30 AM  case and didn't come home until the following morning at 7:30. This was the end to his first week back to work after having three weeks off... not quite the "welcome back" one would hope for, right?

Earlier in the week, Ajay had reminded me to take care of myself in addition to taking care of Alia. While I was thinking to myself "what? I think I took a shower most of the days this week, and I'm pretty sure my clothes are clean...or cleanish", Ajay went on to say that I needed to make sure that I find a little bit of time for myself.  After thinking about it a little more, I replied with "maybe I could get my nails done when you're home next?"

So Sunday morning, Ajay got back from the hospital and reminded me that I should go get my nails done like I wanted to. After many "are you sure?s" and "I don't have to go today..." Ajay assured me that I should go and take a few hours for myself.

I went up to the nail salon near my local Trader Joe's  thinking I could make the most out of my outing and drop by and pick up groceries on the way back. When I entered, I picked my color for my nails and toes very carefully, thinking this might be the last manicure I get....ever. Then, off to the big massage chair. I soaked my feet....ahhhhhh. They filed my nails....ahhhhhh. Then they asked if I would like the "Luxury Spa Package"....why....of course I would!!! A minty mask for my hands and feet plus exfoliation plus paraffin? How could I live without that? And then they asked "would you like shoulder massage?" Hmmmm, let me think...hell yes I would like shoulder massage...I want two shoulder massage!!!!

So when all was said and done, my little manicure had turned into nearly two hours of rubbing, scrubbing, massaging, de-callousing, and overall mental pampering. Never had I appreciated a mani-pedi so much. I felt like a new woman. It was the first time I had all to myself without one ear listening for Alia's cries in almost 6 weeks....what a wonderful day.

A letter from Ajay to Alia...

During one of his late nights with Alia, Ajay took some time to write down a few thoughts for his new little daughter...Here's what he had to say to her...

Try to look past the rough edges in people. Know that most are just doing the best that they can.

Know that not everyone is as smart as you, so have some sympathy for that. Other people may say or do things that seem mean to you. That is just becausethey may not understand themselves, let alone understand how to relate to you.

Try not to get too frustrated when things don't come easily or quickly. With your smarts, with a lot of work, and with time you will be able to do anythingyou want.

Never panic, you will be able to solve the problem.

Don't panic, at best you'll just annoy those around you. At worst, they will panic too.

Try not to complain. No one (other than your family) will really care, or even listen. Work out your own solutions to your problems, and put them in place.

Be as independant as you can.

Remember to laugh. There are a lot of really funny things out there.

Focus on things you enjoy, and then work to become good at them. If you are lucky then these will be things that society values, and you will be rewarded.

Breast Feeding Clinic

On Friday,  I went back to the hospital for a breastfeeding clinic...Alia's first outing since she came home. Here's what it takes to make it out for an hour long private lesson with a lactation consultant.... Ajay's got the Baby Sherpa backpack on his back, full of the reinforcements...change of outfits, pumped breast milk, pacifiers, burp cloths, a whole package of wipes, my vitamin water because I get very thirsty when I pump/nurse, receiving blankets, and Alia's intake/output log, The small green bag in Ajay's right hand is one of my favorite things I received as a gift (from Evelyn and Iman) ...it's a very portable diaper changing station, with a roll-our mat, room for diapers, wipes, and disposable baggies to confine all that extra smelly goodness. And finally, in Ajay's left hand is my Sprite, which keeps me from getting car sick in the event Ajay ends up driving (and no, that's not a comment on Ajay's driving at all...I just get car sick no matter whose driving).

So after packing up all that stuff for about 20 minutes, we borrowed our neighbor Jim's SUV because Maya and my Mom took my car on an over-night adventure. We loaded up the car and set out on our first adventure outside our house since bringing the little one home. We quickly found out that Alia is a very good passenger...she nodded off to sleep almost immediately which was a big relief, because the lady at the Breast Feeding Clinic told me not to give her a full meal, just give her a partial feeding so that she's somewhat hungry when she arrives.

My hope was that the people at this breast-feeding clinic could help me get Alia latched on. I was hopeful, but realistic...she's been bottle feeding my expressed breast milk now for 10 days, with no significant time spent actually latched on to my breast. When I arrived at the Clinic, I found three nurses in their fifties ready to help. We put one of those special pillows around my waist and got ready to attach the little one. She didn't cooperate. Immediately Alia showed them her true colors and turned bright red, began crying and crying, and would not latch on . This continued for about 29 minutes, until we were all defeated and ready to throw in the towel; I told them I was just going to give her some of her bottle because she was too upset to work with us. They agreed.

One of the ladies was late for a meeting. The other lady began helping other struggling Moms. My lady stuck with us. After giving Alia a small taste of her bottle, we tried to place her on my breast again. She struggled. We struggled. We identified that she curls up her tongue and actually blocks the entry to her mouth. In the end, Alia was bright red and upset...tears rolling down her sweet little cheeks. I pulled out my bottle of breast milk that I had brought along and gave her half of it just to calm her down. 

And that's when it happened. Once she calmed down, we slowly placed on the breast feeding pillow in front of me. Within a minute, she was fully latched on and feeding away. Miraculous! After she drained that breast, we successfully switched her to the other side. Again...miraculous. She fed like a champ.

So in the end, we drove home, feeling accomplished. Our girl could in fact do it...you can teach an old dog new tricks!

Here's the little one in the car seat on her first adventure out of the house since being brought home from the hospital.

And here's Ajay, giving me "that look"... suggesting we get on with it and get to the clinic before the little one starts to cry...

Ajay's 40th

This weekend we threw Ajay a birthday dinner party for 30 of our close friends (and their kids). I can honestly say that my involvement in the planning and execution was very minimal. Aside from saying "Lebonese sounds great" and "how about chocolate cake?", my input was hardly up to my previous standard of controlling every single decision. Instead, I've learned since Alia was born that in order to keep your head on, you have to learn to 1) delegate and 2) not care so much.

For example...old Andrea...would have planned the menu, called the caterer (or even cooked it entirely by myself), picked up the food, made sure each and every serving dish was spotless and coordinated perfectly before placing it on the buffet or setting the table. The old Andrea would have been there to open the door for every guest. The old Andrea would have taken part in all of the eating and drinking and mingled the night away, making sure to speak to each and every guest. The old Andrea would have cleared the table at the end of the night. The old Andrea would make sure that the dishwasher was run at least once or twice before bed. The old Andrea would have been up at dawn unloading the dishwasher, reloading it, put away serving pieces, wiped down all the dining furniture, and swept or mopped beneath.

The new Andrea? Not so much. First of all, Ajay called in the order for both the food and the cakes. Yes...for his own party. We asked that his brother pick up the cakes on his way down from L.A., and asked his Dad to pick up the food on his way over. Ajay's brother and Dad both arrived about an hour before the other guests, at which time I was still in the shower....Alia's bath took precedent over my own.
 
The old Andrea...never met a good (or just decent) bottle of wine that I couldn't finish. The new Andrea? Very selective in choosing my very favorite single glass of wine for maximum enjoyment, and times the consumption of said wine to be immediately after my last breast pumping so that I'll have 3 hours for it to clear out of my system before my next pump.

Okay, back to the party...when the first guests started to arrive, I was in my bedroom pumping my breast milk. Yes, another blog on that at another time...she's still not latching on so I'm still pumping about 6-8 times per day. I finally got Alia dressed in her very cute pink and white and yellow dress with matching underpants and a pink cardigan and took her out to the kitchen. it was really fantastic to get to share Alia with all the people that are so important in our lives. Seeing the happiness on everyone's faces was so wonderful.

However, as more people came, I got a little overwhelmed. I felt a little uncomfortable that so many people really wanted to hold her...but she's only 10 days old! And hasn't had her immunizations! Okay, I know that I'm being an overprotective freak, but seriously, the day we brought her home to my Mom, sister, Maya and a couple of close friends, Alia got seriously overly-stimulated by all the noise and attention and being held by different people. So the last thing I wanted to do was start passing the baby from person to person and have a very upset baby on my hands within the hour. So I politely just held on to her and told people "maybe later"...but later is always later, isn't it? 

Okay, so as the night went on, I finally relaxed. My Mom offered to hold the baby in my room and shelter her from the crowd of admirers. I joined the party around 10 PM, enjoyed singing Happy Birthday to Ajay, had a fantastic glass of Plumpjack, which I'd been waiting for for over nine months, and quietly snuck back to my bedroom and went to sleep while the party was still in full force. I know...how things change, right?

One Word: Waft

Ajay and I are currently splitting the night time duties of Alia-care. He's taken three weeks off vacation to spend with her. Our nights usually involve me on duty until 3 AM or so, and he takes over from there into the morning. 

Allow me to qualify this next bit...we are new parents. We're learning. But we're not always very bright. Take for instance tonight. I just fed Alia the final feed on my shift and was pumping milk for her next meal. I was hooked up to my bilateral pump when I heard Little Miss make a suspicious noise involving her cute little bottom. Since I was hooked up to the bilateral pump, I told Ajay "I think she pooped". He was already awake, returning from the bathroom himself, and came immediately to her bassinet next to my side of the bed and began to pick her up to go change her. 

I told him, "hang on...smell first in case it's a false alarm". My thinking was she had just gone back to sleep and it could have just been wind...in which case he would be waking up a sleeping baby for no reason...right?

Ajay leans over the bassinet and inhales like he's smelling chocolate cake. It was the single largest smell attempt I'd frankly ever witnessed. He immediately retreated, making dry heaving sounds. He retreated to the bathroom, pacing, trying to create a little space between himself and what he had just smelled. Finally 3 or 4 minutes later he returned...green.

I asked Ajay if he remembered 7th grade science class...where we learned to investigate with the scientific method...using all of our senses...including our sense of smell. Then I asked if the word "waft" rang a bell.

Overheard

Ajay (while holding Alia): Ohhhhh...what's that face for?

Alia: whining sounds

Ajay: Oh, I understand...Daddy smells like a Turkey sandwich....you like Mommy's smell better...she smells like cookies.

PC or MAC?

Last week, Maya and I hit the Apple store to shop for a new laptop for Ajay for his 40th birthday, which is just around the corner. He has had the Powerbook G4 for about 4 years, and is a true Apple convert. When it became clear that his computer had seen better days, there was no question in his mind that he would replace what he had with a new version of the exact same thing.

Me? I've always been a PC person. I am no expert, but you could say that I'm very computer savvy. I am proficient in all that Microsoft has to offer. I like to right-click my mouse, which I see as one of the major limiting factors of the Apple line.

That was before.

Before what? Well, before spending a few hours in the Apple store. When we bought the computer, we also decided to by Apple's One-to-One program which allows you to come in once a week for an hour and have one-to-one tutoring on anything you want to learn about on your Apple machine. How about that? So Ajay and I had our first session on Sunday morning and can I just say WOW????

I mean, I've always heard that Apple is much more user-friendly and more integrated than a PC. But for me, I guess I just didn't get it---I felt proud that I could happily navigate through all the obstacles my old PC threw at me. Who needs something so easy when you have decades of problem-solving under your belt??? I mean, can we say lazy?

During this first One-to-One session, we ran through all sorts of programs that came with the computer...from amazing photo capability with iPhoto, to the interface with my free iTouch that came with the computer to making our own music, we were like creative kids in a candy store! Maybe...just maybe....I'll create a photo book of our wedding photos before our 4 year anniversary!

The only sad part is that I'm afraid Ajay will never get to use his new computer...he'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hand.

My tattoo

Friday night we went to dinner at a restaurant in a counter-culture outdoor mall. It's one of our favorite places to eat.

Looking around, we noticed that every single "young person" was tattooed and/or facially pierced. Ajay and I discussed the fact that our generation missed out on the tattoo trend by a few short years....while some of my friends are tattooed, it's more of the peace-sign-on-the-ankle variety rather than full sleaves, fully colored Starry Night by Van Gogh.

Anyway, we talked on about the prominance tattoo placement...in my 20-something years, tattoos were placed in a location where they could be covered up without much effort...the tattoos of choice would be on your ankle, butt or back of your shoulder, which was more daring because what if you wanted to wear a strapless dress in your friend's wedding? What then? How do you prude it up and hide your bad-girl ways?

Given the prominance of modern day tattoo placement, wouldn't you have to make damn sure that your tattoo said something about who you are, boiled down to the core element of your being? Wouldn't you need to do a decade of transendental meditation to figure out just what this element would be that so clearly defines you? And with that said, do you really have that much time under your belt by your 20-something years to really know what you are at your core? Or is that just me in my 30-something mind over-thinking it and over emphasizing the permanence of the life defining tattoo? Perhaps this is the exact reason I never got a tattoo...well, that, and I don't feel that committed to any particular reproducable, tattooable image that I've come across in this lifetime.

So Ajay and I talked and laughed and continued to explore this topic for quite some time, and finally we got on the topic of "if you had to choose an image to tattoo on your forearm, what would the image be that best defines your essense, love, your reason for being?"


My response?


"...............I dunno...................cake?"

Shhhh, I'm sleeping

I realize I've been really lax on writing over the past week or so...my stories and perceptions about things related to pregnancy have become lack luster or non existent. There is a reason why.

I've been sleeping. All the time. This past weekend, I had to take a 3 hour nap during the daytime to be able to join friends Friday night for dinner at 7 p.m. Because dinner at 7 means that I'd probably have to stay awake and participate in conversation until at least 9:30...maybe even 10!!!!

On Saturday, Ajay wanted to go to a wine tasting---it was the "big one" of the year...they would be opening some great and pricey stuff. Ajay deserves to spend his very few days off in ways that he enjoys, and I wanted him to be able to go. However, knowing that I can no longer tolerate the smell of red wine (I know...it's insane...I'm the biggest wine-o I know when I'm not pregnant, and now this????), and knowing that Ajay would enjoy the tasting much more with a friend, I offered to drop him and a friend off at the tasting and would then run some errands. That would also assure that they could have a very good time and not worry about driving home. So we decided that the plan was excellent, and on Saturday, I dropped them off at the tasting.

With the car to myself and at least a few hours to accomplish my errands, I headed off to Home Depot to pick up a carpet rake for my new shag rug...it's shedding so much that it's too much work for our vacuum. Home Depot should have been about 5-10 minutes from the tasting...but I forgot...it's the holiday season and everyone on the road is on a mission to run each other down in search of the perfect present to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus.

So I arrived at in Home Depot about 25 minutes later. Up and down the aisles I went, only to find that they did not have the shag carpet rake. I asked one useless person after another, all who said, Oh, I just saw them over there!....only to not be able to show me where that was. Finally a guy told me, yeah, ummmm, we don't, ummm, like, ummm, have those no more. Great.

So I left Home Depot. I had to pee for the 40th time that day. I drove without purpose and finally decided to stop at Wendy's to use the bathroom, and maybe grab a snack. After using their bathroom, I realized nothing would ever sound good from Wendy's, so I left. I got back in the car, headed back to the wine tasting, called Ajay and asked him how it was going. He said they were half way through, and they were having a nice time. Excellent. I pulled into the parking lot, reclined my seat, and fell asleep until he called again an hour later.

I swing the car around and pick them up. What did you do while we were there, he asked. Oh, not much...you know...slept in the car, went pee...the usual.

Bluuuuuuugh!

This morning I woke up to the sound of rain. Normally that is a wonderful sound...we are always bordering on desperation for rain here in Southern California. Our house has a lot of skylights, and normally I LOVE the way rain sounds when it comes down.



So peaceful, so restful, such a wonderful sound.....rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrip (that's the sound of a needle skidding across a record) STOP EVERYTHING! Crap!!! We still hadn't ordered the tarp to cover our new outdoor furniture!!! It's out there getting pounded by rain.


I jump up and pull on my Uggs....bending over I feel something trying to come up from my stomach. Bluuuugh. I feel yucky. I open the door to see how much rain has come down. A lot...and it's still coming down. Ajay is also aware that we (meaning "I") didn't get around to having a tarp made to protect the furniture. I hate it when he's aware of one of things that I didn't get done...I know it sounds silly but I hate to feel like I didn't do my job...to be fair, he does do a really good "I'm disappointed, not mad"....which I'm sure will haunt our adult children 30 years from now. Anyway, after the rain slows to a sprinkle, I run out and start drying off the table...mind you it's 6 a.m. I must look like an obsessive compulsive nutjob! Realize that with every wipe of the table, I am dry heaving and hoping I don't barf on it too. To my utter delight, the water has beaded up perfectly and has not penetrated the table....just like they promised. No damage. Wonderful! I find some big sheets of plastic that we saved from when our couch was delivered and do my best to cover the newly dried table. And then I run inside to try to barf in the sink. Nothin'. Once again, just Bluuuuugh feeling.

Second Class Citizen

Ajay: Are you cold, LaLa?

Me: (standing in front of the fireplace, turning it on) Not really.

Ajay: If you're not cold, why......?

Me: Pooh wants it on

(Pooh's favorite pastime is to lay on her back and bake her belly in front of the fire)

Ajay: Pooh wants it on? (Shaking his head)

Me: What? Pooh can't have the fire on if she wants it on?

Ajay: No.

Me: Why not?

Ajay: Because Pooh is a cat.

I might be a freak

me: You did it wrong.

Ajay: I did what wrong?

me: You covered up wrong.

Ajay: How do you cover up wrong?

me: (fixing his error) The sheet was folded back...you have to unfold it and then pull the duvet up. Like this! See? Isn't that better?

Ajay: Thank goodness you're here. I was so uncomfortable that I didn't even know it.

A New Frontier of Dating OR An Evening of Time Travel into the Future

Ajay asked what I wanted to do for dinner, and before he finished his sentence, I was enthusiastically replying "Let's go out! Let's go out! Let's go out!" Yesterday was the first day I was allowed to leave the house after my embryo transfer.

One would think that leaving the house for the first time in 8 days that we would want to do it right, get dressed, go to a nice place, etc. We discussed going to either Brussels Bistro which would require both of us to shower, and Wahoo's, which would not. Then a commercial for Ruby's came on the TV. Ajay asks, "Have you ever been to Ruby's?" My girlfriends and I frequented Ruby's for breakfast and a beer after a long night of boozing and debauchery about a decade ago. "Yes", I reply. "Is it good?" he asks. "Sure," I said, "I mean, it's burgers and stuff, you know, casual". Ajay says, "let's go there." We can establish commercials work.

I put on some of the ugliest clothes I have ever seen...my camouflage pants, (because they and a pair of huge jeans are the only ones that fit other than sweats, or "yoga pants" as my friend Jen insists on calling them) a bright blue long sleeve t-shirt, and then a black turtle neck sweater over that. With my new bigger distended belly (is it the drugs or babies drugs or babies drugs or babies drugs or babies?) neither shirt is quite long enough. Oh, and don't forget the turquoise Jack Purcell Converse, because my outfit wasn't ugly enough before. I look hideous...HI-DEE-US!!!

We arrive at Ruby's....the parking lot is packed at 6:00 p.m. on a Friday night. We hear a dull roar from the parking lot. As we open the door, we're blinded by fluorescent lights and a frenzied tornado of activity and hundreds, maybe thousands of miniature people. Every table had them! They were loud. They were messy. They were in constant motion. The big people at the table with the little people looked really tired. Not to toot my own horn (toot toot), but I am a knock out in my make up and clean clothes; the other big people have stains and spilled milk all over them. This was no fairytale. This is not the Ruby's full of drunk 20-somethings on Sunday morning...this was not MY Ruby's.

We were seated at a booth carefully constructed in shiny red vinyl. The hostess pointed to plastic covered menus behind the napkin dispenser. Looking at the menu, I slowly realized there was a reason for the throngs of small people...they LOVE hamburgers, fried fish, sliders, and onion rings. And there was even beer for the big people, and interestingly, every single big person had a half full one of those in front of them.

After we ate our sliders and fried fish, we walk happily comatose back to our very grown up sporty coupe with the big boy engine. Ajay is laughing. He says, are you ready for that to be our big night out?

Eat your yogurt

Clearing the table this morning, I noticed the fruit in the bottom of the yogurt was still in there, but the yogurt was gone.

me: "you don't stir the fruit into the yogurt?"

Ajay: "it's loaded with sugar"

me: "this coming from the man who eats leftover cake icing on a spoon directly from the refrigerator?"

Ajay: "that's different. cake icing is delicious."