In the last month I've really learned a lot. First, I've learned a lot of things about myself. Before having Alia, I didn't know what kind of Mom I could expect myself to be. I've always hoped that I could be patient, loving, sweet, and understanding. I've wanted to be empathetic, sympathetic, supportive and kind.
These things stand out because they are things that I didn't always feel from my Mom growing up. She was a very young parent with all the limitations associated with that, and while my Mom took great care of us...we never missed a dentist appointment or doctor's appointment, and always made sure that we could bring a snack on our birthday for all of our classmates, I felt that she didn't have much in the patience area by the time I came around. Again, we're talking about a lady who had 3 kids by the time she was 26, and I was the last of them...no wonder she was maxed out. And the reason I bring this up isn't resentment or to point out shortcomings that may or may not be only my perception. I bring it up because I've focused on wanting to be more of a soft spot to land for my own children. And although we've only had Alia in our lives for a month, I've found that so far, my role as a parent is whatever I want it to be.
I've always heard that we turn into our parents. I suppose in some way I've been afraid of that. And again, that's not to say that my parents were bad parents...I just think as an adult with a new child, I'd be completely alone in my peers if I didn't reflect on what I'd like to do better.
I've learned that I get to choose who I will be to my daughter. I can be all the things I want to be...it's my choice. I've learned that when it comes to this new little helpless and completely dependant little person, I can find sweetness to respond to her cries with, no matter what time of night it is or how little sleep I've had.
I have learned that I really don't need 8 hours of sleep a night, preferably 9. I've learned that my cleaning lady is completely capable of changing the sheets on our bed, and that it's not the end of the world that she doesn't understand the importance of using fabric softener. I've learned that there are a lot of things can be delegated, and it's not the end of the world if some one brings home the wrong kind of milk. I've learned that a clean kitchen is still and will probably always be a non-negotiable for me; but it might be 8 PM before I can get around to making everything to my liking. I've learned that my husband is pretty great when it comes to our new BBQ grill. I've learned that make up is not a requirement; it is a luxury. I've learned when in doubt, brush your teeth...you may have done it this morning when you got up, but that might have been yesterday that you're remembering. I've learned to make the full pot of coffee rather than 6 or 8 cups...you never know when a little re-heated coffee or iced coffee will come in handy.
Regarding Alia, I've learned a lot about her in a month, too! I've already mentioned that she hates to have a dirty diaper changed, but doesn't mind a pee-pee diaper change. She likes her hair washed but hates baths. She has a primal need to have her hands near her face and something to suck on. Alia is a very cuddly girl. She can be wide awake and fussy and resisting a nap, and then if she's placed on my chest on her belly, she'll fall right to sleep (sometimes:)). Alia has a very intense little scowl when she's trying to figure things out. Alia has very limited patience when it comes to feeding time...if she wakes up, there better be a plan or a bottle very nearby! Alia doesn't like her feet or legs covered or swaddled...no matter that they feel cool to the touch. I used to think she was just active and the blankets got kicked off by accident but now I know better.
Our little baby is changing so fast. I noticed yesterday that she is developing the typical baby double chin. Her little thighs that were once tiny like little insect legs are now becoming chunkier. She's turning into a real baby!
I have mixed feelings about this transition from newborn floppy baby to the more chunky Gerber baby...as if my mind has grasped just how fast these changes have happened and is trying to warn me to drink every drop of this time with her because before we know it she'll need her own gas card and postage for her college applications!
Over the last month, I feel like I've grown more and learned more than any prior month.....ever. Learning to care for a baby and learning that the reason I'm here is to care for our next generation is a huge thing to really comprehend. It's been an amazing month.
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