Do other Mommies feel like their sweet baby was kidnapped and replaced by a whining clone?

Boy, I don't even know where to start. My brain is so fried today I doubt I have any cohesive thoughts. Okay, here's the deal. Alia...my sweet, lovely, muffin, monkey-pants has been a different sort of baby lately.

Not this, THAT!

Not that...THIS!

I don't want to eat. I want to play.

I don't want to play with that...I want to be held.

Put me down!

Why did you put me down? Waaaaaah!


Now granted all of Alia's communication has been of the non-verbal type, considering the only word she says reliably is Wow!! (which she only whispers...cute, right?). I just feel so out of synch with her. Used to (and by this I mean like, last week), I was the bomb at interpreting Alia's every emotion, desire and whim. Now? I feel like a stranger. Who is this whiney girl? What has she done with my sweet sweet girl? And am I bad mother for thinking "I want the old one back! The one that tilts her head at me and smiles her sweetest smile just because she caught a glimpse of Mommy...."

This whole change in Alia has been building over the past week...last night I actually had the Sunday night blues; like back when I was working, and I knew I had to go to work on Monday. Only this time? I had the blues because I knew Ajay would be returning to work and I would be with Alia solo all day today....I knew the challenge of the whining, crying, and demanding of God knows what was right around the corner, and I had no idea how to deal with it.

I realize I'm not the only parent in the world to feel frustrated and saddened that my Mommy Magic seems to have run out. I just thought it might have lasted until Alia's Terrible Twos. I mean, c'mon! Alia is not even 11 months old yet! I thought I'd have my sweet baby for a little longer than this!

Now here's the kicker. As an infertile that went through a whole hell of a lot to get Alia, I also feel that there is this unspoken code among us infertiles...that we're never supposed to feel frustrated, that we're never supposed to complain about our kids, because after all, we went through a lot to get them, are lucky to have them, and some women aren't so lucky and would do anything to have a little beautiful 11 month old yelling at them all day. See? Like I said, my brain is fried. I don't know what to do with these feelings and emotions. If I complain, I feel ladened with guilt. But if I want to remain true to myself and my blog, doesn't that mean sharing what's on my mind? The truth is I'm being really challenged by my baby. The truth is she's quite a handful right now. The truth is I'm doing my best and I feel like I'm not even on the right track.

And if that's not enough stress and guilt, there's also the fact that in ohhhh, another 5 months, Alia's sister will arrive.

What? Me Worry?

Let's talk about pregnancy. I am 17 weeks along. I think I've mentioned that a few times over the last few days. And reading up on other people's blogs, I realize that I haven't taken a single belly shot this entire pregnancy. Furthermore, after graduating from Dr. H's care at 12 weeks, I don't think I've bothered to scan in and share any of my more recent ultrasounds. And I have to ask myself...why not?

I suppose it's because my first pregnancy wasn't so long ago. I went through all the firsts of a first time pregnancy less than a year ago. So I suppose there just isn't the same amount of excitement about desperately having to pee, desperately needing a cookie, desperately needing whatever.

But that's not to say that I'm not excited. I am. I totally am. The main difference, I suppose, is this time I'm much calmer. More at peace. And didn't have to go through almost three years of infertility treatments and drugs to get knocked up. My body decided to throw me a bone this time. So I guess this is what it might feel like for all those other girls.

I think another big difference is that I know what's ahead of me, and I know I can handle it. I am capable of functioning on very little sleep. I am capable of figuring out what a newborn needs with all their mixed wires. I am comfortable knowing that I do babies really well! Although I am still a hyper-planner when it comes to certain things, I find myself holding off on ordering the new crib...you remember the old one? Well I'm ordering another one since the girls will be sharing the same room. And the bedding? That's already decided too! Oh, and a double stroller? Figured that out yesterday. I think I'll order it when we get back from Turkey. Whatever.

See? I'm still me...only minus the annoying hyperactive must-do-everything-now part of my personality. Right now I'm happy to enjoy sitting here with my feet up and typing out my thoughts about things. Strollers can wait.

Our first stand off

The other evening, it was time for Alia's bath. The routine usually goes something like this....I get the water going, apply the proper amount of suds, gather the appropriate toys, lotion, diapers, wash cloth, bath towel, and cushion for drying Alia on while Ajay gets Alia undressed, usually on the kitchen island.

So on this particular night, Alia was grumbling away. Whining. I hate whining. There's nothing worse to me that hearing whining. And Alia's whine is exceptional. It hits the perfect pitch that nearly blinds me and crosses my eyes at the same time. 

So as the whining began---her little protest----I decided I'd had enough for one day and said "Alia? No whining." I said it in a matter-of-fact way, not an emotional reaction. A statement of how things were to be. And she looked up at me and whined one more time. To this I responded with Noooo. And to this she responded Yaaaaaah. I cracked a smile, and repeated Noooo. And she smiled and said YAAAAH! All the while, she is standing on the kitchen island (Ajay holding her in a standing position, that is) in only her diaper....belly sticking out, her little butt sticking out, and her index finger in her belly button. Now if that wasn't a site. And talk about the perfect combination of imagery and delivery. I'd say that Alia won that debate, but since we both got what we wanted, and Alia's whines turned into laughter, I'll call it a win-win.

Do they have babies in Turkey?

Today while Alia napped, I got busy planning. Since I've already traveled in a plane with Alia a couple of times, I know just how much planning it takes. And those were domestic trips. This will be Alia's first big trip outside the country, where I don't speak the language, and the locals barely speak my language. So like a good girl scout, I want to be prepared!

First, let's talk about milk versus formula...Alia will turn 1 when we're in Turkey, which is, from my understanding, typically when you change from formula to whole milk. However, since fresh whole milk is hard to come by in Turkbuku, and they mainly carry that strange shelf-stable type of milk, I'm thinking we'll stick with formula until we're back in the U.S. So with that in mind, I began my neurotic, Type-A calculating. We'll be gone for count them 1-2-3-....23 days. And if Alia has about four 8 ounce bottles per day, that's like, 92 bottles for the entire time we're away. 

Now, let's think about the options. Option 1 would be to throw caution to the wind an expect to be able to find some sort of formula for Alia. Okay. How many things can go wrong with this? I mean, I'm sure they have formula...but Alia's only had her brand of organic formula her whole life...is it really such a good idea to try something new while abroad where communication is challenging and her pediatrician is really really far away if she doesn't tolerate it? So we'll bring her formula with us. How do we go about this process? Well, one option would be to throw a bunch of canisters in my bag, and hope that I have enough. But the option I chose was meticulously calculating how many bottles could be made per canister. Okay...so I'll need about 4 of the mother load sized canisters. Done.

 Right? Well, sure, we could be done there, but let's think this through....do I really want to carry a whole freaking canister of formula onto the airplane, and pray that some flight attendant will give me the water that I need when I need to mix it? I imagined my rowdy girl kicking over the mother load size canister and leaving me to sit in sticky milk dust for 17 hours. That's when I thought of the to-go packets. Each to-go packet makes a 4 ounce bottle. Less waste...less bulk. MUCH easier to carry in the carry-on. But still, we have the problem of getting water when we need it in flight. That's when I thought of the pre-mixed 8-ounce nursers. Oh yeah, now we're talking. Aside from needing the check on the liquid regulations for baby formula, I think we'll be going that route for the flights, and then doing the to-go packs for the rest of the trip. Decision made. And see? Hardly any neurosis. HA! Seriously...you should see the math worksheet I did to calculate Alia's 23-day supply of formula needs, as broken down by canister, pre-made nursers and to-go packets. Actually, you should see my worksheet....here you go:



Now let's talk diapers, wipes and face wipes. If my calculations are correct, we'll need roughly 10 diapers per day for 23 days, or 230 diapers. That breaks down to two xtra large cases. And while we're at it...wipes. Shouldn't I consider taking those with me too? Let's say I'll need 2 wipes per diaper change. That's about 460 wipes. And with 88 wipes per pack, I'll need 6 packs of wipes. And now that we're talking about keeping baby clean, how long will we be in transit? Shouldn't I consider some baby face wipes too? Three packs of those ought to do it.

Now that we've got the basics figured out, let's place the order! I mean, sure it seems like we're taking a lot of stuff along with us, but Alia gets her own suitcase since we bought her a seat on the plane, so we should have plenty of space...I mean, after all, her clothes don't take up too much room! Right?
Okay, maybe I overdid it. Maybe they do in fact have babies in Turkey, and I'll bet they have diapers, too. 

Okay...I might have been wrong...

Since Alia was born, I have had it in my mind that I would not be a hyper-baby-scheduling Mom. I had seen several Moms I know dashing to this class and that class at the expense of naps and feedings and proper together time for what? For an art class for a 7 month old or a "free play" class with a 3 month old. It all seemed ridiculous to me, and yeah, I'll say it....a waste of money. After my first Mommy and Me Yoga Class, I made up my mind that that sort of thing just wasn't for us.

That said, I've been noticing that Alia is short tempered these days. If I put her down, she shouts baby obscenities at me. If I place her in her play pen so I can pour myself some coffee, more shouting. Pretty much, if I do anything other than tap dancing and puppet shows for her enjoyment, I get yelled at. She makes herself clear...she's bored.

So today as we watched the rain sprinkle down, I realized that Knott's Berry Farm was not going to happen. Ajay suggested the mall, which is in no way a bad suggestion....it seems to be what I come up with at least once a week. But for some reason, I realized that there was a noon class at Gymboree for 10 month olds. I suggested it, and we were off.

So we get there, and Alia's eyes light up. The class begins, and she begins shrieking with happiness. She loves the colors and balls and stimulation. She's in heaven! Sure, she's the biggest little person in the class for this age group....6-10 months....but it's perfect for her. She enjoyed the free time to explore the different equipment. She enjoyed sitting in a big circle and playing with the parachute. She enjoyed watching all the bubbles. My baby was happy!!! Forget that she had to poop in the middle of class and cried like she was being tortured when we pulled her from the circle to change her....it was all better when we got her back to what she was doing.

So all in all? a very god experience for all of us. And who knew that you only had to go once a week if you want...it doesn't have to be 3 classes per day for a 5 day old baby. You get to decide how committed you want to be. So I guess I was wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. I said it. Happy?

Is it just me?

I'm a sucker when it comes to free shipping. For everything I order online, from diapers and formula to birthday presents and miscellaneous products, I always look for free shipping. I will up my order to meet the requirement, which, I realize, is NOT saving me money, but that's another discussion for another day. Anyway, I may have reached my limit.

See, it's Amazon.com. I've been buying stuff on Amazon since I can remember. Books, specialty skin products that I'd have to drive into L.A. for, Alia's extra special favorite sleepy time friend (yes, that would be her sleep sak)...you get the idea.

This week I was online looking for a replacement of Alia's favorite pop-up book. See, with Alia's enthusiasm, there's hardly anything left that pops up...it's all been torn out in her bouts of glee. Anyway, I find the book. Available new or used from $3.99. Add on the Ergo baby carrier that my friend swears is waaaay better than the Baby Bjorn, which Alia outgrew at about 6 months (to be honest, it tweaked my back way before then, but I loved having use of both arms and suffered through it), and we have free shipping.

Ooops, hold on. If I choose the lowest price new book at $3.99, it does not receive free shipping. Only if I buy the Amazon book at $9.99 does the free shipping apply. Okay, a few clicks and we're there. I buy the book for $6 more than I need to pay, but hey, free shipping on the entire order, right? Right!

So today, after waiting for my Ergo carrier to arrive, I decide to check the status on my delivery. HUH?! It expects to ship somewhere around June 15th? But I placed the order about a week ago! That's still two weeks away. Huh? How can it be that inefficient? Did they have to go out and make the baby carrier themselves? Seriously...not even leaving for another 2 weeks? And for a mere $10 I could have had 3-5 day shipping. Yeah, about the difference in paying for the more expensive book so I could get the free shipping.

I've learned my lesson...I think.

Turkey, Here we come....well, kind of...

This morning Ajay emailed our itineraries for me to print out for my annual "Turkey" travel file. Except for last year, we have been going every year since our first trip in 2004. Since then, Ajay's Mom has moved there almost year-round, and we look forward to spending as much of the summer there as we can...usually 3 weeks.

When I printed the itineraries, I found myself getting excited and really looking forward to the upcoming trip. Sure, I'll be 24 weeks pregnant when we go. Sure, it's a reeeeeally long flight for a girl like me (with a baby like Alia). Sure, it's going to be pretty much miserable getting there...but once we're there? I just can't wait!

I can't wait to get back to the village. I can't wait to go for daily swims in the Aegean. I can't wait to have manti for lunch every day. I can't wait to pick out vegetables from the vegetable stand. I can't wait to take nightly walks in the village. I can't wait to show Alia around this wonderful little spot! Only 5 more weeks and we go!

The Santa Ana Zoo and the Museum of Natural History

Where is the time going? I look at Alia and she's 10 months old! I look at my belly...it's 17 weeks pregnant.  Alia is becoming such an interactive little girl...she wants to stand at every opportunity. She wants to interact, read books, make her way across the room with her funny little crawl. Every day it seems like I love her more than yesterday...but then I look at old photos, when she was just a few weeks or a few months old and see that tiny beautiful baby...I realize I didn't love her any less then, I just keep finding new things to love about her as I get to know her better and as she develops these new little things about her personality. But seriously....where is the time going?

This past weekend, Ajay didn't have to go in to the hospital which meant Alia and I had him all to ourselves. We had a really nice time...Friday we checked out a relatively new tapas restaurant. And by relatively new, it opened in December. Yeah, that's like 6 months ago....the old Andrea and Ajay would have had reservations within the first week of business! Yeah, we don't get out so much...or have time/energy/interest in staying on top of our former foodie lifestyle.

On Saturday, it was cool and gloomy, and we decided Alia had had enough retail for the week, and decided to take her to the Santa Ana Zoo. While it was definitely a good idea and a nice way to spend an hour or so with a baby, it was not the San Diego Zoo! Only a few animals to speak of and the main emphasis was the habitat. Big waterfalls caught Alia's attention, but the birds beneath the waterfall? Alia just couldn't see them...they moved slowly and were well camouflaged. This fact, however, did not seem to take away any of Alia's happiness with her new adventure... 

Saturday, we met up with Ajay's brother and his family at the Museum of Natural History in Los Angeles...they had a butterfly exhibit that was really sweet that we wanted to take the kids to. Alia loved everything about this day...from the kids area with puzzles and interactive exhibits to the still life animal displays....finally, she could see the animals! And the biggest thrill for me of the day? Alia waved bye bye for the first time...a real honest to goodness bye bye. To the polar bears!


Here, Alia works on a puzzle with Ajay. She got to sit in a little chair that was just her size...although we had to hold her in it!


And here's Alia and me in the butterfly exhibit. I never miss a moment for kissing those cheeks.

Alia crawls....kind of

Alia's Latest Trick: Apple with Daddy