Where do I fit in now?

Last weekend, since Ajay was home, I had some much needed time to myself. I had the chance to read through several blogs that I haven't had the chance to catch up with in awhile and one in particular made me reflect a little. 

The blog mentioned a bit negatively that it's amazing how women who have babies become completely engrossed with them. The baby takes over their identity. Basically, the message was that women start out having their infertility blog that discusses their life and feelings and perspectives and experiences and emotions; then after lots of cathartic blogging, they end up pregnant and then have babies, and then BAM, the women become completely engrossed with babies and lose themselves. No more blogs about infertility...just endless updates about sleep habits and feeding habits and diaper duty.

Now, I may have taken what my fellow blogger wrote a little harshly; it could be that I felt guilty as charged, and thus a little defensive. But it made me stop and think. I asked myself...have I lost myself in Alia? Have I stopped being a thoughtful, supportive person? Have I stopped sharing my perspectives and experiences and emotions as a blogger?

After reflecting on this, my initial response is yep, I have become all about Alia...so what? But then I thought about it a little more, and realized that I have a little bit more perspective about the issue than my fellow blogger, who is getting ready to start IVF hoping for her first child. See, it's not that we have babies and then forget the path that we traveled and forget the challenges and lose sight of what other women are going through. The infertility journey scars us all to varying degrees. It's just that once you make it to the other side, and by whatever means have a new baby in your life, it's not about the journey of infertility anymore. It's about your new role...as Mommy, as care giver, as a code-cracking detective. The new baby is so completely all encompassing of all your time, there is hardly time for anything other than the processing of thoughts about the baby.

But I can see where it may be annoying for fellow infertility bloggers...it's as if the link that once tied you to all these other women/bloggers disintegrated overnight. It's perhaps alarming to have complete conversations about this lab result and that drug and this stimulation and that Blast and all the things associated with IVF and infertility on one day, and then before you know it, the other person no longer speaks the language. And of that? I am guilty. I don't remember how many shots I took...just that it was a lot and it was very painful. I don't remember how long I took meds. I don't remember what the meds were. I do remember the drawer full of syringes, though, and the almost always full sharps container. 

But now? I remember yesterday's nap time. I remember to wash Alia's favorite PJs. I remember that Alia loved the fountain at the mall. My attention has shifted. But I'm still the same. I'm still reflective; I'm still supportive; I'm still sharing my perspectives and experiences. But now my experiences are different. I haven't lost myself. Through Alia, I've learned to become more of myself.

Alia's 9 month check up/My 12 week Scan

Yesterday was a big day for both Alia and me. She had her 9 month check up, I had my 12 week scan...separate appointments, of course. 

I'll go straight to my scan...hold onto your hats, everyone....it's a girl! And she's active, and bouncy and measures perfect for her age. Down to the day.

Now let's discuss Alia's basics...Alia is still off the charts in all categories...height, weight, and head circumference. She weighed in at 23.6 pounds, and is 30.5" long. That's about a 3.5 pound weight gain from her 6 month check up, and a solid 2" growth spurt in height. 

Alia is always happy to go to the Doctor's office. She loves that she gets to strip down to her diaper and play with all the cool things in her new environment. She thinks that the nurses and Doctor are there to admire here, clearly. Yesterday's appointment was about as good as it could have been. I numbed Alia's little meaty thighs with topical numbing cream 2 hours before our appointment, and Alia didn't feel a thing...not so much as a flinch for either shots. That made me happy. 

The doctor's questions were also fun to answer since it seems that Alia is right on par across the board in her development...our doctor reassured us Alia's modified Army-Crawl-Rolling technique is perfectly normal for a baby Alia's size (meaning, since she's so big, she has more to carry around, and thus will crawl later than many babies). She also assured us that Alia's abilities of grasping things are within the normal range. See, her little cousin has basically been using a knife and fork since the day she was born, so since Alia has yet to develop pincer grasp skills, we were getting a little concerned. But rest assured, Alia's little caveman grasp and destruction of all food that makes it way into her little hands is totally normal. Now, the things Alia is excelling at? The sippy cup. And did I mention that Alia claps? Deliberately? Yep, it means she's happy. Apparently, this is a tricky skill for babies to learn, and our girl is a champ. Yep, we're those parents...the proud ones that boast about how well she claps. For goodness sake, when did this happen?

The funniest part of the day was the moment when Alia stopped destroying the paper that covers the exam table for a moment, and I swear there was a look on her face that said, "hang on, why am I the one on the exam table? Mommy is always the one on the fancy table...why am I up here?" It was like a little light when on right before our eyes.

Because Nissans are cool

Saturday evening, as Ajay, Alia and I were leaving the mall, we noticed something...there were dozens of tricked out Infinitis converging on the top of the parking structure. They were clean. Sparkling. And there to be shown off. The guys parked their Infinitis, proudly got out of their cars, and strutted about the car wiping off any bug juice or imaginary smudges. Their girlfriends with short skirts and fake boobies were also along to be shown off. 

I mean, I'm all for pride of ownership. But how is it that this group formed? Is it every week? Is there a prize for the best tires or headlights or spoilers? And how did they decide on the third floor of the Nordstrom parking structure? 

I suppose this is my wake up call that 1) I am too old to understand the point of this and 2) I am now a part of the generation that is disconnected and clueless. And I'm absolutely positively fine with that!

11 weeks down!

My friend Jeana mentioned after the first baby, pregnancy seems to go a little faster because you're so busy wrangling rug rats that the time flies. Considering I'm almost through the first trimester, I think this might be true! I've mentioned before that this pregnancy is definitely different than my first. I feel very tired, but that aside, I'm doing really well. I've kept my weight in check so far (my last pregnancy...well, let's just say I had a little run-away weight gain in my first trimester...I think I may have gained like, 15 pounds right away!), and have been doing my best to avoid cravings and the eating of non-nutritious foods.

Sunday will be officially 12 weeks...that's right, I'll be in the last week of my first trimester. On Monday I'll have the 12 week scan that tries to determine if the folds in the baby's neck are healthy. At one time I knew all the ins and outs of this scan...what it meant, the actual terminology, etc.; but this pregnancy? I'm tired. In addition to the tiredness, I've been through this before and know that the doctor will tell me what I need to know when the time comes. Call it being more relaxed, call it knowing from experience, call it not having extra energy to invest googling all this stuff before bed. Regardless, time is going by quickly, and on Monday, if the baby cooperates, they'll be able to tell me if it's a little boy or a little girl. I feel it's a boy. We'll see! 

Alia is 9 Months old

Alia is 9 months old. While Alia has always been quite clear about her likes and dislikes, her preferences and such, she has become much more clear about things lately. Alia has learned that she can tell us "no" by shaking her head. When she's done eating, she closes her mouth tightly and shakes her head. Alia also vigorously shakes her head to avoid falling asleep...I'm not sure if she is saying no, no, no! I don't want to sleep, or if the motion is just her last ditch effort to keep her eyes open. Regardless, there is no greater "tell" than Alia's rapid back and forth movement!

This month, Alia perfected clapping. In prior months, one fist was closed while the other open hand clapped it rock-paper-scissors style. And before, clapping was only something that Alia imitated. Now Alia's clapping is expressive...it means "I'm happy!" For example, after a rough night of putting Alia to bed, Ajay brought a very upset and crying baby to the living room. Immediately the crying stopped and the clapping began, as if to say, "see guys? I just want to be in here with you!"

This month Alia attended her cousin Ciela's first birthday party. Alia has made a huge move forward socially. While she still prefers to be admired from afar, and prefers that strangers refrain from touching her, she is very much interested in interacting with new people now. And boys? Let's just say Daddy is going to be very busy one of these days....Alia already flirts relentlessly with grown men!

This month we've had days warm enough to put Alia in the pool. The first time, Alia was fine but apprehensive. She held on to her little bath time turtle the whole time and chewed on him for security. The next time? A totally different experience. Our little water baby wants to be thrown up into the air and will stay in the water indefinitely. Since this last joyful experience in the pool and Alia's pending mobility, we decided it was time to install the pool-safe fence between the doors to the house and the pool. Now we have a backyard that says, "we were stylish...now we're safe". 

This month Alia has shown a real interest in books. In the past, her interest was sporadic at best, and usually ended with her biting the book and mauling the pages. Now she really listens to the words and she looks at every picture with interest.

Alia has survived her first cold. It's been about a week now, and she is almost done with it. She found the whole experience of nose suctioning and wiping to be humiliating. In fact, our clever girl realized that the changing table was the spot where the bulb syringe would attack her little nose, and now every time I try to change her diaper, she immediately flips over onto her tummy and tries like mad to escape. While it's cute, it has become quite a challenge.

All in all this month has been a wonderful month to watch Alia grow and develop into a very sweet and funny little character. Her happy disposition and sparkling eyes continue to draw complete strangers to her in public. And me being the biased Mom...can I blame them?

The tummy bottle...conquered

During the day, Alia likes to lie on her back on in her play area and hold her own bottle at mealtime. I'm fine with this. Until recently....see...Alia thinks it's a good and fun idea to try to have a tummy bottle. Although I've tried and tried to explain that no one can make a tummy bottle work, she still tries each and every time. Below I've caught the tummy bottle in action...

She begins innocently enough, until the feet go up and over....

Then the slightest twist sends her over, bottle still in mouth...still making sucking noises

And once Alia is on her tummy, she gets a case of the happys and celebrates by throwing her bottle.

Ahh, but wait...I'm older. I'm wiser. I'm tired of being concerned that the sticky leaking overturned bottles will eventually mean that I have to clean the carpet. Hang on.....what is this? A new use for my Snoogle maternity pillow! How clever is Mommy? Ha! Mommy wins! 

What? It IS a big deal!

I used to be an effective multi-tasking person. The old me would stop right here and Google the term "effective" and make sure I'm using it right...you know, effective versus affective? I can never keep them straight. But that's the old me. You know, the one that did a home renovation and put in a pool during my last pregnancy? 

I've watched Jon and Kate Plus Eight countless times...I marvel at how in the hell Kate manages to keep that kitchen floor clean after every meal, in addition to keeping her sanity. I mean, 8 kids? Twins and sextuplets?

Before married life, I was a career girl. No, this is not a "whoa is me...I  used to be someone!" blog. Quite the contrary. I like my life much more where it's at now. I like myself much more in my new role too. I feel love pouring through my eyes aimed at my baby countless times a day and you just can't beat that. At least for me, that is. Disclaimer: babies aren't for everyone! But my point is that I used to be able to accomplish things....lots of things...every day no matter what was thrown at me.

So anyway, what's my point? Well, Alia and I are both surviving her first cold. She feels lousy. I feel sad for her. I want to fix it, but I can't. But what I can do is put her freshly washed decorative carseat cover back on...don't even ask about yesterday's brown-out that mandated a Hazmat suit and a three foot long pair of tongs. Anyway, after disassembling the carseat straps and untwisting 8 months of laziness, I felt a huge sense of accomplishment. I mean, sure it took 15 minutes to get the thing back on when it should have taken less than 5, but I got it back on, and I even took the time to do it right. See? An accomplishment.

And that's when I realized just how much my life has changed. On my mental list of accomplishments today, I have "Put the carseat cover back on". Seriously. If that's not celebrating the small stuff, I don't know what is! But then the old me pops into my head and says, "hey! remember? you also unloaded and loaded the dishwasher, did two loads of laundry, drove to Target to get Infant Tyelenol, grabbed a Famous Star at Carl's Jr., and cared for a sick baby all day...what the hell do you expect?" If that's not a repressed Type-A "dammit, give me some credit" sub-persona just dying to be heard, I don't know what!

When will my pregnancy be a baby?

I'm sitting in Alia's room right now while Alia finishes the last of her water before she's off to sleep. I feel like I've been lax about writing for the last few months...I always mean to do better...record some cute event that happened with Alia or just write down my thoughts about the state of things. But this being pregnant thing while having an almost 9 month old is tiring stuff. And I realize that I've mentioned the word "tired" in ohhhhh, 9 out of 10 blogs of late, but dammit! I'm tired!

Today for example, Ajay was home during part of the day...he works through the night tonight at the hospital. So while having him at home for part of the day is great in that we all get to spend time together (and it's note even the weekend), it's not like I was able to grab an extra hour or eight of much needed sleep. And seriously, I don't even think getting enough sleep is a possibility at this point...for God sake, I go to bed at 9 and get up at 6:30...I mean, how much sleep can a girl take?

So....sleep aside....where are we? Well, we're good. We're starting to make plans to do a minor renovation of the house. We are planning to convert the current library/home office to our next baby's room. Doing this will require a contractor and new walls; it's a solid undertaking. In my mind I'm already visualizing colors and themes and where furniture will go. I'm already positive of the crib I'll order when the time comes. I know how I'll convert the wall of bookshelves that currently houses our book collection into a closet for the new little person. I've begun thinking of which books I'll keep and which ones have to go because, well, we won't have a library pretty soon! I've begun thinking about how I'll convert the current broom closet and cleaning supply cabinets in the laundry room to a storage area for our linens...currently linens are in the new baby's bathroom closet, and if you know me, I feel strongly about each person in the family having their own space...in fact, I've blogged about this in the past. So in my mind, things are becoming clearer. I'm making room for our new family member.

That's all in my mind. But what about in my heart? I don't know if it's really happened for me yet, and since I don't know, I'm thinking it hasn't. Given my history with pregnancies and loss, I suppose it's normal to hold off my normal Type-A jump-right-in-and-think-about-it-later methodology. I suppose I don't want to start moving walls and hiring people until I'm sure there's going to be another person in our lives. 

But when will that be? I was 5 months along when I lost Alia's twin. Will I ever feel safe enough to start all these projects? And while I'm not doing a major home addition or putting in a pool like the time frame leading up to Alia's birth, the project is sizable enough for me to know that it won't wait until the last minute. 

In the meantime, can someone please bring me another corn dog? Mommy's hungry!

Alia's first Easter

Yesterday we spent Easter with our neighbors Jim and Carol, who are Alia's adopted Aunt and Uncle. They put out a fantastic spread...we just had to show up. Oh, and they invited Ajay's brother and his family so Alia was able to spend her first Easter with her cousins.





The girls dyed eggs, the grown ups had great wine and tons of food and sweets. And me? By the end of the weekend, I had officially gained 5 pounds since the beginning of this pregnancy!

Hey, I remember this!

Today, for the first time in this 9 week pregnancy, I craved Taco Bell. And Ajay, being the supportive and wonderfully nonjudgemental husband was willing to pick it up on his way back from the hospital. I ate a not-so-Mexican Pizza...that wasn't enough. So I followed that up with two, count them, two taco supremes. I could have kept going all too easily, but I had to stop. See, I haven't had fast food since my last pregnancy, at least a year ago. So my stomach quickly intervened and made more debauchery impossible without first throwing up. So I stopped.

Up until today, this pregnancy has been much, much smoother than my last. I've only had mild morning sickness so far (knock wood) versus throwing up all day for the first 4.5 months with my last pregnancy. The cravings for Big Macs and everything on the menu from Taco Bell hadn't shown up until today. I also haven't gained any weight yet....hmmm, maybe there's a connection there? I think I gained 10 pounds the day I found out I was pregnant last time!

I have to wonder what it's all about...the difference. Is it that my last pregnancy was my first pregnancy and I thought "hells bells! I finally get to eat without guilt!" and had no realization that what weight came on would have to come back off. Is it that my first pregnancy was twins for the first 20 weeks, and thus larger, stronger cravings as well as more intense illness? Is it that this time I'm more relaxed about the whole thing and not so consumed with thinking about my pregnancy 24/7? Is it that this is just a different baby and causes my body to react in different ways? Or is it that I never dropped that final 5ish pounds from the first pregnancy so now my body feels it's got plenty of cushion so far?

Who knows. Ajay's answer to questions like these is always "somewhere in the middle" which is why I sometimes call him Mr. Medium. He always finds the truth somewhere in the middle...not high...not low...you know, medium. Sorry, I digress.

So it's 7pm. Alia is down for the night. I had a very decadent late afternoon shower thanks to Ajay's help with Alia. I am ready to crawl into bed and read for a few minutes and turn out the light for the night. Because a nap now wouldn't make sense!