Almost there

Well, here we are smack dab in the middle of my 19th week. I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about losing Alia's twin during this same time in my last pregnancy. I suppose this is the milestone week for me...if we get past this week, we're safe....or safer. But a lot has changed since my last pregnancy, too.

My last pregnancy, being my first pregnancy (after two early miscarriages) that I actually got to pour myself into, was spent reading updates from Babycenter every week. I read all about changes in my body, changes in the baby, things I should be on the lookout for, and what's next. I devoured books on pregnancy, devoured cookies, cakes, fast food. I was the quintessential first-time Mommy to be. Thinking there would most likely be a c-section at 38 weeks, my 19th was marked in my mind by "half way there! half way there! we made it half way there!!!" I loved my babies endlessly and thought of them nonstop. And then I lost Alia's brother...I found out at the 20 week anatomy scan that we did a week early.

Looking back on it, I seemed much more invested in everything related to that pregnancy. I had already had the nursery painted, ordered the cribs, bedding and double stroller. I had bought clothes for both babies. Yeah...my story is why you shouldn't do that at 4 months! But honestly, my enthusiasm and excitement about becoming a Mom, to twins no less, couldn't be harnessed. As I watched my pregnancy ticker count down the days, I celebrated with baked goods. I was that girl.

This pregnancy began with a surprise. Just as we were readying ourselves for the frozen embryo transfer, I got pregnant the way most humans do. I was shocked, happy, and yeah, a little worried about all the cocktails we had on my birthday. But it wasn't the same as before. My life...the air I breathed...didn't rely on my being pregnant. I was already okay in my own skin. And I think that's the difference this time.

So although I find myself a calmer, more stable version of my former self, I am looking forward to getting through this 19th week. But when I see 19 weeks in writing? I don't feel like doing the "we're half way there" dance. There's so much ground to cover still. There's a longer way to go than the distance I've already traveled...in my mind anyway. I know it doesn't make sense, but having brought a baby to full term, I know how hard those last 2 months are physically. I know how long that last trimester seems. I've been there. And maybe that's the reason for my milder temperament this go-round. Regardless, we're almost there...almost past this milestone.