Top Chef Finale...Part 2

Okay, thanks to Bravo reruns, my Tivo actually did catch the finale episode and I'm able to watch it now...

We open with what a long, hard journey we're been through together...from using countless promotional products like Uncle Ben's microwave rice to Glad Storage of Everything products and Evian water. We witnessed the sabotage of Lisa's rice on several occasions, Dale's temper tantrums and Andrews frankly bizarre behavior. We saw Spike weasel his way through nearly an entire season, and witnessed lesbian girlfriends being torn apart by bad cooking and the spirit of competition. Now, here we are...Lisa, Stephanie, and Richard...and Lisa wasn't supposed to make it this far...and she didn't even get a congratulations for making it!!!!

We open in Puerto Rico to breakfast with the remaining contenders. There's obviously a little tension in the forced-together breakie...Stephanie has a hard time making eye contact with Lisa, and Richard tells us he doesn't think she should be there. Lisa tells us they're going to be beat by the under dog.

The chefs walk in to see three famous chefs standing in front of lots of protein options...April Bloomfield, Dan Barber, and Eric Ripert all wait to be selected to be the contestants sous chefs...and the chef you chose comes with the protein options in front of them. Stephanie gets to go first...she chooses Eric Ripert. Richard picks Dan Barber. That leaves Lisa to work with April Bloomfield. I wonder if Lisa will fall in love with her. Fish, poultry, then red meat and finally dessert will be the progression of the challenge. Stephanie's surprised that dessert is a requirement, Lisa says she doesn't really have a cake recipe, and she doesn't like to eat cake anyway. (I knew I didn't like her...I mean, really, who doesn't like cake???? Does she hate puppies, too?)

They start their prep today and have 3 hours to work. Tomorrow will be the big day. In the kitchen, surprisingly Lisa works well with her sous chef...April may just be the only person that Lisa "I don't like cake" clicks with all season. They get to work. Richard tells Dan what to do...remove the chicken skins..but he doesn't really have a cohesive plan yet. It's bound to evolve at some point, right? RIGHT? Stephanie begins micromanaging Eric Ripert...pointing out exactly how she'd like his fish filleted. She has a good sense of humor about herself and points out that he is probably quite capable of filleting fish.

So end of day one, we've seen some chopping, Glad product placement, and Richard demos cooking with liquid nitrogen for all the famous chefs. Lisa pounces on the opportunity to point out that Richard is too complex and she cooks with simple foods and simple ingredients (but no cake)...all the while the guest chefs sing Richard's praises and eat out of his hand at the idea of learning some new hot shot technique. Way to go Lisa "I don't do cake". And Richard is very proud to have showed the chefs stuff they didn't know about. You go Richard. Oh, and meanwhile, Lisa and her sous chef girlfriend are getting along famously. Stephanie tells us they're not used to seeing Lisa get along with anybody, so it's really a trip. April actually HUGS Lisa goodbye at the end of the day...is it love?

Next day, the contestants arrive to an empty kitchen...in walks Tom C. who breaks the news that their sous chefs aren't coming...the judges want to make sure that they live and die by their own hand. So the chefs get to work...Stephanie prioritizes, Lisa misses April, and Richard still doesn't really have a clear thought in his head about what he's making. Stephanie starts making pasta. Lisa tells us her menu is going to reflect her personality...ummm, bitter? unappealing? how do you make angry food? Oh! She says bold, salty, sweet, spicy...WOW! that's a seriously inaccurate understanding of oneself, Lisa "I don't like puppies".

Lisa's Menu...she's keeping it Asian...grilled prawns, Tom Kha Gai Soup and Dumplings, Wagyu Beef, and Thai Rice Pudding. Rice pudding? Hasn't she learned yet? From two rice cooking disasters and one rice pudding disaster, is that really the wisest choice? But then again, we are talking about Lisa "I don't like cake".

Richard tries to tell a story with his menu...he'll have us know that he isn't just a "cook with liquid nitrogen" kind of guy...he's deeper than that...he's not all bells and whistles...he's got substance...it's not just about smoke baths and whippets for him. He's going to tell his culinary story with a menu of Scallops, Guinea Hen w/ Foie Gras & eggs, some Pork Belly, and his famous Banana "Scallop" and Bacon Ice Cream for dessert...only, ummm, Richard, you've already served that banana scallop thingy two times this season...what's it going to take for you to do a "play on" something else...like, maybe turn a pineapple into a scallop? Or even a plantain from yesterweek's challenge? Couldn't a scallop be a scallop? Oh, yeah, you 're already doing that in your first course...

Stephanie is keepin' it real with a seared Red Snapper, followed by Quail with Lobster Ravioli & Quail Egg, Lamb Medallions, and a Ricotta Pound cake. I want to eat at Stephanie's table, please. Hers has cake!

Chef Tom comes in and talks to a clearly ruffled Richard, who attempts to explain his menu as "abstract"...which looks concerning to Chef Tom. Richard isn't doing too well under pressure...he tells Tom he's "in the shit right now" and Tom goes to talk to the ever more pleasant Stephanie. She's cool as a cucumber. Lisa is also relaxed and actually pleasant. Tom reflects to the camera that Richard's a mess, Stephanie's hangin' in there, and Lisa is....calm and cool...collected.

With an hour to go, Stephanie checks out her cake. She no likee. Lisa "the puppy kicker" calls her out on being a big sandbagger. Richard looks on. Lisa is calm. And somewhat likable, although she still doesn't like cake, which makes it difficult for me to like her. Richard tells us he's the best chef there with the most skill. He's a craftsman, an artist, if you will. Lisa definitely is in it to win it and thinks she's going to win. Stephanie says it's not about the $100K for her...it's about being Top Chef....Ahhhhh, the prestige of it all.

The diners arrive, Padma's wearing a gorgeous necklace...I can't take my eyes off it. The chefs come out and greet the judges and explain their culinary goals with the dinners. Padmas necklace sparkles.

They serve their first courses. The judges find Richard's scallop too complicated, Lisa's prawn too spicy, and Stephanie's red snapper juuuuust right.

Next course, the judges give Richard's offering a mixed review...although the technique was excellent, the flavors weren't quite right...perhaps a little to complicated again? Lisa's soup? They love it. Stephanie's quail breast? Balanced and delicate....but those leeks!!! They're undercooked? How dare she!!!!

Now the red meat course....Richard's pork belly is under seasoned....not crispy enough....Lisa's beef on the other hand, has good flavor, but not good texture...and Stephanie's lamb...they love it...the flavor combinations are phenomenal...they looooove it. Tom sums it up...Richard's dish needs work, Lisa's dish is pedestrian, and Stephanie's dish is juuuuuuust right. And Padma's necklace sparkles.

Now, finally we have dessert...Lisa's "may cake rot in hell" black Thai rice pudding with lime and mango creme, taro and coconut looks like...what did Anthony Bourdain call it the last time? Wood chips or pot pouri on baby food? Yeah, that's what it looks like. Stephanie offers up her ricotta pound cake with banana creme (in less expensive restaurants, the creme would be called cream). And finally, Richard "I'm not just a pretty nitrogen tank" creates dessert with what? A nitrogen tank!

Lisa's dish draws out some mixed feedback. Richard's dish was more about technique than flavor. And Stephanie's cake...well, it wasn't the greatest. So we learn once again that Top Chef contestants don't do dessert. It's really too bad that Bravo didn't contract with say, Duncan Hines for this challenge...you know...those microwave pudding cakes? That would have been a great way to finish off the whole season...with some good ol' fashioned microwave puddin' cake!! Or maybe some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls? Or why not some Hagen Daz sorbet? That sounds fancy enough to serve at a fine dinner, right guys?

Gayle says the politically correct thing...they've all won at this point. Tom points out all the different contestants strengths. It's huggy time apparently... everybody's had a good big dinner and lots of wine, and can't you just feeeeeel the love? And Padma's necklace sparkles so!

At the judge's table, now that everyone is full and drunk....Padma's eyes are lit up to match her necklace...is she happy or just tanked? The contenders show up to be judged. Richard explains his first course was supposed to be an explosion in your mouth...a palate wake up revelry if you will. Padma tells him it was under seasoned. Padma asks about Lisa's cake-hating shrimp. Lisa says she loves shrimp and wanted to serve them something the way she likes to eat it...spicy. The judges tell her it was too spicy. Gayle asks about Stephanie's Red Snapper...and then all the judges give her a metaphorical hug for filling their bellies with such perfect yummy goodness.

Next up, the second course feedback doesn't go so well for Richard. Lisa's love of soup shined through with unanimous praise, and Tom criticized Stephanie's uncooked leeks....she looked astounded...her mind is racing before our eyes...what??? I didn't cook the leeks? How could I have committed such a cardinal sin? Richard's pork belly falls flat for a lack of crispiness on the fatty part. Lisa's steak, too, falls flat, too. Stephanie's lamb wins the course again.

And dessert? Richard's was good. Lisa's was good. Stephanie's cake was fine, but the banana creme (mind you, not cream) fell short. They give the contestants an opportunity to say their peace...offer a culinary last word if you will. Stephanie pipes up with "pick me". Tom C. looks annoyed. Lisa, still ever the cake-hater, says "pick me!" Tom looks annoyed again. And Richard? he says he feels like he choked and over-thought things. And Padma's necklace sparkles.

In the Evian storage room, the chefs take a load off. The judge's discuss. They poll themselves per chef, per course. In the Evian room, Lisa tells Stephanie she nailed the first and third courses, while she herself nailed the second and fourth...leaving Richard out of the competition altogether. He looks hurt. Stung. He's not just a pretty nitrogen tank!

The judge's all have a preference. They call the chefs back for the results. More verbal hugs spill out to all the finalists. In the end....drumroll...STEPHANIE!!!!!! Richard rushes over to hug and congratulate her.....but huh?????? I didn't hear "congratulations" uttered from Lisa's cake-hating mouth. You remember, the lady who last episode made such a big to-do about how they didn't congratulate her when she made the finals? Interesting! Everybody is there to hug Stephanie...old contenders, the judges...very happy. But Richard looks terribly upset. And Lisa still hates cake. And Padma's necklace sparkles as we fade to black in yet another season of Top Chef.