To BF or not to BF...

Okay, first, I hate the abbreviation of BF for breast feed. When I was growing up, BF meant best friend, as in B/F/F. But since I hate saying breast-feed (in my mind, it's very drawn out...like BREEEEEEAST Feed) I chose the lesser of two evils and went with BF in my title today. Whatever.

Okay, here's the deal. I don't know how detailed I was in sharing all I went through the first time around trying to make breastfeeding (or BF'ing) work for Alia and me, but it was a lot. Daily multiple consultations at the hospital. Multiple meetings with a lactation consultant in my home. Multiple repeats back to the hospital for more help. Engorgement. Mastitis. And let's not forget the tears. Tears from physical pain, tears from frustration, tears from depression from failing to make it happen. A lot of tears. A lot of sadness. A permanent scar on my left boob from where the ice pack melted off my skin. And it still never worked. I gave it two solid months and we achieved what they call a "proper latch" 3 times? Yeah. A lot of work and very little success.

So now, as I'm approaching my 7th month of pregnancy, I find myself thinking about breast feeding again. Do I try it? I've heard from two separate women that the second time around is much much easier, and that each baby is different. And if that's the case...don't I owe it to my new baby to give it the ol' college try? Don't I at least let her be the one to decide?

Ajay says nope, no, no way, no how. Don't do it to myself. Because of the ol' post-birth euphoria, I suppose I've sugar coated my memory of that entire time. Apparently, he remembers very clearly that I cried at least 8 times a day....that is, every time I tried to breast feed! And while he is correct, and I also vaguely remember crying a lot, was it really so bad? Well, Ajay says yes it was. He remembers it being harder than my physical recovery from childbirth (read: c-section). He remembers me beating up on myself daily. Doubting myself. Wondering why it was so hard for me. Wondering what I was doing wrong. If women in the Congo could do it, why couldn't I? Yeah, see, his recollection? Sounds like me, for sure.

So now I'm torn. Somewhere between self-preservation and guarding my own ability to function for my 2 daughters, and guilt....guilt of depriving my second baby of all the health and bonding benefits of breast feeding. On one hand, I think "no way, no how, never gonna do it" and on the other hand, I think, "well, I could just try it and see how it goes...if it doesn't work out this time, I'll know it's not working and not feel so torn". But then there's the fact that I know myself. I don't throw in the towel. I beat myself to a bloody pulp for the silliest reasons. And then in hindsight, I think "wow, why was I so hard on myself?". So like I said, safeguarding myself from my own wrath is an issue here.

Hmmm.

These are the things I ponder when Alia is doing this....

Have I mentioned how much I love my new video monitor????

Alia is 13 months old!

This month has flown by. We spent the majority of the month in Turkey, and what a great time that was for all of us, Alia especially. I mentioned last month what a wonderful impact having all the family around Alia was, and the continued contact with family and friends just got better and better.



Alia's one year check up proved that I was not crazy...she was in fact growing like a weed over the last few months...3 inches total since her last visit (she's just shy of 33" tall), as well as a 2 pound gain (weighing in just over 25 pounds). That's our little greater-than-95th-percentile girl!

This month, Alia showed us that she loves music. Her favorite CD is Baby Beluga by Raffi, to which she keeps the beat with an extended index finger. While she likes just about every song on the CD (Mommy fast forwards past the religious crap) her favorite songs are Baby Beluga and Joshua Giraffe. All I have to do is turn it on and watch as her gorgeous little face lights up and smiles with an expression that says, "heeeey! I know this song! I love this song!!!"

Earlier this week, Alia took those first "come to Mommy steps" across her bedroom. Actually, to be honest, Mommy was holding her favorite possession in the whole wide world, Froggy, so really they were the "come to Froggy" steps, but I'll take what I can get. And later in the week, she repeated this feat only this time, she walked twice as far, beaming the whole way, arms outreached to me (or was it her hair barrette?). My heart melted. Alia still isn't comfortable walking around as her first choice, but she now grabs an extended finger and will walk with us across the room. But in a hurry? It's back to the good ol' walrus crawl, which is surprisingly very fast!

Speaking of being on two feet, Alia loves scooting along the furniture, walls, chairs, coffee tables....you name it. She tirelessly removes magnets from the washing machine. She pulls them all down, and then looks at me like "well? What are you waiting for!? Put them back on." And while I've tried to show her that she is capable of putting the magnets back on the washer, apparently it just isn't the same.

Alia is very much enjoying her new face-forward car seat. No longer does she look like an overgrown toddler crammed into an infant seat...once again, she looks petite while riding in her big, cushy seat. And facing forward is the best...she constantly interacts with me with lots of smiles. She loves it when I ask her "Where are your feet? ...Ears? ....Nose? ...Hands?" She loves to demonstrate and is so proud to get them right. The funny thing is that rather than pointing to her nose, she exhales heavily through her nose, which means that sometimes you get a prize with that request.

Alia is much more vocal this month....she says four real words, but her favorites remain "wi-doo wi-doo wi-doo" and "wi-joo, wi-joo, wi-joo" in addition to pointing at something and saying "oy oy oy oy". What these things mean, we do not know, but she has a very sweet soft voice and I'm happy to try to decipher!

This month, Alia has learned that our neighbor's fountain is just about the most interesting thing there is...it's basically a slab or rock with water streaming down the sides. Alia likes to sit directly next to it and feel the water streaming over the rock. She always ends up stripped to her diaper because everything she was wearing gets soaked. But she doesn't mind...it's a great way for her to spend 20 minutes!

Finally, upon my return from Turkey, I was happy to see that the video monitor arrived. I ordered it with the new baby in mind, as an upgrade to our former borrowed audio monitor. Well let's just say I don't know how I survived without this device. Now I know what's going on in there. I don't have to risk cracking the door to check that she's still sleeping and risk waking her. And on the flip side, I'm amazed at how often she wakes and talks with her Froggy and other animals and is happy to hang out for awhile on her own. If there's one purchase I strongly recommend new Moms, it's a video monitor. The one I bought was the Summer monitor from Costco...it has 2 cameras and 2 monitors. I love it!

Alia is still Daddy's little girl. Every day, she enjoys sitting on the front porch and waiting for Daddy to drive up. She points up the empty road and says "wi-joo wi-joo wi-joo" and when his silver car finally emerges from around the bend, she claps and smiles and can't wait! Once Daddy's in the driveway, Alia loves to "drive" the car into the garage on Daddy's lap. Mainly this involves her slapping the steering wheel, but c'mon. She's only 13 months old!

And did I mention? She now talks on the "phone"?

Sweetest thing

I nearly forgot to share this little tidbit....last week was Alia's 1-Year visit with the pediatrician. After 24 hours of travel just two days before, I feel I was asking a lot of her to put up with going to the doctor on top of jet lag. But sometimes you just have to suck it up.

So we weighed in...Alia weighs 25 pounds now and has grown 2 inches since her last visit at 9 months...putting her at almost 33" tall....big girl!!! These numbers put her at greater than the 95th percentile for her age. Then comes the surprise of all surprises...they tell me they have to prick her finger this time. I wasn't prepared for this...I hadn't numbed her with Emla cream on her finger...just her legs. So the nurse came, and pricked her finger, and to make matters worse, held on to that little finger very tightly for what seemed like an eternity. And Alia HATES to be held in anyway against her will. Needless to say, Alia was a mess. Crying, snotting, a general wreck of a baby.

Then the same nurse came back and it was time for her 3 immunizations. I had numbed up Alia's little legs in preparation for the shots, but unfortunately with her jet lag, her afternoon nap lasted much longer than I anticipated, and her magic numbing cream had only been on for 45 minutes. Not long enough....and this I know from my own experience...I used the stuff religiously for all my infertility shots before Alia was conceived. Anyway...Alia was still a mess from the whole finger pricking and finger holding incident when it was time for 3 more shots. I held her on my lap really still, kept her arms close to her body (which she hates) and then braced her and myself for what was to come. And just as I suspected...tears....snot...and HUGE cries. My poor little baby. I felt just awful.

And if I couldn't have felt more emotion for this poor little thing, as the nurse collected her used syringes and turned to leave, Alia began waving bye-bye to her. Because it would be rude not to say goodbye to the woman that just tortured you! My little sweetie pie!

Guess who! 28 week ultrasound...and belly shots!

Monday I had another ultrasound. Considering it had been since my 19 week anatomy scan, I was very excited to see this new little girl! And how much she's grown!




So here's what we know....no longer does this one appear to have a long narrow skull like her Dad...she now has a big round melon head just like her sister. And that long narrow Indian nose I was expecting to see? The ultrasound tech tells me she sees a button nose in it's place. So rather than having a more Indian looking baby this time, it looks like Alia just might be getting her very own mini-me.

We also learned that the reason my right rib cage feels very full is that my little girl is sitting in my tummy like a Buddha, with her big round head positioned up against the right side of my diaphragm in my ribs. No wonder I can't breath! And her butt? It's near the exit!

And names? Have we decided on a name? Well, tentatively, yes. But we're not sharing it because we've already renamed this poor girl 3 times now and don't want to confuse things any more should we decide to rename her again.

And how is Mommy looking these days? Well, here's my one and only belly shot of this pregnancy....

So far I've gained a solid 12 pounds...I know, not too much, but when you consider I was still losing my last pregnancy-weight, I feel like I'm right on track. And seriously...my last pregnancy? I was a fatty! Take a look...here's a picture of me 28 weeks pregnant with Alia---you'll notice much bigger legs and a lot more padding everywhere....

So all in all we're all doing good! I can't believe I'm already turning the corner and heading full force into the 3rd and final trimester of my pregnant life!

Back home in California!

On Saturday we got back around midnight after 24 hours of travel. Let's just say Alia weathered the flights like a champ and leave it at that...oh, that, and we'll never fly Delta again. I don't want to focus on the negative, but U.S. carriers? Suck!!! How can a small airline like Turkish (which we took from Istanbul to Bodrum) be so much better than every single airline in our country? Okay, like I said, I don't want to focus on the bad part...let's focus on the good!

We had a wonderful trip. It was sunny, hot, and beautiful in Turkey. Our house is in Turkbuku, which is about a 20 minute drive from Bodrum, and it was really nice to feel that we were indeed "away from it all". Now, that said, arriving back in L.A., it was nice to get on a very smoothly paved freeway with my big ol' SUV...there's pros and cons everywhere...but as a change in pace, and a wonderful visit with family and friends, Turkey was fabulous.

Now that we're back, I find myself looking around the house...yep, I think the nesting gene has kicked in once again. I put off nesting until our return from Turkey, and now that I'm allowed, I just can't stop with the endless home-focused projects I'd like to do before the new baby arrives. And seriously, like I'm not nesty without being pregnant? So where is it all coming from? My primal need for new window coverings in the library cannot be explained otherwise. And a new pressure cooker? Now granted, Maya had one and was able to whip up dal in a jiffy, and seeing the benefit of that time savings for my little Indian baby is real...but seriously, did I need the cookbook for pressure cooking upon checking out at Amazon? And did I really need that new broom and dust pan at Target? And what about the new sheets and duvet insert? And why am I not happy if I don't have 3 cannisters of Clorox Ready Wipes? What's the reason for those little items? Nesting...it can only be nesting.

So if the blogs are light, you know why. I'm cleaning the cabinets...on the inside...after removing everything, re-folding it, and scrubbing it with brushes and cleansers. Oh, and Alia? Where is she in all this? Clinging to my leg, and wondering what the hell is going on with Mommy.

Alia is 12 months old!

As I sit at Maya's computer here in Turkey, I am thinking about heading back to the U.S. in a few days. The past few weeks have been great ones, but I am looking forward to the next phase of new adventures in Alia's life.

On July 21, Alia turned 1 year old. We celebrated at the very cool, trendy Kuum Hotel of Turkbuku. Alia was surrounded by her grandmother, Mommy, Daddy, and Aunt Aruna. The day was sunny and hot, and Alia very happily showed off her two best outfits! Alia also loved her birthday cake which was a classic Turkish recipe made of...get this....spinach and olive oil. Yes, Alia's grandmother is ahead of her times when it comes to health food, and I did manage to tease her quite a bit about offering poor Alia a spinach cake for her first birthday and first cake experience, but I gotta say, that was some damn good cake, spinach or no spinach!



I sit here almost overwhelmed with emotion as I try to put into words what this last year has meant to me. Every month I write Alia a monthly update, talking about her progress and development of that month. It almost always ends with me gushing about how much I love her. And now, with an entire year to reflect on, I find it difficult to capture "it"...you know, what it is I'm trying to convey. I suppose I can start by focusing just on this month...since my last monthly note.

This month has been a very social one for Alia. She met and got along fantastically with my new nanny, whom I've hired to help in her care as I get bigger and incapable of keeping up with her physically. On the social side, Alia has also discovered that she's a guy's girl....she loves men! In Turkey, she met her Uncle Shuja, and for the first time ever, refused her Daddy's awaiting arms in preference for Uncle Shuja. Similarly, Alia fell in love with Maya's handyman, Emin, as well as a bartender at the hotel in Istanbul. Let's just say Daddy is worried!

On the physical side, Alia is growing like crazy right now. She shot up 2 inches in the last 3 months, and gained two pounds. She is also cutting 2 of her one-year molars, which surprisingly come in before the K-9s. I thought Alia was unique in that, but her pediatrician says that's how it's supposed to happen!

Although Alia hasn't taken those hallmark "come to Mommy" first steps yet, she is standing up from a seated position without assistance, but isn't convinced that she can walk without the help of a couch, a hand, or anything more stable than she is. It's going to be any day now, I just know it. And, and while we're on that topic, Alia now crawls like a baby sometimes, as opposed to her preferred crawling method, which resembles that of of a walrus.

To recap Alia's adventures this first year, Alia has stepped foot on 3 continents (North America, Europe and Asia), taken 3 plane trips (Florida, San Francisco, and Turkey), stayed in 4 hotels (Ojai Valley Resort & Spa for Christmas, Hotel Vitale in San Francisco for New Years, the Four Seasons in Santa Barbara, and the Sari Konak in Istanbul). Alia has been to 2 zoos, Santa Ana and Santa Barbara, and her favorite animal remains the lion!

To recap Alia's physical accomplishments, first of all, she learned to breath, eat, and eliminate for starters...which if you think about it is a big accomplishment from just hanging out in my belly letting nature run it's course. She learned to flip from her tummy to her back at 4 months, sat up on her own at 5 months, and flipped from back to tummy at 6 months. Alia learned to crawl like a walrus, and then transitioned to a full blown baby crawl. And now, she walks with assistance! Alia has also learned 4 words...her first being "wow!", followed by what doggie's say "bow wow" (do you see a pattern here? only derivatives of wow?) and she knows how to say Mama and Dada. My pediatrician says that 4 solid words with purpose puts her at a 15 month level, but I didn't even mention that there's a 5th mystery word that keeps coming up...."Dibba Doo!"

Right now I'm just a little over 6 months pregnant with Alia's new little sister. I can't wait to see how these two interact, how Alia will be changed by having a sister, and what new adventures lie ahead for all of us.

How can one woman compete?

Today I emailed my neighbor just to check in...make sure the house was still standing, you know...

I told him that we're having a blast here in Turkey, and that Alia is doing exceptionally well. She is enjoying spending time with all her relatives, and thriving on all the extra attention. I joked that I dread coming home because I dread the sadness in Alia's eyes when she realizes that it's just Mommy and Alia come Monday morning when Daddy is off to work and there are no grandmothers, aunts and uncles for her to show off for.

But then I realized that I wasn't joking at all. There is that part of me that realizes just how important all this socialization is for Alia. Never before has she gone to new people so willingly. Never before has she had so many eyes on her for so long. She's getting used to this rural Turkish lifestyle where the big events of the day are going for a swim in the Aegean and showing her grandmother all her tricks. We walk through the village after the sun sets every evening and Alia points and whispers "wow!" at all the sights...the dogs walking about with no leashes, the bedazzled ladies of the day decked out in the season's latest bikini fashions, and lets not forget the ice cream man that nearly gobbles her up every day.

What am I going to do when I get back?

More from Turkey....

So today we've been here a little over a week. Dena and Tariq joined us last Thursday, so we have a house full of people. And for Alia? This means that there are more people to watch her every move. Alia is no longer happy with just Mommy and/or Daddy's attention...she wants all eyes on her all the time...our little showman!

Take today for example...Alia woke up on the wrong side of the bed; or who knows, maybe she just didn't get enough sleep to compensate for all the new wonders for her little mind to take in. Regardless, from the time she woke up, she was a Grumple, which is what we call her when her near-constant whine happens for a duration of time. So Alia grumpled about all morning...not this, THAT! Not that! THIS! Not you....Amma! Not Amma, Daddy! You get the idea. And then, all of a sudden, it occurred to her that her Mommy, Daddy, Amma, Auntie Dena, Uncle Tariq, and Auntie Aruna (as well as the housekeeper, Gulhaan) were all somewhat surrounding her and watching her crawl back and forth. She blossomed before our eyes. She flirted with the men, shrieked and laughed for the ladies, and turned into a delight.

But then it happened...someone had to leave. So one else picked up a book. People began to dispurse. And Grumple appeared once more.

More from Turkey

Well, here we are day 3 of our Turkish holiday. Alia has taken to Turkey amazingly. And I don't want to brag, but seriously what's not to love here? I just enjoyed the most decadent outdoor massage overlooking a harbor full of yachts on the Aegean...warm breezes, the sound of music playing from the town below, and the knowledge that Alia is being cared for and surrounded by so many people that love her. What could be better?

Here you can see Ajay and his Mom holding the birthday girl at a new super modern hotel in Turkbuku called Kuum...amazing views, amazing architecture, and a very welcoming staff that were happy to serve the birthday girl her birthday cake...

And Alia really enjoyed the balloons that decorated the table...

Here you can see the detail of her understated birthday dress...she was the talk of the town...

And finally nothing beats crawling around on the ground with Daddy!

All in all, I'd say Alia is having the time of her life. She is blossoming into a toddler before my eyes; she's happily going from person to person, enjoying the attention of her new fan club, and thriving on all the locally grown fresh foods. Do we really have to go back home?

From Turkey

So today I'm up at the crack of dawn here in Turkey...still a little jet lagged on day 3, but am so proud that Alia has adjusted so well and did an amazing job on our 22 hour journey here. Let's just say Alia was better behaved than some of the adult passengers on the plane and leave it at that.

So Alia has taken to Turkey like a duck to water. Her grandmother had a crib ready for her on arrival, so Alia feels right at home. Last night, which was our second day here, we walked through town and got the opportunity to show Alia everything we've been telling her about....the lovely waterfront area of Turkbuku, the glittery hand made jewelry on display for the whole stretch of the waterfront, the ducks, the megayachts in the harbor, and the lovely dress shops for her browsing pleasure. I'd say Alia is happy as a clam.

Today is Alia's first birthday. I'll be writing her monthly note a little later, but just wanted to mark the occasion by saying that I cannot believe Alia has been with us for a year already. My teeny tiny baby has turned into a bright, happy, ready to walk little girl. It's bittersweet, in a way. Now I know why they say that you'll always be your Mother's baby. While I am so happy and proud of the little toddler she is becoming, there is part of me that just wants to stop time and savor this time in her life.

But speaking of teeny tiny babies...can you believe I'm 24 weeks along already? It's crazy...time is flying. I can't believe that we'll be meeting the next little Lalvani in 15 weeks...I'm blown away by this.

That's it for now...time to give Alia her morning bottle...or is it her afternoon bottle? Or what the hell time is it around here, anyway!?