what if...?

Last night while we were watching Top Chef Las Vegas, I had a feeling wash over me...what if I can't handle a second baby? What if I'm not good at it? What if it's a huge terrible change for Alia...a mistake? What if our desire to have another baby and thus a sister for Alia ends up with them hating each other and resenting us? What if I'm not capable of handling a newborn and a 15 month old?
So I voiced these concerns to Ajay. He not only reassured me that I would do great, but also reminded me that about the same time last pregnancy I felt the same way...panicky and second guessing myself.
He's right. I felt the exact same way during the 3rd trimester last time. I wondered about the unknown. How will I deal with the sleeplessness that everyone warns you about? Our life of travel and going out to nice dinners on the weekends would change dramatically...was I ready for it? Was I ready to give up the convenience of having total freedom versus giving up my freedom entirely? Was I awful for thinking all these thoughts that surrounded what I was losing versus what we'd be gaining? Then the guilt. How could I think these things after all we'd been through to create Alia?
Looking back on that time, and comparing it to this time, I realize I don't have the same fears. It's not about "what's it like to be a parent?" or "what's it like to have a baby that relies on you for everything?" I think my anxiety this time is me realizing that as far as the having-one-toddler thing goes, I've got it down. We're doing great. We manage. We have fun together. Like I said...we're great. So it comes down to rocking the proverbial boat, and changing things up now that I feel like I'm totally comfortable.
I guess time will tell how we incorporate the newest member of our family into her place. I suppose there's no way of knowing what's to come other than looking to our history...and when I reflect on the moment Alia joined our lives, it just seemed like everything made sense.