Who put all this food in my shopping cart?

Yesterday I felt good. By comparison, really good! I was able to go to the grocery store and everything. What an experience. It was like going for the first time, or maybe like shopping in some one elses body.

Normally, I am a health-conscious shopper. I usually spend my time at the grocery on the outer rows...produce, dairy, and maybe a little meat and fore go all the aisle of name brand foodstuff. I buy fresh herbs, lots of produce, organic milk. I never buy anything pre-made (except for the rare Trader Joe's Gruyere and red onion pizza, but who can blame me? It's divine!), and I typically don't buy junk food. I am conscious of sugar content in food and don't buy things that are excessively sugary or contain trans fats (not saying I'm fat free...the more the Omega 3s and 6s the merrier!) If we have treats, I usually make them at home where I can control the ingredients.

That said, when I went to the store yesterday I had gone too long without eating, which brings on the nausea. Nausea and fierce hunger at the same time. Bizarre. Anyway, I started in produce and got my typical fresh Italian parsley, fresh mint, fresh dill, apples, bananas, mangoes. So far so good.

Then I found my cart being pulled....like being sucked into a black hole of sorts into an aisle I'd never been in before....processed fruit. Look at all the little single servings of peaches! In their own juice!!! Their size is un-intimidating for a nauseous girl. And only 16g of sugar per serving! And look! Single servings of mandarin oranges! And only 18g of sugar per serving! Which should I get? How about both!

I continue on going down these previously forbidden rows of name brand foodstuff. Fruity Pebbles? I looooove Fruity Pebbles! And look! Ramen noodles...the one food product that I survived on in college....what could be better to this belching and apologizing girl than noodles in a faux broth made of salt and dirt? Delicious! I go on to the meat section. For the first time .....ever? I buy ground beef. Yep....ground beef....as in, hardly any quality control in the processing....as in multiple cow's multiple body parts squeezed nicely in that little pound of ground flesh. I can't wait to get home and make a nice middle eastern feast of tabouleh and kofta kabob. Yum.

I head to the checkout. What is this I see? A bakery bin of buttered croissants. I have an unspoken rule about buttered croissants...they are only worth the sin in Paris. And they are never as good as they are in Paris, so why set yourself up for the let down. So I grab one, planning to eat it on the way home. As I turn to the checkout line, I spot a box of "Mini Powdered Donuts". Mmmmmmm, donuts. I haven't had a donut in at least 4 or 5 years. I forgot about donuts. I love donuts. I think I'll take some home with me. Done.

As I thought, the croissant didn't make it home. It wasn't that good but it did make the reflux go back down. I unloaded my grocery bags on my kitchen island and was horrified. Normally, I stare with pride at my cart at the checkout lane....cashiers usually even comment about the healthiness of my food selection....mentioning I must be a great cook. But today....well today is another story. It's as if a teenager with a big checkbook went to the store. After taking everything out of it's bag, I can't believe my eyes. The fresh produce is dominated by food made of nylon and Red #5. Horrified, I pick up the donuts, and head for the couch.

Eight mini-donuts later, I fall into a slumber that might compete with a bear's hibernation. Two hours later I wake up to the phone ringing...it appears that 3 other calls came in while I was sleeping...I didn't hear a thing. Ajay gets home shortly after and notices a look of fear on my face. He asks what's wrong, while eyeing the near empty box of donuts. I say I have really bad abdominal pain...he says OH NO!!! I say, I don't think it's that...I think it's intestinal.

About then, another HUGE cramp comes...so big that it knocks the wind out of me....I actually have to sit on the floor where I was standing. Ajay tells me he's saw this kind of gas pain in his ER rotation, and that I should turn over with my elbows and forearms on the floor, butt in the air to help the gas pass. This is so sexy I can't believe it. My husband coaching me how to.....well, you know.

This is what I get. I have learned from my huge embarrassment that donuts are not worth it, and if one does buy donuts, one must resist eating 8 at a time.